


Let Me Down Gently

by INeverHadMyInternetPhase



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, PBB 2016, Phandom Big Bang 2016, Slow Burn, There's cheating, but it's not exactly Dan and Phil cheating, it's complicated - Freeform, you'll see - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-18
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-31 18:42:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 51,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8589502
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/INeverHadMyInternetPhase/pseuds/INeverHadMyInternetPhase
Summary: AU in which Dan is (briefly) a lawyer, until he gets fired and kicked out by his girlfriend. Wandering alone at night looking for a place to stay, he happens across a slightly strange man who introduces himself as Phil and who owns a B&B. Without much choice, Dan takes up the offer to stay there, and quickly grows to have a certain fondness for Phil. There’s only one problem: Phil runs the B&B with his long-term partner Alex.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fic for the 2016 Phandom Big Bang! It's quite a bit angstier than my usual stuff, but there is still fluff and a happy ending, I promise ^_^
> 
> Giant thanks to my beta vincent-phan-gogh, could not have done this without your encouragement and hard work, you're the best :D also thanks to insanityplays for helping me out with some of the finer points and not making me hate my writing, and to my poor irl friend who dealt with me shouting at her about this fic, and then provided me with some of the angst when my fluff-loving heart couldn't take it anymore
> 
> Warnings for cheating (not Dan and Phil exactly, it’s complicated), low self-esteem, inaccurate descriptions of legal systems (I’m not a lawyer sorry xD), occasional swearing

It was almost a relief.

The rain in his hair, the scratchiness of his eyelids, the rough dark croak that had replaced his normal voice. Dan strode down the street with one measly bag clutched in his grip, just the few things he’d been able to grab on his way out with Maria screaming in his ear. One thing was for sure – he would never be welcome back there.

The worst part was, Dan couldn’t even feel sad about it. Mostly, he just felt …  _ hollow _ . Three years of his life tossed down the drain, and probably his job too, seeing as she was his  _ boss _ , but Dan just couldn’t bring himself to feel anything. Well, other than freezing cold.

His clothes were sodden and clinging to him, squeaking uncomfortably with every movement. Dan shifted with a grimace. He darted under a conveniently-placed tree, carefully placing his bag down in one of the drier spots of the pavement before he fished his phone out of his pocket. Still no reply from Stuart, even after three texts.

Dan gnawed on his lip, considering. He really didn’t have very many options. Most of his friends also knew Maria, and he had no doubt they’d turn him away when he explained what happened. Stuart was the only one who was completely impartial. Unfortunately, Stuart was also the only one currently with a newborn baby.

Dan stepped a bit further under the tree, shivering in the howling wind. The clouds were only getting thicker, turning a rather ominous shade of black. The air was full of the kind of electricity that signalled the beginning of a thunderstorm.  _ Please, no.  _ Dan just wanted to get somewhere warm and dry, preferably still with all his limbs intact.

Just then, Dan’s phone buzzed violently in his hand. Dan opened it eagerly, breathing an audible sigh of relief when he read a text from Stuart. He had somewhere to stay for tonight, at least. After that, Dan would figure out just what the hell he was going to do.

With a new purpose to his steps, Dan shouldered his bag again and headed back out into the storm, his head bowed. He was shivering after two minutes. The rain lanced hard into his skin, freezing wherever it touched his bare skin, and the wind in his ear resembled a hall full of fifty owls all screeching in unison. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth, his breathing laboured as he quickened his pace.

Eventually, he reached the bus stop and ducked under the shelter. He scanned the timetable, flicking damp hair out of his eyes, and sighed. Great, the next bus wasn’t due for another twenty minutes. Dan sat himself down on the bench, placing his still-dripping bag carefully down between his feet, and pushed his sopping hair back from his forehead.

The rain continued to hammer against the thin roof of the bus shelter. Its walls shook occasionally, and Dan retreated into a small huddle, pulling his thin hoodie sleeves down over his hands.

Footsteps echoed suddenly in his ears, and another man came barrelling into the shelter, ducking into the space on the other side of Dan.

Dan watched with mild curiosity as the man caught his breath, running fingers through his hair. Every inch of him was covered in rain, even the bulky, metallic raincoat. As Dan watched, the man removed a pair of glasses and started hunting for a dry piece of material on which to clean them.

“Here,” Dan called after a moment or two. “I think I have a tissue in my bag.”

The man jumped about a foot in the air. He span around to face Dan, and ok, this guy was  _ cute.  _ His hair was black – or at least, it looked it under all the rainwater – and cut across his forehead in a stylish fringe that Dan could only wish to emulate. His face was long, his body tall, and his shoulders broad.

Dan felt a funny little flutter in his stomach.

“Um, hi!” The man gave him a funny little wave. “Sorry, I didn’t – I didn’t see you. Um.”

He coughed, and Dan grinned at him, waving him over. “Tissue?”

“Please.” The man approached with a sheepish smile, and Dan all but melted. “I mean, if it isn’t any bother.”

“Not at all. Bear with.” Dan just about managed to tear his gaze away from the man –  _ no staring, hello, just because Dan was recently single didn’t mean he could check out every random stranger who happened to cross his path  _ – and fished inside his bag, shoving his way through toiletries, books, and DVDs until he found a very crumpled packet of tissues.

“Here ya go.” Dan relinquished them.

“Oh, wow.” The man stared. “Did you put these through the washing machine?”

Dan gave a slightly shocked laugh. “Wow, you really know how to thank a man.”

“Sorry, sorry!” The man looked pitiably apologetic. “I’m really, really grateful. Um. I’d even give you a cat if I had one.”

Dan arched a brow, watching as the man extracted one tissue and proceeded to, rather vigorously, clean his glasses. “A cat?”

“Yeah. If I had one.” The man offered him his pack of tissues back. “Which I don’t. I’m actually allergic.”

Dan tilted his head, a confused chuckle escaping him. “Why did you offer one then?”

“Honestly, I have no idea.”

Dan shook his head a little, taking back the tissues with a small smile. “And I thought  _ I  _ was strange.”

“Oh, I could probably give you a run for your money.” The man settled onto the bench beside him, and ordinarily this would be the point in which Dan started to back away, but curiosity was holding him in place. “I mean, I once had a really strong longing to own a green metallic envelope.”

“An envelope?”

“Yeah.”

“Was it a magic envelope at least?”

The man tilted his head, pursing his lips. “I don’t think so, actually, though that would have been way cooler.”

“Clearly you just need me in your life,” Dan said without thinking, and then cursed himself in his head.

Thankfully, the man just laughed. “I mean, sure, I’ll shack up with you if you like. I’m always keen on a man who has tissues handy.”

Dan snorted. “Is that all it takes for you?”

“Well, it helps if you can cook and clean.”

“I make a mean curry.”

“I’m sold.” The man turned to him with a sudden, bright grin, and Dan’s heart stopped for a moment. “Name’s Phil, by the way.”

“Dan,” Dan answered, shaking the offered hand.

“Hi, Dan. I always like to know the names of the men I pledge my life too.”

Dan snorted again, the sound very undignified, but the man – Phil – just laughed along with him.

“Anyway,” Phil added after a moment’s silence, “Where are you headed to on such a cold, stormy night? If it isn’t too presumptuous of me to ask.”

Dan grimaced. The memory of the front door to his flat slamming firmly closed behind him, Maria’s final, shouted words echoing through the wood, was reminder enough of exactly why he was forced to be outside on this most miserable of nights. He highly doubted he’d be allowed to return any time soon, if ever. That was probably a little deep for a random conversation he was having with some stranger he didn’t know and would probably never meet again, though, so instead Dan answered wryly, “I didn’t exactly plan to be out in this weather.”

“Well, I’d hope not.” Phil shot him a sidelong glance. “So what forced your hand?”

“Got kicked out, actually.”

Phil looked shocked.

“I know,” Dan grimaced, “Could have picked a better night for it.”

“That’s terrible.” Phil sounded genuinely distressed. “Are you ok?”

“I will be. Probably.”

“Have you got enough stuff?” Phil was eyeing him more closely now, his tone concerned.

Dan pointed to his bag. “Got my phone and a load of games, I literally need nothing else in life.”

“You don’t even have a raincoat!”

“It’s fine.”

“It’s the middle of a thunderstorm!” Phil looked betrayed. He stared around the bus shelter for a moment, gesturing wildly at Dan. “Are you sure you’re going to be ok? Like – have you got somewhere to stay?”

“On my way to a friend’s,” Dan nodded, slightly warmed by this stranger’s odd concern. “Not entirely sure he’s best pleased about it, but he’s a decent guy, so.”

“That’s so – I’m so sorry.” Phil ran a hand through his hair, then looked distressed when it came away damp. “Um, are you – are you going to be ok?”

Dan gave a half-laugh. “I mean, probably. Eventually. It’ll take a while. Three years, we were together.” Dan wasn’t entirely sure why he was saying this much, but Phil was sending him a sympathetic look, so he ploughed on with a sigh. “I mean, I know why she ended it, but. Kinda left me in the lurch.”

“That’s honestly terrible,” Phil said earnestly. “No one should just abandon you like that – no matter what might have happened.”

“Yeah.”

“And I know I don’t know you at all, but you gave a tissue to a desperate man, so I’m sure you can’t have done anything  _ that  _ bad.”

Dan gave a sardonic laugh. “Thanks.”

Phil smiled back at him, but worry was still coating his features. He shifted a little, nervously nibbling on his lower lip, and kept shooting little glances at Dan from under his lashes. The silence stretched awkwardly for a while, and Dan went back to glaring at the bag between his feet. He urged the bus to get here quickly.

“Look, Dan.” Phil broke the silence again a few minutes later. “I know I don’t know you at all, and – and I’m sorry if this comes across as weird, I really don’t mean for it to, but. Well. I own a B&B. As in Bed and Breakfast, you know, where people come and stay for a night and I feed them…”

“I know what a B&B is,” Dan interrupted.

Phil looked adorably abashed. “Right. Sorry. So, yeah, I run one, and, if your friend can’t put you up…”

Dan lifted his head, staring at Phil.

Phil shifted under the gaze, flustered. “I’m not saying anything. You don’t have to come stay. Wow, this sounds weird, but I hate to see a guy stuck on his own, so if you find yourself at a loose end, there’ll be a room for you.”

Dan stared at him, struggling to process that information. A complete stranger, offering him a place to stay? That should be shady, shouldn’t it? Even though Phil looked about as harmful as a soft Siberian hamster.

“Ok, look.” Phil paused, digging around in his pocket for a moment. “I’ve got business cards and everything. It’s all completely above board, legal, there’s nothing weird going on. I promise.”

Dan took the card slowly, his mind still a mess of confusion. It _looked_ legitimate - not that appearance really meant anything, especially when it came to strange men in bus stops offering him a place to stay for the night - but there was a logo and a little picture of three houseplants, accompanied by an address, a phone number, and a website.

“Like I said,” Phil continued hurriedly, “All above board, and of course, there’s no pressure. Like. If you have somewhere to stay, then that’s brilliant, I just meant for if you end up really stuck --”

“Thank you, Phil.” Dan’s tone was a little awed. A complete stranger was showing him more kindness than any of his actual friends had in months. “I mean, I really appreciate the gesture.”

“Yeah?” Phil sounded relieved. “Good. I was worried I was giving off real creeper vibes.”

“Well, I mean, a bit.”

“Sorry.” Phil sent him another sunny grin, and suddenly Dan wondered what he’d ever been worried about. “I promise I don’t make a habit of picking up random strangers.”

“Shame, that.” Dan felt his eye twitching, his involuntary wink reaction threatening to rear its ugly head. He pushed down the urge before Phil could completely go off him.

Instead, Phil’s smile just widened.

Just as Dan was opening his mouth to continue the conversation - ask Phil what made him buy a B&B, or why he was out alone in the beginnings of a thunderstorm, or why there were houseplants on his business card - the sound of a bus engine echoed through the night.

“This one yours?” Phil asked. “It’s number 86.”

“Yeah, that’s mine.”

“Ok.” Phil got up from the seat, backing away a little. “I’m waiting for the next line, so. Um. Good luck, Dan, it was nice to meet you. I hope your night gets a little better from here on out.”

Dan managed a half-normal smile in return. “Thanks. For everything, you know, and --” he raised the business card still in his hand. “I do appreciate this. Honestly.”

“Well, I’ll keep a room free for you just in case.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “I don’t want to take up your business --”

“Don’t be daft,” Phil waved him away, “It’s kind of my job to put people up and feed them. I enjoy it.”

The bus pulled into the stop, the doors opening, but Dan still lingered. He stared at Phil, itching to know more about this strange, interesting man with the strange, interesting job and the rather adorable business cards.

But the bus driver was glaring angrily, so Dan gave one last wave before grabbing his bag and hopping up onto the bus.

Phil waved at him from the pavement as the bus pulled away, and Dan made sure to slide the business card securely into his pocket as soon as Phil was out of sight.

\---

Stuart lived in a mad house.

With a wife, a baby, and an elderly aunt to care for, Dan barely managed to squeeze onto the sofa. Stuart made him feel as welcome as he could, but Dan could tell that after three days of giving up their sitting room Stuart was reaching the end of his tether. And Dan honestly couldn’t blame him. There was no way Dan should be taking up any more of Stuart’s time when he was already so busy, not when it was entirely Dan’s fault that he didn’t have anywhere to stay.

Trouble was, Dan was left with no other option.

He’d tried ringing around his other friends, but Maria had beaten him to it. All he’d been met with were disappointed sighs, or a particularly loud rebuke from Emma, Maria’s oldest friend.

“ _ I mean, I knew you were lazy, Dan, but surely you knew better than that?!” _

_ “I didn’t mean to do it!” _

_ “Well, you left her stranded in the middle of court without any information, no wonder she dumped you after that.” _

Dan still winced at the remembered bluntness of that conversation.

And really, he hadn’t  _ meant  _ to lose that file. He was sure he’d ordered it from the database weeks before Maria needed it in court, but for some reason, it hadn’t been in the pile when she’d required it. As a result, Maria embarrassed herself in front of one of the most prodigious judges, for a case that was supposed to be the making of her career. And it was entirely Dan’s fault.

She’d accused Dan of forgetting to order the file, or simply misplacing it, or generally being incompetent. When coupled with his usual laziness and tendency to constantly rearrange her cabinet in the office in their shared flat, she’d simply had enough and had kicked him out. Dan couldn’t really blame her. He was useless in most ways, he knew. He didn’t even particularly  _ like  _ law. It was a miracle when he’d graduated and walked straight into the job, and then fallen hard for Maria, his boss. They’d been a scandal. Dan kind of liked that, until it all went sour.

Now, he was stuck with nowhere to live, sleeping on a friend’s sofa, and generally getting in the way.

Dan had had enough.

He was currently squished into a corner of the room, lounging on his phone while Stuart’s baby was lying on the sofa cushions. Thankfully, she wasn’t crying, instead studying Dan with wide eyes.

Dan studied her right back.

Stuart himself came tearing in a few moments later, shooting Dan a frazzled look. “Any luck?”

“Um, no,” Dan answered slowly, guilt flooding his stomach at Stuart’s disappointed expression. “Sorry.”

“No, no, it’s fine.” Stuart ran a distracted hand through his hair. “I said we’d put you up, we can manage…”

Dan glanced around the chaotic mess of the living room, taking in the piles of laundry, scores of dirty dishes, and endless flood of baby toys. It didn’t really look like they could manage to him.

The baby gurgled. Stuart looked at her helplessly.

“I’m looking,” Dan assured, “I promise. I’ll find somewhere soon, get out of your hair.”

“You’re not in the way, Dan.”

Dan grimaced. Stuart had always been a terrible liar. While watching Stuart race back into the kitchen to start making up the baby’s next meal, Dan went to slide his phone into his pocket, only to feel the crinkle of unfamiliar paper against his leg. Dan’s brow creased. He dug into his pocket, pulling out a slim business card that he’d all but forgotten about.

There it was - all the details for the B&B. The name listed was Philip Lester - Phil’s full name, presumably - and a website and phone number listed with the address. The business card was accompanied by a line of three house plants - mostly cacti.

Dan blinked. The card was wrinkled, torn a little at the edges, and he remembered the wet and stormy night that it’d been pressed into his hand by the black-haired, glasses-wearing, slightly odd man with the cute eyes and the bright smile. Dan’s stomach tightened at the memory. That remained one of the oddest conversations of his life, and yet, Dan was filled with a weird, warm nostalgia when remembering it. He wouldn’t mind seeing Phil again.

But he wasn’t going to just turn up somewhere without doing some research.

Pressing himself further into the corner, Dan dragged out his phone and looked up the website.

Instantly, several results popped up. Dan clicked on the first one and was met with a bright website coloured all in greens and blues, with white font that was a little difficult to read. The entire page was bright and bubbly. There were other images of house plants in the corners.

Dan skimmed the text, his brow furrowing. It all  _ looked  _ legitimate. The address matched the one on the back of the business card, there was an official-looking certificate on the third page, and even a hint that the B&B had won some kind of award. The photos of the rooms looked warm and comfortable, and Dan had to admit the pillows and blankets on show would do wonders for his aching back. Sleeping on a sofa was  _ not  _ comfortable.

Was it worth giving it a go?

“Stu,” Dan called, “I’m just gonna go make a phone call.”

There was a rather frazzled noise of agreement from the direction of the kitchen.

Dan turned, moving out into the tiny back garden. He squeezed his long frame through the door, hunching over in the tiny patio, and studied the business card in his hand again. The phone number there was from a mobile, but that didn’t mean it was  _ unofficial.  _ Surely it was at least worth a try?

Before he could overthink too much and spoil everything like he usually did, Dan dialled the number.

Someone answered on the second ring. “Phil Lester, how can I help?”

The voice was as deep and warm as Dan remembered. His stomach tightened again, and he cleared his throat before talking. “Um. Hi. It’s me.”

“Who?”

“Um - Dan?” Dan coughed. “Bus stop. It was storming.”

“Oh!” Phil’s voice cleared with understanding. “And you didn’t have a coat, and you gave me tissues that looked like they’d been through the jungle backwards.”

Dan snorted. “Yeah. That would be me.”

“I also remember accidentally pledging my life to you.”

“That may have also happened, yes.”

Phil gave a low chuckle, which sent a shiver down Dan’s spine. His voice sounded softer on the phone - or maybe Dan’s memory hadn’t done Phil justice. “How are you doing, Dan? Did you find somewhere to stay?”

“Well,” Dan started, and then paused.

After a while, Phil prompted, “We still have a room. If you need.”

“I might,” Dan admitted.

“That’s fine! But wait.” Phil’s tone suddenly grew nervous. “You have been staying somewhere, haven’t you? Not sleeping on the pavement? When you didn’t even have a  _ coat _ ?!”

“Phil,” Dan interrupted, “Chill.”

Phil let out a breath down the phone.

“I’ve been staying with a friend,” Dan explained, “Only he’s got a baby and a wife and a sick elderly aunt, so…”

“So you’re in a bit of a situation,” Phil finished, and gave a small laugh. “Well, I’m glad you’ve not been sleeping in the gutter.”

“Honestly, it might have been more comfortable than my friend’s sofa.”

“ _ You’ve been on a sofa?!” _

“Yeah.”

“Oh, no,” Phil sounded horrified, “That’s just not good enough. No, no, we’ve got to get you out of there.”

Dan was grinning without even realising it. “Do you often take in wandering strays?”

“Kind of my job,” Phil agreed. Dan imagined him smiling. “So do you want to come by later? Check in?”

Dan deliberated for another moment. Part of him was still worried about going to an address he didn’t know, simply on the word of a man he’d met all of once. But, well, Phil had a website and a business card and he was just sort of  _ enticing.  _ Speaking to him again was re-awakening the warm tug in Dan’s stomach that he’d first felt at the bus stop in the rain.

Honestly, what was the worst that could happen? He’d tell Stuart where he was going. If he disappeared, Stuart would be in the know, at least.

“Yeah,” Dan finally answered Phil. “Yeah, I’ll be along in a bit.”

\---

Finding Phil’s B&B was not as difficult as Dan had anticipated. When he’d first started on the journey to try and find it, he’d almost turned around as soon as he realised it involved three tube stops and a twenty minute walk, but he couldn’t deny the look of relief on Stuart’s face when Dan mentioned that he’d found somewhere to stay temporarily. Dan couldn’t impose on his incredibly busy and stressed friend any longer. It wasn’t fair.

Besides, it  _ would  _ only be temporary. Dan was going to make sure of it. He’d sort his life out, find somewhere permanent to live. He just needed a bit of a base for right now.

The B&B was situated on a quiet, leafy back-street of London, in one of the more residential areas. It was a bit far from the tube station to really be useful for getting into the city, and it looked pretty small from the outside. Dan wondered how Phil even managed to make any money from it. Maybe people kept going back for his odd, sunny personality - that was partly why Dan was there, to be honest.

He probably should be more worried by that than he was.

Approaching the door with trepidation, Dan eyed the various plants that decorated the porch warily. A plant of sorts - a tall thing that looked a bit like a miniature palm tree - was waving its fronds at him, and Dan couldn’t tell whether it was being friendly or angry. Maybe he was being told  _ ‘Get off my land!’ _ in plant speak.

Pushing away his natural suspicion - it was only a plant, he was stronger than it if it came to a fight - Dan turned to the door, eyeing it closely. It was a good, sturdy door, painted bright blue, with one of those old-fashioned brass knockers in the shape of a lion head, complete with mane and open jaws. The lion almost looked like it was smiling. There were three steps leading up to the door, which was set back into a little porch where the death-palm-tree-thing was holding residence.

Dan chewed his lip. He gathered the vestiges of his courage, took a deep breath, and knocked with the giant lion’s head.

Nothing happened for an awkwardly long stretch of time, in which Dan shifted on his feet and considered bolting out of there. He was just beginning to back down a step when the door flew open, and Phil stood in the entryway, wearing a bright grin.

Any and all panic Dan had been feeling fled in the wake of Phil’s grin. He had ditched the glasses, and the blue of his eyes stood out more, especially against the black of his hair. His entire face brightened when he saw Dan. “You made it!”

“I did,” Dan supplied, trying for a weak smile.

“I was worried you wouldn’t find us.” Phil stepped to the side, waving Dan in. “We’re a bit tucked away, and I didn’t know which part of London you were coming from.”

“More towards the centre.” Dan moved past Phil into the hallway. It was a little cramped, with a staircase almost immediately appearing in front of him and a small reception desk to its left. Phil moved past Dan, gently steering him by the elbow until he was sitting in one of the chairs.

“So,” Phil took a seat at the other side of the desk and peered closely at Dan. “I’m glad you survived. You looked like a drowned rat the last time we spoke.”

Dan squirmed. Phil’s gaze was rather intense, and his mouth seemed to permanently sport a little smirk. Dan wasn’t quite sure how seriously to take him. Sarcasm had seemed to work well enough so far, though, so Dan simply huffed. “Excuse you. I think you were the one literally dripping everywhere.”

“At least I had a jacket,” Phil pointed out. “You  _ still  _ aren’t wearing one, Dan. Honestly, where have you  _ been _ ?”

Dan blinked. “I’ve been under a roof, don’t worry.”

“Good. I was seriously thinking you might have been living in your car, or something.”

The genuine concern in Phil’s voice threw Dan a little. He didn’t quite know how to deal with having someone care about what happened to him. It made him lose his guard slightly was, so he spoke without really thinking. “I mean, not quite that bad. My friend was - I mean - he had a bit too much on his plate to be dealing with me as well.”

Phil’s brow lifted a little.

“Hence why I called you,” Dan added after a moment of silence. “I didn’t mean - I only wanted to check, to see if you still had any rooms. But if you don’t, I can go…”

“No, no!” Phil hastily corrected him. “I told you on the phone, we’ve got space for you. There’s only two other guests right now, and Gladys is always worrying about my business sense. I think you’ll be doing me a favour.”

Dan opened his mouth to ask who Gladys was, but then closed it, thinking better of asking rude questions so soon when he was kind of desperate for somewhere to stay.

Phil was already speaking again, anyway, as he turned on the computer on his desk and tapped a few keys. “I’ll just need some details - nothing much. And you can stay as long as you need.”

“I don’t want to be a burden.”

“Dan.” Phil fixed him with a kindly gaze, and Dan felt a little bit like he’d just been punched in the stomach. “Don’t be stupid. Now, what’s your full name?”

“Daniel Howell.” Dan swallowed. “With two Ls and an E.”

Phil grinned as he typed away. “Good clarification, or I’d have spelt it like the wolf.”

“Rude,” Dan muttered. “Do I look like a wild beast to you?”

“That remains to be seen.” Phil chuckled, and Dan was torn between wanting to hug him and wanting to punch him. “Any idea how long you’ll be staying?”

Dan bit down on his lower lip, torn. The honest answer was that he didn’t know. He needed time to try and gather his life together, but to do that, he needed to have a space that he could call his own. He’d barely been able to get anything done at Stuart’s. Never mind the fact that Dan really wanted some time to lie around and mope before turning his thoughts to the giant, terrifying chasm of the future that was yawning open before him. 

Phil was looking at him sympathetically. “Dan, it’s ok if you don’t know. I - um - I know it isn’t really my place…”

Dan’s eyes instantly shot up to meet Phil’s, expression guarded.

Phil grimaced. “You seem in a bit of a tight spot. That’s all. And if you could use a friend - well - consider yourself a guest here for as long as you need. You can pay me once you’ve got everything sorted.”

Embarrassment flooded through Dan’s skull. He shifted on his seat, about ready to run right out of there, but Phil stopped him. “I mean it, Dan. Obviously you don’t have to stay, but - if you need somewhere to get back on your feet, then consider yourself at home here.”

Dan blinked at him, and decided that honesty was going to have to be the way forward here. So he cleared his throat and said a little awkwardly, “Um, well. It might - it might take a while?”

“That’s perfectly ok.” Phil grinned at him, continuing to tap away at the computer. “I’ll have you down as a week for now, but like I said, take your time. When you’ve got everything a bit sorted out, you can pay and then move on. For now, settle in.”

Dan blinked. “Are you seriously ok with this?”

Phil waved him away. “Like I said, it’s kind of my job to look after people. I like it. And I promise I’m not a kidnapper, or a serial killer, or anything.”

“You’re doing a pretty crap job if you are,” Dan muttered. “I’m still alive, and I’ve been alone with you twice.”

Phil grinned at him, and Dan honestly didn’t think it was possible for that grin to get any better, but here he was, being proved wrong by Phil Lester all over again. Phil got up to his feet and beckoned to Dan, who followed him cautiously. “I’ll put you in room number 3. It’s the smallest, but with there only being one of you, it should be enough. Let me know if you aren’t comfortable, though.”

Dan nodded and followed Phil’s lead into the back of the house, where there was a much more spacious kitchen which led through to a warm, open living space with a TV and three sofas. Phil led him past all this, though, explaining that it was a little late by now and he was sure Dan just wanted to collapse. Dan was more than grateful. He was feeling dead on his feet, after the long, confusing journey across London and leaving Stuart’s house earlier that day.

At the back of the house was another staircase, which Phil led him up. “This one leads to the guest bedrooms,” Phil explained. “There’s only three, so don’t worry about noise, and each room is en-suite so you won’t run the risk of accidentally seeing Gladys in her post-bathtime glory.”

“Well, isn’t that a shame,” Dan answered dryly.

Phil chuckled, the sound light and warm and refreshing after all the screaming and crying and baby sounds that Dan had been subjected to over the past few days. Even before then, Maria and he hadn’t laughed together in far too long. Even before Dan messed everything up for them, Maria had spent most of her time snapping at him, or sighing over how little he’d done.

Dan couldn’t really blame her. He was useless in most ways.

“This is you.” Phil brought Dan out of his thoughts by pressing a key into his palm and gesturing to a room with a little number ‘3’ printed in green and hanging at an angle on the front of a wooden door. Phil opened the door, then stepped aside to let Dan enter first. “Like I said, it’s our smallest, so let me know if you need more room.”

Dan moved into the room, and his eyes lit up. It was small, yes - he had just enough space to walk between the bed and the desk - but it was cosy and beautiful. The wallpaper was a soft green, the bedsheets had a green and blue pattern. There was a desk curving around one wall, equipped with a TV and a comfy-looking chair that seemed tall enough to actually fit Dan’s lanky frame. The bed was a double, and it had so many fluffy pillows piled onto it that it took a lot of restraint on Dan’s part not to simply dive into the middle of it.

“The TV remote is in the top drawer, along with some instructions,” Phil continued to explain, hovering in the doorway. “Hopefully you’ll be comfortable?”

“You kidding?” Dan finally found his voice. “Phil, this is  _ perfect. _ ”

Phil beamed. Dan once again felt like he was being punched in the stomach, and he inwardly berated himself for it. He shouldn’t be having such emotions about a guy he’d just barely met, and especially not so soon after a breakup. He needed time. This was inappropriate.

Phil was still looking at him far too warmly, and Dan struggled to pull himself together.

“Well, I should let you get rested.” Phil leaned against the doorframe, and Dan almost wanted to tell him not to go. Only because this was the closest thing he’d had to a civilised conversation in far too long. “You look exhausted.”

“Gee, thanks.”

“I’m sorry!” Phil held up a hand, widening his eyes, and Dan really needed him to stop being so adorable and thoughtful. “I just - from what you said at the bus stop, you’re going through a really rough time right now.”

Dan tried, and failed, to hold back a grimace.

Phil’s expression shifted into one of sympathy, and he took a step forward, one hand reaching out to Dan. He seemed to think better of the action, though, retracting the gesture and instead settling on saying, “I’m sorry. I know it isn’t my place, but - well - breakups are always the worst. If you want company, I’ll be down at reception most hours.”

“Thanks, Phil,” Dan eventually managed to croak. He was a little awed at how one person could hold so much goodness.

Phil smiled back. “I’ll see you in the morning, anyway - my breakfast is infamous.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “I can’t impose any more…”

“Dan, I run a  _ Bed and Breakfast.  _ Clue’s in the name.”

Dan blinked.

“It’s complimentary,” Phil added, “And I’ll be horrendously offended if you don’t show up.”

“Oh.” Dan’s lips twitched despite his tiredness. “Well, I guess I have to show up, then. Don’t want to offend the man who’s giving me somewhere to stay.”

“You already offended me by going out in a rainstorm without a jacket.”

“Well, I can’t offend you any more, then.” Dan paused, his forehead creasing. “Besides, you were a lot more wet than I was.”

Phil clicked his tongue. “I was only nipping out for milk, I was allowed.”

“Well, you weren’t very prepared, were you? You had to steal one of my tissues.”

Phil placed a hand on his heart, saying dramatically, “Then I shall repay you, my knight in shining armour, by giving you the best breakfast you’ve ever had. If you’ll grace me with your presence in the kitchen between 8 and 10. Sound good?”

Dan was properly grinning without even realising it. “Sounds good.”

“Great.” Phil leaned away from the doorframe, sending Dan one more sunny smile before he backed out of the room with a jaunty little wave. “See you then, Dan.”

“See you, Phil.” Dan remained standing in the centre of the room until Phil had backed out completely and closed the door behind him. He barely managed to dump his bag and find his way into the adjoining bathroom before he finally gave in to temptation and dived straight onto the centre of the pillow pile on his new bed.

The sheets smelled clean, and he was warm and comfortable, so it took Dan mere seconds to fall asleep.

\---

As it turned out, Dan slept in the next morning.

He’d honestly planned to be up for Phil’s breakfast - he’d set an alarm and everything - but 10am was a bit too early for his usual lifestyle, and he hadn’t had a proper, good night’s sleep in  _ so long.  _ The bed at Phil’s B&B was swamped in a gazillion blankets and pillows, and it was soft and warm and much more welcoming than Stuart’s ratty old sofa. Plus, there was no baby to wake him with its crying during the night, and no elderly aunt that Stuart was always running out to care for, so Dan managed to have some actual, proper time to himself for the first time since he’d walked out on Maria. (Or been kicked out, but, you know, pedantics).

Even before, when he’d been with Maria, she’d often seen fit to get him up early in the mornings, taking a severe, cruel delight in dragging him out of bed for work. At the time, Dan had grumbled and shoved her good-naturedly as they bickered in the bathroom and headed to work together, but now, those memories were soured. Mostly, he remembered her constant disappointment in him, and how he felt guilty knowing she deserved so much better than him.

When Dan woke the first morning in Phil’s B&B, it was to blissful quiet. No one was shoving coffee in his face, shepherding him on his way to work. (That was a problem, though - Dan was fairly sure he didn’t actually  _ have  _ a job anymore, and he needed to work on fixing that ASAP). But, for just then, he allowed himself to stretch out luxuriously in the double bed he had all to himself, enjoying his own space.

And then he checked the time, and shot up the instant he realised he was late for breakfast.

Mortified, Dan hopped out of the bed (reluctantly) and dragged on yesterday’s clothes, praying that Phil wouldn’t judge him too much. But, in all honesty, Dan didn’t want to pass up the chance to see Phil again. Phil’s bright smile had been on his mind a lot, as had his gentle humour and easy manner. Dan hadn’t felt so comfortable around someone new in a very long time. Phil’s slightly odd sense of humour meshed well with Dan’s sarcasm, and he didn’t feel anywhere near as awkward as usual around Phil. In fact, he felt rather … fuzzy. Which was probably a problem, and definitely something Dan should be trying to ignore.

It was just, that was really difficult. Especially when Dan finally emerged downstairs for breakfast to find Phil leaning over a table seating two friendly-looking old ladies, looking up and grinning when he saw that Dan had arrived, bounding over to say hello, and pointing him towards another place at the table where he’d laid a seat for Dan.

“You have to have my full English,” Phil demanded as he ushered Dan into his seat.

Dan blinked up at him, still a little sleepy for the amount of brightness Phil was exuding. “I don’t want to be any trouble…”

“You’re going to have to stop saying that,” Phil reprimanded.

“But I really don’t want…”

“Sit down, be quiet, and let me do my job.” Phil grinned at him, turning to disappear into the kitchen. “I’ll be out with your food in a bit.”

Dan was left with very little choice but to agree.

Once he was somewhat settled into his seat, Dan noticed that there was a pot of coffee sitting on the table, and he all but dived for it. He ignored the sugar and milk, instead pouring himself the blackest coffee he could, filling the mug right up to the brim.

“Ah, it’s one of  _ those  _ mornings, is it?”

Dan jumped. Coffee spilled from the top of this mug and burned his hand, making him wince.

One of the elderly women was sending him a knowing look from the other end of the table. “Have you got a lady-friend coming down to join you?”

“Ah,” Dan started, in the process of safely setting down his mug and grabbing a napkin to clean up the spill.

“Hush, Edith,” the other lady hissed far too loudly to be anywhere close to subtle. “Let the boy enjoy his coffee.”

“I don’t mind,” Dan said stupidly, because he  _ really  _ did. And he wasn’t a boy.

“See?” The first lady - Edith - said proudly. “He doesn’t mind! And look at him - I’m sure he isn’t here alone.”

Dan spluttered, finding himself on the receiving end of two very knowing stares. “Ah - actually - yeah, I am here alone.”

“Oh no!” Edith sounded truly heartbroken, while the other just gave a knowing nod. “What’s a young lad like you doing all alone here, then?”

Dan grimaced. “I - uh - it’s a long story.”

“Well, Gladys and I aren’t doing anything, are we, Gladys?” Edith nudged her companion, who nodded her agreement, seemingly having abandoned any misgivings. They both simultaneously picked up their cup-and-saucers and turned two identical, piercing stares on Dan.

Dan shrivelled a little under that look.

“Well,” he started, then stopped when he realised he had absolutely no idea how to even  _ begin  _ explaining his current situation.

Thankfully, Phil seemed to have some come-to-Dan’s-rescue sense embedded into his brain, because he reappeared just then with a steaming plate piled high with food. As he approached the table, he shook his head fondly at the two ladies, tutting. “You’re not bothering our newest guest, are you?”

“He’s here  _ alone,  _ Philip,” Edith hissed.

“I’m aware,” Phil answered good-naturedly, focusing on carrying the plate over to Dan without spilling too much of it over his carpet. “But that isn’t a reason to pry, now is it?”

Edith, seemingly cowed, turned back to Gladys, which allowed Dan to send Phil a grateful look. Phil returned it with a beaming smile that shot warmth straight through Dan’s stomach - seriously, this guy should come with a  _ warning _ .

“Ignore them,” Phil said lowly as he placed the giant plate of steaming food in front of Dan. “They’re lovely, but don’t feel like you have to tell them anything.”

“It’s ok,” Dan answered slowly. He struggled to come up with anything more eloquent than that when faced with what was quite possibly the best breakfast he’d ever seen. Coupled with the fact that he’d been living off Stuart’s leftovers for the past several days, it was all he could do not to drool.

“Go ahead and tuck in,” Phil added with a knowing look. “I recognise the expression of a starving man.”

Dan flushed slightly with his fork already halfway to his mouth. “Sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Phil waved him away with a wicked little grin. “It’s flattering. My breakfast is famous in the North.”

“Is that where you’re from, then?” Dan asked before shovelling the first forkful into his mouth. He was right - this was literally the best thing he’d eaten in ages.

Phil nodded, sliding into the seat opposite Dan. “Yeah - near Manchester, to be precise.”

Dan brightened a little. “I went to uni in Manchester.”

“Really?” Phil graced him with another warm smile, sitting up a little straighter, and Dan melted into his seat. He shook his head, firmly telling himself to get a grip. He’d split up with Maria literally under a week ago - he couldn’t afford to start developing  _ feelings  _ for someone else, let alone a guy he’d known all of five minutes.  _ Chill. _

“So did you live in the student accommodation there?” Phil wrinkled his nose a little. “I’m so sorry if you did. I promise the city is much nicer than that.”

“I did,” Dan spoke through his mouthful, then quickly swallowed, eyes watering, in an attempt not to be quite so horrendously rude. “But don’t worry - I loved the city. Went exploring all the time.”

“Did you ever go to Affleck’s Palace?”

Dan’s answering grin was enough for Phil to give a cheerful hoot and then quickly dove into reminiscing about how it was the best shop ever, to which Dan wholeheartedly agreed. They swapped stories over their best purchases from there as Dan continued to devour his breakfast, telling each other about the board games they’d picked up, or the time Phil found an ancient Pokemon game, or when Dan managed to pick up a super-rare Final Fantasy poster that he’d been after for years.

Needless to say, Dan’s attempts not to fall for Phil were rather heavily impeded by what a  _ nerd  _ the guy was turning out to be.

“I think I got my bulbasaur plushie from Affleck’s, as well,” Phil added thoughtfully as Dan finished up the last bit of bacon.

Dan’s nose wrinkled a little. “Bulbasaur? Really?”

“What? He’s the best!”

“Charmander, always,” Dan disagreed with a smirk.

Phil sighed heavily. “Why did I know you’d be a fire type?”

Dan arched a brow. “What makes you think that?”

“I don’t know.” Phil surveyed him thoughtfully, his gaze intense in a way that made Dan squirm a little in his chair. “You seem to have a bit of fight in you.”

Dan wasn’t entirely sure how to take that, but he felt a little bit flattered.

Phil kept his gaze trained on Dan for a moment, seemingly drifting. He came back to himself when he realised that Dan’s plate was empty, though, standing up to fetch it.

“I can help,” Dan started uncertainly, but Phil shushed him immediately.

“No, it’s my job, stay right there.” Phil disappeared momentarily, checked on Gladys and Edith, and then settled himself back down in front of Dan. “Have you got plans for the day? Just so I know whether to leave the door open.”

“Oh.” Dan looked down, chewing on his inner cheek. He hadn’t actually thought through his plan yet - he didn’t really want to remember the world outside this little safe haven of a B&B and Phil. In here, he could lose himself in conversation with a rather spectacular guy, and forget his mess of a life.

But adults didn’t do that. Adults did adult things, like go out and actually try to fix the messes they left behind them.

“It’s ok if you just want to hide under blankets and mope,” Phil prompted gently. “I can bring you ice cream.”

Dan could literally  _ feel  _ his heart turn to liquid gold inside of him.  _ Why  _ did Phil get to say stuff like that? It just wasn’t fair.

“No,” Dan forced himself to say eventually, if reluctantly. “No, thanks, but I should probably try and fix things.”

Phil tilted his head. “Do you think that’s possible?”

Dan grimaced. With Maria, he didn’t think he really stood a chance - not after she’d kicked him out so decisively. He hadn’t heard from her once in the days he’d stayed at Stuart’s, either, despite leaving her one quite half-hearted voicemail. Dan knew in his heart of hearts that it was over, and to be honest, the break-up had been quite a long time coming.

His lack of a job was more of a problem, though.

“I don’t know,” Dan answered Phil’s question honestly, his hands playing nervously with the edge of Phil’s pristine white tablecloth. “Probably not with her. But I need my job back.”

Phil clucked his tongue in sympathy. “Good luck.”

“Thanks. I’m going to need it,” Dan answered wryly as he got to his feet. “Thanks for the breakfast. You’re right - it’s the best.”

“I know,” Phil answered with pride.

Dan shook his head, unable to stop a small smile from tugging at the corners of his mouth. He started to move around the table, and Phil got up with him, leading him back towards the exit.

“I’ll leave the door open,” Phil said, undoing the lock for Dan to leave.

“Thanks.” Dan looked at his feet, trying not to think too much about just how much grovelling he was going to have to do.

Phil gave him another small smile, and suddenly Dan felt that maybe he was strong enough to face this after all. “Come back either way, ok? Let me know how it all goes.”

“Will do.” Dan gave him a two-fingered salute on his way out of the door.

Phil saluted him right back, and stood there in the doorway watching him all the way until Dan was out of sight.

\---

Needless to say, Maria was less than pleased when Dan showed up at their office.

Even walking into the tall, intimidating building, Dan couldn’t help but feel like he’d made a mistake. The receptionist had glared at him all the way across the lobby, and it took Dan three tries to get his ID to let him past the top-security barriers by the lifts. Then, the lift was out of order anyway, so he was forced to climb three flights of stairs (not his favourite activity).

By the time Dan made it into their office, he was out of breath and red-faced, trying not to look too out-of-place in his unwashed clothes and mismatched socks. His colleagues - or former colleagues - were bustling about their business, barely any of them paying him any mind.

Susie, another lawyer of equal rank with Dan who occupied the desk next to his, caught his eye when he was making his way towards the water-cooler. She promptly dropped a pile of files at the sight of him.

Well, if that wasn’t a vote of confidence.

“Maria’s still pretty mad,” Susie told him in a hushed whisper that carried far too far in the quiet office.

Dan winced. “I’m guessing she doesn’t want to see me.”

“Your desk has already been cleared,” Susie affirmed.

Dan cursed, ignoring the way his language made Susie wince. He didn’t think Maria would have moved quite this fast - not that he could really blame her. He  _ had  _ screwed up pretty badly. But still, her actions seemed a little ruthless, considering that Dan had literally no fallback and no other qualifications or skills outside his law degree.

Not that he was ever all that qualified at law to begin with.

“Is she in her office?” Dan asked eventually.

Susie nodded, but stopped him with a harsh warning before he went much further. “She’s  _ really  _ angry, Dan. Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“No.” Dan shrugged helplessly. “But I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

Susie looked a little peaky, but she wished him good luck before picking up her files again and heading back to her desk.

The walk through the office was up there among the worst moments of Dan’s life. Dodging the judging stares of his colleagues had never felt more difficult, worse even than the time he’d had to show up in yesterday’s suit after an impromptu night-time visit to Maria’s, back before they'd moved in together. He could have dealt with all the whispers and rumours, though, if he knew he still had Maria by his side.

Unfortunately, the complete opposite was true.

Maria’s office looked the same as ever - the door left slightly ajar, the wall adorned with her certificates of various accomplishments in her already relatively sparkling career. Her desk was broad, made of mahogany, and the room was panelled in dark wood. Maria herself was sitting behind the desk in her high-backed chair, her back ramrod straight.

Dan fought with himself for several seconds before finally gathering the courage to knock on the door.

“Come in.” Maria sounded distracted. She hadn’t looked up yet - Dan was dreading the moment that she would.

After another deep breath, Dan pushed the door open and sidled in, snapping it shut behind him.

Maria was still buried in her computer. Her hair was pulled back in a bun, and she looked exhausted - not that Dan was looking any better. And at least Maria was in clean clothes.

After an agonising minute, it became obvious that Maria wasn’t going to voluntarily look up. So, Dan cleared his throat awkwardly. “Erm. Hi.”

Maria’s shoulders stiffened; the action was minute, but Dan noticed it. She still didn’t look up from her computer, and when she spoke, her voice was stilted and cold. “What are you doing here?”

“I work here?” Dan tried.

Maria released a low sigh. Before she could open her mouth, though, Dan was grovelling already. “I’m sorry. Ok? I screwed up, badly, I know--”

“If you know,” Maria interrupted coolly, “Then what are you doing here?”

Dan grimaced. “I need a job, Maria.”

Silence. Maria closed her eyes, one hand pressing into her forehead. She at least closed her laptop lid, though, giving Dan her full attention. He was slightly grateful for that.

“I can’t just give you your job back, Dan.”

“Why not?”

“You made a mistake,” Maria’s voice was a little strained, “That embarrassed me in front of the entire courtroom. I can’t let that slide - even if we weren’t--”

Dan glared at her.

Maria sighed. “Even if we weren’t going our separate ways, I’d have to let you go.”

Dan’s jaw clicked. “It was  _ one mistake _ …”

“One mistake too far, Dan,” Maria disagreed.

“I’m not that bad!”

“Dan, come on. You know as well as I do that you’ve never truly pulled your weight here.”

Dan tried to pull in his seething temper, but it was difficult. He was literally losing everything in his life here - his job, his relationship, his home. If he walked out of here, he’d have nothing left. Maria  _ had  _ to be aware of that. Dan had been more open with her than he’d ever been with anyone. He didn’t think he’d survive if she kicked him to the curb.

But her expression was unforgiving. “I’m sorry, Dan. That’s it.”

Dan took in a slow breath. He’d always sworn he wouldn’t resort to begging, but sometimes, desperate measures were needed. “Maria--”

“I think it’s best you go.”

“Go  _ where? _ ” Dan asked bitterly. “In case you forgot, you  _ kicked me out. _ ”

Maria sent him a cool look. “Clearly you found somewhere to stay.”

“Stuart’s,” Dan growled, “And you  _ know  _ how insane his life is right now, I was barely allowed on their sofa--”

“Then maybe you’d better go somewhere else.”

“I  _ did, _ ” Dan hissed, “But without a job, it’s going to be kind of hard to afford somewhere. Get it?”

Maria gave him a considering look, but there was no softness in her expression. All her walls were up; she was as guarded as Dan had ever seen her. Needless to say, this did not bode well.

“I’m sorry, Dan,” she finally relented, her voice softening. “Really. I’ll pack up your stuff and you can come and get it any time--”

“I don’t have anywhere to  _ put  _ it,” Dan said miserably.

Maria sighed softly. “Then you’d better set about looking for a new job. I’ll give you a good reference.”

Dan was suddenly swallowing around a sharp lump in his throat. His eyes burned.

“Don’t do law,” she advised him. “You never liked it anyway.”

“I--!”

“You were just trying to impress me.” Maria sent him a watery smile. “It worked, for the most part. You’re intelligent, Dan. Just, go find something you actually  _ enjoy _ .”

Dan blinked, hard, and quickly turned away when he felt a hot tear track its way down his cheek. He could hear Maria’s soft chuckle. “Go. Email me about that reference, ok?”

The subtext was clear -  _ but don’t contact me about anything else. _

Dan drew in another slow, shaky breath. The world felt slightly different as he nodded to her and then walked out of her office, shutting the door with a sharp  _ snap.  _ He avoided the gazes of his former colleagues on his way out of the building. He had once felt he had a place here - in fact, despite his dislike of the actual  _ practice  _ of law, he’d had some good memories here. All his friends, his relationship, everyone he knew came from here or through Maria. Dan wasn’t very good at being social, or at being by himself.

So as he trudged out of the building for probably the last time, Dan couldn’t help but feel like he was leaving a large part of himself behind, too.

\---

With little option of where to go, Dan found himself back at the B&B. Phil greeted him at the reception desk as soon as he walked in, bounding over with an enthusiastic, “Hey! How did it… go…?”

He trailed off in seconds after he got a good look at Dan’s face. “Oh no. She didn’t take you back?”

Dan shook his head, slumping into a seat with a melodramatic groan.

“I’m so sorry.” Phil actually walked around to the customer’s side of the desk, laying a warm, steady hand on Dan’s shoulder. Dan hated how much he wanted to lean into the touch.

“‘S’Ok,” Dan mumbled into his arms, head buried on the desk. “Didn’t really expect her to.”

Phil clucked his tongue in sympathy. “I have ice-cream in the fridge. Perfect getting-over-a-breakup material. Come through to the lounge and watch crappy daytime TV with me?”

Dan lifted his head, blinking blearily. “Aren’t you working?”

Phil gave a light shrug. “I’ve already cleaned the rooms and made the beds, and we’ve got no more bookings today. Gives me an excuse not to mope around on my own, if I’m keeping you company.”

Dan blinked again, wondering just what he’d done to deserve this literal  _ angel  _ in his life.

“I mean, only if you want to,” Phil added hastily, and he actually sounded a bit - shy?

Dan got abruptly to his feet, before he could chicken out and change his mind. “Nope. Sounds pretty perfect, actually.”

Phil’s answering beam was enough to make Dan forget Maria’s cold look in the office earlier.

As it turned out, Phil’s choice in crappy daytime TV really  _ was  _ crappy, consisting of posh property programmes or lame quizzes. Still, Dan curled up happily enough on the sofa next to him, pleased that the communal area was welcoming and obviously there for the use of the guests - he’d feel a bit weird if Phil let him through to the private part of the house. But, no, that was hidden away behind a locked door on the other side of the kitchen.

Dan admitted quietly to himself that he  _ was  _ curious about whether Phil’s living space was crowded with quite as many houseplants as his B&B.

Phil spent the afternoon supplying Dan with ice-cream straight out of the tub, telling him bad jokes, and staring wistfully at the expensive properties shown on the TV show. All in all, it should have been one of the most boring afternoons Dan had ever had to suffer through, but quite in contrast, Dan actually found himself relaxing for the first time in months. His shoulders lowered, his guard was down, and he laughed along with Phil and shoved his side when he made a joke that was just too  _ awful  _ to be attempted.

And Dan found himself beginning to hope - hope that the future may not be as bleak as it seemed. That maybe it was ok if Dan had absolutely no idea what to do with his life. For now, he had a Phil to laugh with, and Dan was starting to believe that he might have made a new friend.

Any hopes that he harboured secretly for them to go a bit further would, of course, never be spoken out loud. Dan knew better than to dive straight into a new relationship right after ending another one.

It was during one of the late-afternoon quizzes that Dan’s world came crashing down around his ears again.

Phil and he had gravitated towards each other during their TV-watching drama. The empty ice-cream tub was down on the fluffy rug under the coffee table, and Dan’s feet were tucked up against Phil’s side. Phil was leaning into him a little, guessing all the answers as loudly and quickly as he could. “Mongoose! It’s definitely mongoose!”

“Mongoose?” Dan’s nose wrinkled a little. “Really?  _ Mongoose? _ ”

“Don’t doubt me, Dan.” Phil held a finger up, staring at the screen with excitement bubbling in his eyes. “I bet you I’m right.”

“I really don’t think--”

“ _ Mongoose! _ See? See, I said so!” Phil cheered, bouncing a little on the sofa cushions.

Dan turned to shove his side, laughing, but stopped mid-conversation when he caught sight of another man standing in the doorway. He instantly leaned away from Phil. The man in the doorway was watching them both with a slight smile, his arms folded casually.

Phil looked confused for a minute, but then he followed Dan’s gaze and his face broke into the brightest grin Dan had ever seen.

Dan sucked in a breath.

“Alex!” Phil jumped up, heading straight over to the man and pulling him in for a close hug. “I didn’t expect you back yet.”

“Bank business didn’t take as long as I expected,” the man answered warmly. He returned Phil’s hug, nestling into his shoulder and giving his neck a kiss.

Dan felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach.

“You didn’t destroy the place while I was gone, did you?” The strange man asked with a low chuckle.

Phil huffed. “As if. What do you think of me?”

“I remember what happened last time I left you alone.”

“I’m not  _ that _ bad,” Phil sniffed, but he was grinning as he turned and cast an arm to take in Dan, the TV, and the empty ice-cream tub on the floor. “I was just distracting one of our guests with some TV. This is Dan, by the way, he’s in room 3. Dan, this is Alex, my partner.”

“Nice to meet you.” Alex’s smile was just as big and bright as Phil’s.

Dan swallowed painfully. He felt rocked - for the second time today, it was as if his foundations had completely turned upside-down. The silence was stretching on too long, but Dan couldn’t bring himself to speak, or to look away from where Phil’s arm was still wound around Alex’s back.

“Uh--” Dan managed eventually, his voice sounding raspy. “Hi, yeah -- nice to meet you too.”

“Sorry I missed breakfast this morning, but one of us has to actually take care of the business.” Alex gave Phil’s shoulder a good-natured shove on his way across the living room.

“Speaking of,” Phil interrupted, “Have you eaten yet? There’s spare bacon in the fridge.”

“Oh my  _ God. _ ” Alex darted into the kitchen as quickly as he could, and the sound of muffled groans of appreciation came through.

Phil shook his head with a fond smile as he settled back onto the sofa beside Dan. “He’ll do anything for my bacon.”

Dan forced out a laugh. Mostly, though, he was still reeling. He should have  _ known  _ \- how did he not know that Phil wasn’t single? Dan’s brain was currently mostly engaged in going back over every tiny interaction he’d had with Phil in the (very short) time he’d known him, figuring out what obvious signs he must have missed. There was never any mention of the B&B being co-owned. Unless Alex was just Phil’s partner, but not business-partner? But then why would he have gone to the bank about the B&B?

“I think there’s another quiz show on next.” Phil’s voice invaded Dan’s blurry ears. “Let’s see how much I can beat you again.”

“You only won because I was distracted,” Dan heard himself saying.

“No, I’m clearly more skilled.”

“You should try me at Mario Kart,” Dan disagreed faintly. His heart was doing some very strange things in his ribcage, and he felt more than a little light-headed.

Phil, however, seemed not to think that anything was wrong. Which, of course, it  _ wasn’t.  _ Dan had no reason to feel as shell-shocked as he did. So Phil was in a relationship. So what? Phil was nothing more to Dan than an overly-kind stranger with a strange taste in TV shows. His relationship status had no bearing on Dan whatsoever.

So when Alex came back out of the kitchen, armed with a plate of bacon, and settled himself on the sofa beside Phil, Dan absolutely did not feel jealous. He also didn’t notice the casual ease with which Phil slipped an arm around his shoulders, or the way Alex could guess Phil’s answers before Phil even said anything.

Said non-existing jealousy also had nothing to do with the way Dan got abruptly to his feet after the quiz show ended. “Sorry,” he rushed to explain, “I just - I have some things I should sort through, um--”

“That’s ok.” Phil eyed him closely, an edge of concern to his tone. Or at least, Dan liked to pretend it was concern. “Come back down if you need anything, alright?”

Dan nodded once. He managed something like a smile - though maybe it was more of a grimace - and then turned to head back up the stairs.

He tried to ignore the shuffle he could hear on the sofa as Alex and Phil leaned into each other, instead closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath.

He was fine. There was nothing to worry about. Everything was all absolutely fine.

\---

Everything was not fine.

Dan had been temporarily living in the B&B for almost three weeks, and he was still no closer to moving on with his life. Well, he’d done a  _ few  _ things - he’d been back to the old apartment he shared with Maria to pick up some stuff, and even rented out a storage container when it became quickly apparent that the room in Phil’s B&B was really quite limited. He hadn’t got all of his stuff back yet, but Dan had more or less decided to go back to his old place only when he knew for sure that Maria would be out. They’d had one too many awkward interactions to last him a lifetime.

Job-hunting, though - that was not going well. Largely because Dan didn’t have a clue what he even wanted to apply  _ for.  _ Maria had been right about law never really being Dan’s passion, and he didn’t particularly want to get back into the profession. Especially after news of his mistake had travelled through most circles by now, and he’d be lucky to find anyone willing to employ him.

It was just that Dan had no idea what else he could do. He didn’t have a skill set, he was only qualified in law, and the only subject he’d really enjoyed at school was drama. Acting was not an option. Dan had lost his confidence, and his family would never approve. His mum was already upset enough over this debacle of losing his job.

The only remotely good thing in Dan’s life right now was Phil. And, yes, despite the earth-shattering revelation that Phil was not, in fact, single, they had still become quite good friends over these past three weeks. Phil insisted on making Dan breakfast every single morning, whether Alex was there or not, and he constantly offered a calming presence and a gentle ear for Dan to rant at.

“I just don’t know what I  _ want, _ ” Dan was mumbling forlornly one morning at the breakfast-table, joined by Gladys and Edith as well as Phil.

Phil clucked a sympathetic tongue. “I mean, in a way, it’s exciting! Right?”

“How?”

“You could do anything. Just pick a career and go for it. That’s pretty cool.”

Dan pursed his lips as he thought that over. Yes, it would be cool, if he could actually bring himself to be passionate about anything. All he really cared about was internet fandoms and laziness, and he was fairly sure he couldn’t make a career out of those.

“It’s not going to be as hard as you think.” Phil laid a gentle touch to Dan’s hand, making him jump. “I mean, it’s scary as heck, but you’ll be alright.”

Dan quirked a disbelieving brow.

“I mean it!” Phil insisted. “And I should know. When Alex and I bought this place, we had no idea if it was going to work. Complete career change for us both. But look at us now!”

Dan allowed himself a slight smile as he glanced around the B&B. Yes, it was homely and cosy, and although it still stung a little to think of Phil with someone else, Dan couldn’t deny that he was warmed by their success. He smiled a little at Phil. “Oh? Was it new to you both, then?”

“Totally,” Phil nodded, his eyes bright. “I’d always wanted to work in hospitality - it was kind of a dream to own a place like this. And then Alex found this one up for sale, and we just had to jump on it.”

“Have you had it long, then?”

“Seven months.” Phil chuckled at Dan’s disbelieving look. “Not long, I know, but enough to get us settled and established.”

Dan gave a low whistle. “No wonder you had space to pick up desperate men at bus stops.”

Phil laughed a little louder, his hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Actually, I think that’s mostly down to the desperate man in question looking hopelessly, adorably lost. But, you know, whatever makes you feel better.”

Dan bit back a smile. He couldn’t afford to let phrases like that get to him any more, not from Phil. To remind himself  _ exactly  _ why, he asked, “So, you and Alex. You own this place together?”

Phil nodded, his face brightening again at the mention of Alex. Dan tried not to hurl. “Yeah, like I said, Alex found it. It was always my dream, though, I don’t think he’d ever thought of it before he met me.”

“Oh?” Dan picked at the tablecloth. “Have you known each other long, then?”

“Two years, now,” Phil smiled. “Had our anniversary just last month.”

Two years. Too long. Too long to have any hope - not that Dan should be thinking like that,  _ no,  _ he didn’t go around wishing for other people’s happy relationships to end. So, because Dan hated himself, he said, “That’s really cool. You seem happy.”

“We are,” Phil affirmed, and Dan felt it like a punch to the stomach. Something in his face must have shown his inner turmoil, though, as Phil’s face instantly softened and he said, “Oh, Dan, I’m sorry. How insensitive.”

Dan blinked, confused.

“I mean, with you just going through a break-up - the last thing you must want to hear about is me and my happy partner.” Phil grimaced a little. “I’m sorry.”

Dan shook his head faintly. “It’s not a problem.” At least, not in the way Phil thought.

“Still, I should have thought more before I spoke. Sorry, Dan.”

Dan smiled back, and did his best not to feel guilty. Phil’s words softened his heart, but not because he didn’t want to think about Maria - more because Alex was a constant reminder that Dan could never have Phil.

That shouldn’t hurt him as much as it did.

\---

Despite Dan’s best efforts to keep Phil at a distance, the friendship between them just grew and grew. The worst thing was, Dan couldn’t even bring himself to be that upset about it. In some of his darkest days, when he was lost without purpose or got another failed job application through (‘we’re sorry, Mr Howell, but we fail to see how your skill set fits in with our graphics company’), Phil’s bright smile and bracing positivity were the best thing to get him through the day.

Mornings quickly became routine - Dan would sit at the flowery table next to whichever new houseplant Phil had invested in, poring over the job section of the newspaper, while Phil would bring him breakfast and a constant supply of coffee or hot chocolate and keep him awake with terrible puns or bad dad jokes.

Dan should be irritated, but it was impossible.

Of course, the best mornings (for Dan at least) were mornings when Alex would disappear quickly, saying something about having to rush to the bank, which left Phil to lavish all his attention upon Dan.

(And no, he didn’t have a jealousy problem. It was just, Phil was so  _ nice,  _ and sometimes seeing that niceness given to other people was difficult. Even if the other person was Phil’s  _ partner _ ).

Gladys and Edith had left the B&B after Dan’s fourth week, and since then there had been a steady stream of guests only staying one or two nights - not long enough for Dan to get to know any of them. Not that Dan really minded. The only person outside Phil that he’d had any real contact with was Stuart, who still regularly called to check that Dan was doing ok.

(Dan lied through his teeth and said he was fine, and it kept Stuart mostly off his back).

This particular morning, Dan was feeling especially rotten. He’d gone through three job applications and been rejected by all of them, even after getting to the interview stages for two. Admittedly, none of them were something he could see himself doing long-term, but he’d at least  _ hoped  _ to have  _ something  _ by now. Not least because he felt bad for constantly mooching off Phil without actually having contributed any money to him yet. Dan’s bank balance had been in a sorry state of affairs ever since he’d lost his job.

The minute Dan made his way into the breakfast room and slumped down onto the table, Phil took one look at his face and clucked his tongue in sympathy. “Today’s a hot chocolate kind of day?”

Dan just groaned. He pulled the newspaper towards him (Phil usually left the most recent copy out on the table with the milk) and opened it up with dread. He didn’t even want to  _ look  _ at another advertisement.

“You know, maybe you’re just going about this the wrong way,” Phil said thoughtfully when he returned with a steaming mug of hot chocolate and a plate full of food.

Dan instantly wrapped his long fingers around the mug, cursing the way his stomach flipped when his fingers brushed Phil’s in the process. He glanced up, bleary-eyed. “How’d you mean?”

“Well.” Phil settled into the seat opposite Dan, pursing his lips. “You keep going for what’s on offer.”

“...Yes, that’s usually how these things work.”

“Well, what if you didn’t?”

Dan frowned. “How’d you mean?”

“What if,” Phil leaned forward, his eyes glinting slightly, “Instead of going for stuff you don’t even want just because it’s there, you took some time to think over what you  _ do  _ want to do?”

Dan blinked at him. “...How do I even work out what I want to do?”

“Have a thinking session,” Phil advised. “Make mind maps. I’ve got coloured pens.”

Dan bit back a smile. “But - Phil - I - I wouldn’t even know where to  _ start _ .”

“I could help you.” Phil hesitated, biting his inner cheek. “I mean, only if you wanted. But I think it might be good for you.”

“You hardly even know me.”

“I’m not so sure that’s true,” Phil disagreed quietly. “We may have only known each other a short while, Dan, but I think I understand at least some of you.”

Dan blinked at him. As much as he wanted to disagree, Phil’s words were doing something strange and wriggly to his insides. He liked the thought that Phil might know him.

He liked even more the thought that Phil wanted to get to know him better.

“I’ve never known what I wanted,” Dan said slowly after a moment.

Phil looked at him intently. “How do you mean?”

Dan lifted one shoulder, half-shrugging. “Dunno really. I just - never really had to make the decision.”

“Did you just do what everyone else told you?” Phil’s lips twitched. “You seem a bit stubborn for that.”

“Rude.”

“Well, am I wrong?”

“...Not exactly,” Dan admitted, sending Phil a sharp glare when he laughed. “But I didn’t just do what I was told - it was more, the path just laid itself out for me, you know?”

“I’m not sure that I do, honestly.”

Dan sighed. “Like - my dad’s a lawyer. My mum always wanted me to do something intelligent and well-paid. I got good grades, so it kind of just made sense.”

Phil nodded slowly, examining Dan across the table. “I suppose. Can’t really imagine you as a lawyer, to be honest.”

Dan narrowed his eyes.

“Your arguments in court would all be in internet slang.” Phil’s lips were twitching. “ _ Tbh, your honour, I literally think my client should like totally be allowed out…” _

“Ok, Ok,” Dan interrupted loudly, “I think that’s enough.”

Phil snickered.

“For your information,” Dan muttered, “I was  _ perfectly  _ articulate. Maria loved that about me - was one of the few things I could actually do well.”

Phil’s expression softened. “I’m sure you do plenty more than pronounce a few fancy words.”

Dan gave a harsh laugh. He  _ wished.  _ But then he caught sight of Phil’s face, who looked genuinely saddened, and guilt twisted in his stomach. So Dan tried for a smile. “I mean - I’m pretty good at making curry?”

Phil’s lips twitched again. “So there you go - you should run the world’s very first articulate restaurant.”

Dan was laughing before he knew it.

Phil kept him talking while Dan ate his breakfast, throwing out more and more ridiculous ideas for Dan’s possible career path. Even though they were all completely outlandish and impossible (to the tune of becoming a space cadet and beginning humanity’s colonisation of Mars), Dan couldn’t help but join in on the endless scheming. It made him feel better, too. This was what he meant about Phil being one of the only things that got Dan through the day.

Once his food was finished, Dan sat looking forlornly at his plate, at a bit of a loss. Phil was right - he didn’t really want to keep applying for jobs he didn’t care about.

Phil, with his weird telepathic-Dan powers, seemed to catch on, as he got to his feet and laid a warm, heavy palm on Dan’s shoulder.

Dan resisted leaning into the touch.

“It’ll be ok,” Phil assured him quietly. “Maybe take today to go over what you want. Lock your past firmly in a box and float it away down a river - this is the beginning of Dan 2 point 0.”

Dan’s lips struggled into a smile. “Maybe I’ll like him better than the original.”

“I hope so.” Phil squeezed his shoulder before going to take Dan’s plate away. “I know I like him already.”

Dan desperately tried to suppress the way those words made his insides turn to mush.

\---

Despite his misgivings, Dan actually took Phil’s advice. He spent the morning squirreled away in his room, lying on the ridiculously comfortable bed surrounded by pillows, and used some of Phil’s coloured pens to write out various ideas for what he liked doing.

There wasn’t much to go off, but there was a bit. Dan liked the internet, he liked computers, he liked eating, and he liked writing. He also had a lot of opinions. There was also his avid love of consuming films, anime, and basically any form of media that involved acting or animation.

If he couldn’t take up his own dreams of becoming an actor, maybe he could review other people?

Dan toyed with the idea of starting up a blog. He could always work part-time at something temporary, or work freelance for a few publications, while he was trying to get established. Briefly, he allowed himself dreams of becoming a top movie reviewer, the kind of person with their own talk show, interviewing the stars on the red carpet.

Hey, he could dream if he wanted.

Eventually, though, he had to come back to earth. Dan forcefully pulled himself out of his daydream of meeting Jennifer Lawrence at a glitzy premiere and instead got himself to his feet, deciding once again to take Phil’s advice. If he wanted to move forward, first he was going to have to shut the door on his past.

Maybe it was finally time to fetch the last of his stuff from his old apartment.

Unfortunately, Dan didn’t have the best timing. He’d forgotten that Maria sometimes took Wednesday afternoons off, so once he used his key to get into the flat he was greeted by her stony stare from the breakfast bar.

Dan bit his lip. “I can just turn right back around--”

“No, no, there’s no point.” Maria’s tone was frosty and clipped. “Might as well get the last of your stuff out while you can.”

Dan bit down hard on his lip. Yes, he knew that was what he was here for, but still - did she have to say it so  _ bluntly _ ?

“Well, OK then,” he said in the most neutral tone he could manage, and shut the door behind him.

“You can leave your keys with me, too,” Maria added. Dan looked over to frown at her, but she hadn't even bothered to look up from the magazine she was reading.

Dan’s stomach twisted. This was his whole life - this flat, and Maria, and his work at her law firm. It was still sort of hard to believe that he'd been kicked so thoroughly and forcefully out into a new world, while this one just kept ticking on without him.

He moved woodenly through into their living room, stopping to scoop up the remaining video games he’d left. Maria had stacked them all into a neat pile in his absence, but she’d messed up the order he liked to keep them in. Dan did his best to keep a handle on his temper, just packed them away into his bag, and then stood to move through to the bedroom.

“Don’t go in there,” Maria said sharply from behind him.

Dan turned, arching a brow. “Why? I left my chargers in there.”

“I packed all your stuff up in that bag.” Maria pointed down to the cupboard by the sink, her eyes careful as she watched him.

Dan watched her right back, narrowing his eyes. “Why’d you do that?”

“Because I needed the space,” she answered calmly.

Dan snorted. “I hardly think you need space when it’s just you in that giant room.”

Maria went coldly silent.

Dan stopped in his tracks on his way over to the cupboard. Slowly, he span around to face her again, and this time his brows were deeply furrowed. She was looking steadfastly down at her magazine, her dark curls pulled into a tight ponytail. She was refusing to look at him.

“You’re not on your own in there, are you?” Dan asked.

Maria didn’t answer, but Dan could see the back of her neck turning red, just in the place it always did when she was embarrassed.

Dan let out a disbelieving laugh. “I can’t believe you.”

“It’s really none of your business, Dan,” Maria answered primly.

“Yeah, right,” Dan grumbled, ripping open the cupboard savagely to pull his bag out. His stuff was in a fucking  _ binliner.  _ “You couldn’t wait to get me out, huh?”

“Can you honestly blame me?”

Dan span to face her again, growling, “You could at least  _ pretend  _ to be upset!”

“Dan, you have been a liability for  _ years _ ,” Maria hissed, keeping her voice tightly controlled. “You know this case was just the last straw.”

Dan flinched. His eyes hardened, and he drew in a shaky breath, hating how much his throat was burning. “Wow, tell me what you really think.”

“You must have seen this coming,” Maria argued, and Dan was savagely pleased when her voice cracked a bit. “You can’t have been happy, either.”

“Apparently I was happier than you.”

Maria flinched. She fixed him with a pitying stare that Dan actually hated more than her anger.

“You know what? Fuck it.” Dan stood up straight, grabbing the bin liner and his bag and heading straight for the door. He threw his keys down onto the desk and fixed her with a harsh stare, hoping that he was hiding the burning in his eyes. “I don’t care anymore. I was never good enough for you.”

Maria didn’t deny it. She stared back at him, her expression softening. “Maybe if you’d just worked a little harder…”

A snort escaped Dan’s lips. “You don’t get it, do you? I gave you  _ everything _ .”

Maria winced, but she had no answer. Dan hadn’t been expecting one, not really.

With his throat feeling blocked and his eyes still burning, Dan spit out, “Goodbye, Maria,” and slammed the door behind him.

No one followed.

**\---**

When Dan made it back to the B&B after throwing the last of his things in the storage unit, it was already nightfall and he was feeling decidedly grumpy. His mouth had a sour taste in it after conversing with Maria - not that she was ever outwardly spiteful. That was almost the worst thing. She didn’t get angry, just  _ disappointed,  _ leaving Dan feeling even more worthless than he already did.

Needless to say, when Dan stamped his way back into the B&B, he was feeling more than a little down.

The bell tinkled its usual cheery note as he stepped inside, and Dan glared back at it. It had no right to sound so happy when he was so damn  _ miserable _ .

“That you, Dan?” Phil’s voice called, followed by the man himself bounding into the corridor. His face softened in sympathy when he saw Dan’s morose appearance. “Uh oh. Another bad day?”

“Sorry,” Dan mumbled, “You must be sick of me complaining all the time.”

“Nah, I think at this point I’d be more confused if you ran through the door cheering excitedly and grinning.” Phil’s tone was teasing, but there was a gentle undercurrent that made Dan want to melt. “You want to talk about it?”

Dan groaned. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Really? Because you seem to be having a staring contest with my doorbell.”

Dan started, giving his head a shake. He tore his eyes away from the offending piece of equipment and instead forced himself to look at Phil, even if looking at Phil burned a little. He tried to speak, surprised when his breath caught in his throat.

“Oh, Dan.” Phil’s expression softened further, and Dan could feel actual burning in his eyes. He squeezed them shut, refusing to cry because of the kindness of a random stranger who was too good for Dan.

But Phil’s warm hand was back on Dan’s shoulder, pulling at him a little, and then it slid further around Dan’s back. Dan pressed the heel of his palm into his eye, taking another shuddering breath, and then Phil was stepping closer and winding both his long arms around Dan’s back.

Dan fell into the embrace as if he was finally home.

Phil was warm - like, seriously warm. Dan was truly beginning to consider the fact that he might be some kind of sun alien trapped on earth. As it was, he radiated heat and comfort and a soft, gentle smell that reminded Dan of home cooking. His jumper was soft against Dan’s cheek.

“It’s going to be ok,” Phil promised, and in his low, gentle voice, Dan almost believed it. “Come with me.”

Dan allowed himself to be coaxed through into the other room and lowered onto a sofa, Phil instantly taking up residence beside him. He kept one arm wound around Dan’s shoulders, gently patting at his back in a gesture Dan normally would have scoffed at as patronising. But, this was Phil. In Dan’s eyes, apparently, Phil could do no wrong.

“I’m alright,” Dan croaked, even though he evidently was not.

Phil didn’t believe him. He offered Dan a small smile, giving his shoulder a squeeze. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“‘S really nothing to tell,” Dan mumbled, sniffing. At this point he was glad there was no possible way Phil could be attracted to him - he didn’t feel  _ quite  _ so mortified at the snot covering his face and the tears still clinging to the edge of his lashes.

Phil nudged his shoulder lightly. “Even if there isn’t much, I’d still like to hear it. I mean, if you want to talk.”

Dan sat silently for another heavy minute before he relented with a groan. “I went to get the last of my stuff.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah. Only she was in this time.” Dan  furiously scrubbed at his eyes again. “So, uh, I couldn’t exactly avoid her, like I have been.”

Phil clucked his tongue sympathetically. He pulled Dan in for another light hug, but then jumped up to his feet.

Dan’s thoughts stuttered. He wanted Phil to come back.

“Come on.” Phil thrust a hand out in Dan’s face, his tone gently determined.

Dan blinked up at him. “Where’re we going?”

“To eat.” Phil jerked his head behind him. “I was cooking when you came in the door.”

“Oh, sorry--”

“No, no, you didn’t interrupt anything. Alex is away for the night and I was contemplating some lonely pasta. It’ll be better with company.” Phil tilted his head. “If you wanted?”

Dan bit down on his inner cheek. He hated the part of himself that was relieved at the news that Alex was away - time to spend with Phil,  _ just Phil,  _ was being dangled right in front of his face.

There was no way Dan should take up the offer. It would do dangerous things to his heart, if the constant wriggling of his insides was anything to go by.

But there was also no way he could refuse. Not when Phil was looking at him so hopefully.

“Yeah, alright.” Dan cleared his throat, wincing when it cracked. “I mean - if I really won’t be a bother.”

“Not at all!” Phil waved him over to the kitchen. “Come on. You can tell me all the things you hated most about your ex, and I’ll cackle at her. It’ll make you feel better, I promise.”

Dan almost cracked a smile. He walked hesitantly after Phil into the kitchen, glancing around surreptitiously. He’d never actually been in here before - just caught the occasional glimpse from the dining table. Phil usually disappeared in here to make breakfast, occasionally accompanied by Alex if he was around.

But there was no Alex here now. Dan sternly told himself off for being glad about that as he leaned awkwardly against the counter by Phil’s side.

“So come on,” Phil encouraged as he went back to stirring some kind of sauce, “I want every evil juicy detail about your ex.”

Despite himself, Dan’s lips twitched. “I mean, she wasn’t all that bad.”

“You can do better than that!” Phil sounded betrayed.

“She really isn’t bad, though.”

“Well, she must have some lack of common sense, if she let  _ you  _ go,” Phil muttered, which just sent all kinds of stupid, irrational thoughts racing through Dan’s skull.

Dan forced himself to laugh it off, praying that the heat he felt rushing to his cheek wasn’t visible. “I don’t blame her for that, not at all.”

“Why not?” Phil paused to give Dan a long, considering look. “I mean, you don’t have to tell me. But I can’t see any good reason to dump you. Objectively.”

Right. Objectively. Once again, Dan was forced to hide his fluster behind an awkward laugh. “You don’t know the half of it, Phil.”

“Did you run over her dog?”

Dan shuddered. “ _ I  _ couldn’t even live with myself if I injured a harmless dog.”

“Did you steal all her money, then? Send her best friend to the moon?”

Dan shook his head, holding back a snort. “No, fuck, Phil. What do you take me for?”

“Well, if you haven’t done any of those things, then I can’t think why she got rid of you.”

“Really? I could have, like, murdered all her family for all you know.”

“Oh.” Phil pursed his lips and reached out seriously to pinch Dan’s arm. “Nah. There isn’t enough strength on you.”

Dan spluttered. “I’ll have you know I’m totally strong!”

“Alright, alright.” Phil’s eyes were dancing as he turned back to the sauce. “But you didn’t kill her family, right?”

“No.” Dan shook his head, and he was smiling without realising. “No, I didn’t. Almost as bad, though.”

“Oh?”

“I messed up getting her a file.”

Phil blinked. “...Maybe I’m just missing something, but that really doesn’t sound too bad?”

“Well.” Dan grimaced. “Put it in the context of a giant courtroom in front of one of the most superior judges around. She went to read some key info, and - well. It wasn’t there.”

Phil winced. “Ouch.”

“Yeah. I could have  _ sworn  _ I put it in her pile.”

“Maybe someone else moved it?” Phil said kindly.

Dan shook his head, though he was touched by Phil’s blatant and misplaced trust in him. “No, no, sadly it was a very me thing to do. I’m not - uhh - not the most motivated worker.”

Phil’s lips twitched. “I guess if you were as late as you are to breakfast every morning, I can understand that.”

“Hey! I thought you were supposed to be making me feel better!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Phil snickered, though, as he handed Dan a plate and led him over to the table. “Go on, then. Tell me everything you won’t miss.”

Dan poked morosely at his food. “There’s not much.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.” Phil eyed him closely, smirking. “C’mon, everyone has things that annoy them about their partner. You were together - three years, was it?”

Dan nodded.

“That’s plenty of time,” Phil said bracingly. “You must have a bunch of stuff she used to do that annoyed you.”

Dan grimaced a bit. “I don’t know if I--”

“It’ll make you feel better.” Phil gave him a lingering look. “Trust me?”

Well, how could Dan possibly say no to that look?

“Alright.” Dan blew out a breath, scooping up a forkful of pasta. “I guess - uhh - she used to love waking me up super early just to hear me gripe at her. She’d poke me until I got up. I don’t miss not having a lie-in.”

Phil gave a small smile. “I suppose I can allow you to be late for my breakfast, then.”

“Thanks, Phil. Glad you understand.”

“Well, sleep is important.”

“Exactly. Maria never really got that.” Dan pursed his lips thoughtfully as he continued to eat. “She’d always use my hair straighteners, too, but I  _ swear  _ she could never put them back in the right place. Or she’d take hours so I had to go to work with my stupid hobbit hair.”

Phil’s eyes lit up with interest. “Your hair’s curly?”

Dan gave a shudder. “You don’t even want to know.”

“I bet I do.”

“You  _ really  _ don’t.”

“I’m gonna have to sneak up sometime before you’ve got your hands on your straighteners,” Phil mused.

Dan tried not to conjure up any images of how exactly Phil might get to be in his bedroom, or what he might be doing in there in the first place.

“Anyway,” Phil added, “Lie-ins and properly styled hair. What’s to be sad about now?”

Dan, despite himself, snorted.

Conversation after that flowed easily between them - as it always did with Phil. The pasta was good, the company was even better, and Dan found himself settling into the kind of friendship that he’d only ever dreamed about. Things with Phil were just so natural. Dan didn’t even have time to overthink in the way he normally would, because Phil would be right there with some terrible pun or random animal fact to pull him right back out of his own dangerous thoughts.

For the first time in years, Dan felt himself properly relaxing.

Dangerous. That’s what this was. Entirely dangerous. Because as much as Dan tried to remember that Phil was in a happy relationship, the ease with which they were talking over dinner was far too reminiscent of a date. A  _ good  _ date at that - the kind that Dan hadn’t been on since he’d first started seeing Maria. And even then, it hadn’t been like this. Maria was his boss - Dan had always been a bit intimidated. Phil, on the other hand - being with Phil was natural.

But it couldn’t be. Dan needed to remember that.

\---

Over time, Dan got slightly better at remembering that Phil wasn’t and could never be his.

Not that Phil was making it an easy job. Once Dan started moping around the B&B more, at a complete loss of what to do, Phil made it his job to keep Dan entertained. He’d drag Dan around with him when he cleaned up the rooms, making him laugh and play games like ‘guess the guests’ when they were clearing up after people who had checked out. The ease of their friendship knocked Dan off his feet, but it also felt … natural. And it was enough. It was more than enough.

“Look at this!” Phil stage-whispered from the other side of a double bed as he straightened up with a stray sock in his hand. “This one’s a keeper. Must have been sock-goblins staying here.”

Dan shook his head, exasperation battling amusement. “Or, you know, your guests were lazy.”

“I don’t think so, I totally saw Mrs. Bradshaw going for another round of cereal this morning. That’s  _ bravery _ , not laziness.”

Dan snorted. “In that case, she’ll probably miss her sock. Can you post it to her?”

Phil looked forlornly at the sock hanging from his grip, his lower lip sticking out a little. How could he even be real. Seriously, it wasn’t fair for life to dangle someone like him right in front of Dan’s nose and then deny him any chance of getting closer.

“It’s got  _ pandas  _ on it,” Phil whined after a moment. “I can’t part with this.”

Dan arched a brow. “...Do you make a habit of keeping your guests’ underwear as mementos?”

“But  _ pandas _ , Dan!” Phil let out a surprised laugh. “I’ll even risk looking like a creep if I get cuteness out of it.”

“That’s a really questionable life philosophy, Phil.”

“Don’t tell.” Phil pocketed the sock, then went back to hoovering the carpet. “It can be our little secret.”

Dan did his best to look disapproving, but  _ really.  _ Phil was impossible like that.

However, the morning showed Dan a way out of something that he’d been feeling a bit bad about - a way of repaying Phil for all of his kindness. Dan was painfully aware that he was still lacking a job, and really lacking any motivation to do anything about it. But he had yet to give Phil any kind of money for staying at his B&B, and he was kind of staying indefinitely. Phil was still surreptitiously extending his stay on the register every week, and Dan was sure that by now it must be raising some eyebrows.

He wanted a way to at least earn his keep.

“I’ve got a proposition for you,” Dan demanded as he stalked downstairs later that afternoon.

Phil blinked at him from the reception desk. “...Ok?”

“So.” Dan forcefully took the seat opposite Phil and levelled a charged stare at him, resisting the urge to grin at the slightly terrified look in Phil’s eyes. “I kind of feel bad.”

“Really? Don’t do that.” Phil coughed. “Um -  I mean - what do you even feel bad about?”

Dan squirmed. “I haven’t paid you.”

“Oh! Oh, Dan, come on, don’t worry about that--”

“Your kindness aside, Phil, I must be eating into your resources by now.” Dan placed his palms flat on the table and looked straight into Phil’s (slightly wild) eyes. “So I’m going to do something about it.”

“You don’t have to move out,” Phil blurted.

Dan blinked.

“I mean it - you’re not a problem, not really.” Phil’s eyes widened. “Not at all, in fact. And I know you’re going through a rough time - it’s fine, you can stay here, honestly.”

Dan tilted his head. “Even though you have no idea when I’m going to be able to pay you? If at all?”

“Well, I mean, I could probably chase you down if you ran away completely.”

“How?”

“Er...” Phil bit his lip, and Dan wondered again just exactly how Phil managed to run a successful business.

“Well, it doesn’t matter anyway,” Phil answered defensively, “Because you’re not just going to run away. Right?”

“Of course not.”

“Well then.” Phil retreated behind his computer screen, but the tips of his ears were red. “There’s nothing to worry about, is there?”

Dan shook his head. “There’s still the small matter of me not giving you  _ anything _ .”

“It’s honestly fine, Dan.” Phil looked at him from over the screen, eyes soft.

Dan closed his eyes and let out a long-drawn-out sigh. “Your kindness  _ aside _ , Phil, because honestly, you’re making me feel like a complete lecher.”

“Well, we wouldn’t want that.” There was mirth bubbling under Phil’s tone.

“So.” Dan tried to keep his expression serious as he eyed Phil closely over the table. “My proposition.”

Phil mirrored him, doing his best to take the situation seriously, even though Dan could still see the amusement in his expression. “Shoot.”

“I’m saying that, in return for you letting me stay here until I sort my sorry self out, I’ll help you out with things around here. Like, I can clean some of the rooms, and help you with laundry and taking the rubbish out, I’ll wash up if you trust me near your dishes--”

“Dan, no.” Phil held up a hand, narrowing his eyes. “You don’t need to do any of that.”

“But I’m not  _ paying  _ you,” Dan protested weakly.

“And that’s fine! You’re in a rough patch--”

“Yes, but that doesn’t mean  _ you  _ should have to--”

“It’s no bother at all--”

“Phil!” Dan slammed his hand on the table so hard that Phil actually jumped. “I am helping you, and you are going to let me, and that’s the last of it. Got it?”

Phil blinked, wide-eyed, up at him. “...Alright?”

“ _ Finally.  _ Fuck. I thought you’d never agree.”

“Right.” Phil’s voice was still a little squeaky. “Um. Question?”

Dan leaned back a bit. “Yeah?”

“Was that your courtroom voice? Because if it was, then I can completely understand why you won cases.”

Dan stared at him for half-a-second before he burst out laughing. He made a deliberate effort to soften his voice as he responded, “Yeah, probably. Seemed like the only way to make you see sense.”

“But I’m not letting you do too much,” Phil warned with one lifted finger. “You’re still a guest, whatever you say.”

“I’m not made of glass.”

“Well, no, but still.” Phil looked a little pained. “It’s the  _ principle,  _ Dan.”

“I want to help. You deserve it.”

“You can do some of the laundry,” Phil acquiesced reluctantly, “And you can keep helping me clean the rooms, but that is  _ it. _ ”

Dan deliberated for a little while, but really, he didn’t have too many complaints. His natural procrastinator was rearing its ugly head, and as bad as he felt for Phil, he didn’t  _ actually  _ want to wash up dirty plates for a living. But he was going to help Phil, to repay him at least a little for all the kindness that Dan didn’t deserve.

“Alright, deal,” Dan said eventually, and the way Phil beamed was like a punch in the stomach.

_ Not mine,  _ Dan reminded himself.

Thankfully, just at that moment, Alex made a reappearance, shuffling in through the front door laden down with shopping bags. Phil jumped up to help him without a second’s hesitation. Dan stayed in the seat for as long as he could stand, not wanting to run away as soon as Alex appeared because he wasn’t stupid enough to know just how incredibly rude that would be.

But Dan could only bear a few minutes of watching Phil banter easily with Alex, grasping his hand as they unpacked the bags together, and discussing what new colour they wanted to paint their bedroom, before he had to beg exhaustion and flee back up to his room.

_ Not mine, _ Dan reminded himself savagely as he threw himself down onto his bed.  _ Not mine. Not mine. Not mine. _

\---

Phil had forced Dan to go outside for the third time in one week, which really was a little bit excessive.  _ Sure,  _ Dan might have been hiding in his room for an unhealthy amount of time, but there was absolutely  _ no need  _ for Phil to pinch his cheek one morning at breakfast, tut loudly, and announce that he was taking Dan out for the day.

The first trip had been to the garden centre, of all places, where Dan learned just how dangerous Phil’s obsession with houseplants truly was. The second trip had been around the park, because Dan apparently ‘looked like he needed more sunshine in his life’.

Dan had to fight really hard not to say that Phil was enough.

This time, though, they were headed to the bank, as Alex was unwell and couldn’t do his usual run there. Dan really wondered exactly what business could be so important to need so many trips to the bank, but it wasn’t his business, and as much as he wanted to, Dan couldn’t pry. It was probably just his lawyer brain unable to shut off its suspicious nature, coupled with his innate desire to dislike Alex, no matter how warm and charming the man seemed to be.

Upon their arrival, Phil wandered up to the desk and was met by a man who had ‘Jonathan’ printed on his nametag. The man’s face fell a bit when he saw Phil’s account. “Oh. I thought Alex usually dealt with this business?”

“Oh, yeah,” Phil agreed brightly, “Usually, but he’s a bit unwell today.”

“I see.” Jonathan’s lips pursed. “And you are?”

“Phil. Phil Lester? I’m the joint owner.”

Jonathan’s face fell even further. Dan narrowed his eyes, stepping up closer to Phil’s side, feeling an odd sense of protectiveness. He laid a gentle arm on Phil’s elbow, feeling him tense up.

“So you’re Alex’s partner,” Jonathan said flatly after an incredibly awkward silence.

Phil blinked. “Uh. Yeah? Is that relevant?”

“Of course not,  _ sir. _ ” Jonathan’s expression was almost a sneer, but he input Phil’s data readily enough.

Dan stayed close by Phil’s side, keeping an eye on Jonathan for the whole time. And it was a good job, too, because barely seconds later Jonathan was looking back up at Phil with a smarmy smile on his face. “I’m sorry, but there seems to be a problem.”

“What?” Phil’s face fell. “What problem?”

“Your account’s been locked, we’ll need the passcode to get in.”

“Are - are you sure?” Phil asked weakly. “Alex has the passcode, not me.”

Jonathan’s smile grew lecherous. “Then I suppose you’ll just have to send him, won’t you?”

Phil gaped, so Dan stepped in, his brows lowering. “Are you sure it isn’t your system?”

Jonathan barely flicked Dan a glance, all his attention focused on Phil.

“Excuse me?” Dan rapped his knuckles against the desk.

That seemed to get his attention, because Jonathan turned to glare at Dan. “Do you have any dealings here?”

“No,” Dan forced his voice to remain calm, “But you have a legal duty to give Phil access to his account.”

“As I just explained, sir, the account is locked.”

“So get someone who can fix it,” Dan answered evenly, “Or get your manager over here.”

Jonathan laughed.

Dan leaned a little closer. “I’m sorry, I don’t quite see what’s amusing. Phil’s given you proof of his identity - so either get into the account, or get your manager. Simple enough, right?”

Jonathan glowered at him. “The account is locked.”

“So try again.”

They held a glare for a long time, in which Phil looked awkwardly between them, shifting a bit on his feet. Dan hadn’t taken his hand off Phil’s elbow - a fact Jonathan seemed to notice, as his oily gaze slid over them both.

Finally, after an excruciating silence, Jonathan turned back to the computer and tapped on a few keys.

“Oh,” he sniffed, “The system seems to be working again. What is it you wanted to do today,  _ sir _ ?”

Phil stepped forward, shooting Dan a grateful look, and continued with his business. Dan managed a small smile back at him. For all of his mess of a life, helping Phil Lester was something Dan wanted to be good at. In whatever capacity he was allowed.

Later, once the business at the bank was done, Phil rushed Dan out onto the street and drew in a shaky, trembling breath. “That was horrible. We’re getting sushi for lunch. C’mon.”

Dan blinked, but he didn’t argue as he got dragged down the street. In fact, he was fighting to keep the smile off his face. “Don’t you have toilets to clean?”

“Oh,  _ thanks _ , Dan.”

“What? That’s your business, right? Cleaning up other people’s messes?”

“Messes like  _ you,  _ Dan Howell.” Phil shoved his side, but he was smiling. “And I don’t care. I need sushi. I don’t think anyone has ever hated me so quickly before as that guy in the bank.”

“That man’s clearly an alien, no one could hate you,” Dan answered without thinking.

Phil blinked. He turned to face Dan, a small smile on his face, and Dan instantly bit his lip. He  _ really  _ needed to start thinking before he spoke - one of these days, his runaway mouth was going to get him into serious trouble.

“Thanks for sticking up for me,” Phil said suddenly. “No one’s done that in a while.”

Dan ignored the way his heart tore a little - or at least, he tried to. Instead, he answered breezily, “No problem, defending the helpless is what I do for a living. Or used to, at least.”

Phil let out a little muffled laugh. “You must have been good at it.”

“Not really. Well, I liked that bit, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

Dan gnawed on his lip, taking a moment to answer. “I mean - I liked helping people. Learning their stories, and figuring out how I could make their lives a little better. Defending the ones who really deserved it, or gathering evidence of a crime. It made me feel like maybe I was worth something, you know?”

Phil kept looking at him with the softest, most gentle look Dan had ever seen.

Dan wondered if he’d accidentally revealed too much, panic starting to take hold of his chest. Had he said something stupid? Or something so ridiculously soppy that Phil was going to laugh in his face, kick him out, and never want anything to do with him ever again?

“I think,” Phil murmured after a moment, “That you, Dan Howell, are a very good person.”

Dan couldn’t quite explain the tightening in his chest, or the smile that touched his lips.

Phil stayed close by Dan’s side as they continued on down the street, his elbow knocking infuriatingly against Dan’s arm. If this were any other person, and Dan was having these feelings, he would have reached out to grab Phil’s hand by now, maybe even wrapped an arm around his waist.

But no. Phil wasn't his and never would be. Phil and Alex had a happy relationship and they owned a freaking business together, and Dan had absolutely no reason to go poking his nose in it. Phil could never be his, and Dan better start getting his act together if he wanted to keep Phil as a friend.

Phil asked Dan for somewhere good to eat, so Dan took them to his favourite sushi place - he'd dragged Maria here on numerous dates back when they were first beginning their relationship. Needless to say, the memories did nothing to help settle Dan’s racing heart. 

Matters were not helped by Phil’s enthusiastic bounding as he discovered the revolving sushi bar. He stood up on his tiptoes - which said a lot at their height - and tugged excitedly at Dan’s arm. “Ooh, look, they have the little green ones!”

“There's literally no reason to be so excited,” Dan murmured, torn between second-hand embarrassment and an extreme case of fond.

“But look at this! It has  _ everything _ .”

“Naturally,” Dan sniffed, “I have excellent taste in food.”

“Clearly.” Phil hummed. “Much better than Alex - he doesn't ever let me have sushi.”

Dan blinked. Before he could say something foolish about how he was so much better than Alex in basically every way (which Alex surely didn't deserve, being the irritatingly sweet guy that he was), Phil was gripping Dan’s hand and leading him over to two seats in an isolated corner.

Dan ordered his heart to calm the fuck down.

Phil leaned against him easily as they piled food into their plates, demanding that Dan snatch him up some of the nicer snacks when they came past because apparently Dan had much bigger hands and so could get more each time.

Dan wasn't convinced by Phil’s logic - especially when Phil proceeded to steal most of the food off his plate as well.

“You're just a sushi monster!” Dan was biting back a laugh, swatting Phil’s fingers away from his food.

“Shut up, I'm not,” Phil defended himself even as he stole more. 

“Really? Because you shouldn't argue with a lawyer.”

“Ex lawyer.”

“Too soon!”

“Sorry,” Phil said even as he stole more food.

Dan resigned himself to his fate with a huffy sigh.

Phil’s presence was warm against Dan’s side, made even warmer by the steamy sushi kitchen not more than five metres away. The smell of the food weighed heavily in the air, giving Dan the heady feeling that maybe they were living in a different world. An alternate universe, where he was allowed to sit close to Phil, and take Phil’s hand, and kiss away the remnants of food that clung to the corner of his mouth.

He was brought right back to earth by the sound of a familiar laugh behind him.

Just coming through the doorway was a tall man with sandy blond hair - Adam, or Adrian, or something - who Dan recognised as working on the floor below him at his old job. Dan had never liked the people from floor two - all snooty-nosed pricks who looked down on the lackey solicitors like Dan.

But the woman on his arm was all kinds of familiar, and the realisation was like getting covered in cold water.

Maria. Hanging off the arm of Adam or Adrian, laughing her head off with a bright, confident smile, dressed right up to the nines.

Dan’s stomach sank into his shoes.

“Dan?” A gentle touch to his arm brought him back to Phil’s eyes sending him a concerned stare. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah.” Dan barely held his gaze before looking back over at Maria and the heathen she’d attached herself to.

Phil followed his gaze, frowning. “Do you know them?”

Just as he spoke, Maria looked over, and she froze when she met Dan’s heavy glare.

The moment barely lasted a second, but it was enough for Dan to swear under his breath.

Phil, of course, was confused. He bumped his shoulder against Dan's side again. “She's staring right at you.”

“Of course she is,” Dan muttered darkly.

Phil blinked.

Dan was still grumbling under his breath. “Honestly, I knew she was over me, but  _ that guy?  _ Really? And  _ already?” _

Phil continued to look confused until something clicked and his eyes widened. “ _ Oh.  _ Is that -  _ her?” _

Dan nodded grimly. He had no chance to explain further, though, because Maria was being dragged over by a very firm-handed Adam-or-Adrian, who had apparently also spotted them and was making a beeline their way.

“Shit,” Dan stated plainly.

“Fancy seeing you here!” Adam-or-Adrian’s voice was loud and brash, just as bad as Dan remembered. “I was just saying to Maria, I wondered how you were doing now you've left our prison of a building.”

“Were you now,” Dan said through gritted teeth with a pointed glare at Maria.

Maria at least had the grace to look a little guilty. Dan honestly couldn’t  _ believe  _ her. The last time they’d spoken, when Dan was moving the last of his stuff out, she’d made it more than clear that she wanted nothing more to do with him. He didn’t want her barging in now, flaunting more of her success in his face with her latest fling on her arm.

Or maybe that was cruel. She mustn’t have known Dan would be here, but still - this was his favourite restaurant. She  _ knew  _ that.

Maybe she picked up on how he was feeling, maybe she didn’t, but Maria’s eyes were steely as she met his gaze. “This is still your favourite place for a first date, then?”

Dan grimaced.

“Um,” Phil said.

Dan turned to face him, wincing. Phil’s eyes were a little wild, darting quickly between Maria and Adam-or-Adrian. They were standing so close together, Maria looked a little suffocated. She’d always yelled at Dan if he stifled her in public.

Maria arched one narrow brow, glancing between Dan and Phil. “Unless you aren’t…”

Something in Dan snapped. Perhaps it was the underlying judgement in her tone, or the way Adam-or-Adrian was grinning smugly at him, or just how comfortable Maria looked under his arm, but Dan couldn’t take it anymore. So he leaned deliberately into Phil’s side, answering, “Oh, no, we definitely are.”

“Um,” said Phil again.

Dan kept his gaze sternly on Maria. He could feel Phil tensing beside him and nudged him gently with his elbow, trying to convey apology and  _ just go with it _ in one simple touch.

Maria’s expression hardened. “Didn’t take you long, did it?”

“Same goes for you,” Dan muttered with a barely disguised glare thrown at Adam-or-Adrian.

Adam-or-Adrian just laughed, a little awkwardly.

Dan took in a slow, careful breath, trembling a little, when suddenly there was a gentle pressure on his thigh. Jumping, he glanced down to see Phil’s hand gently laid on his left leg.

Maria noticed the touch, her tone cool. “I must say I’m surprised.”

Dan tensed again. The sarcasm in her tone was all too familiar - sharp disappointment. Dan couldn’t even do their break-up properly, let alone anything else in their relationship. He was about ready to nope right out of the conversation, but Phil’s thumb was stroking his leg gently and he was leaning closer, pressed right up against Dan’s side, and it felt good even though it shouldn’t.

So Dan threw all caution to the wind and turned back to Maria with a sharp nod. “Yes, well. Not everyone thinks I'm useless.”

“No,” Phil piped up, almost making Dan fall out of his chair. “Dan is anything but useless, in fact.”

Dan looked at him in surprise, but Phil just squeezed Dan’s thigh reassuringly.

Maria gave Phil a long, considering look, the kind which would have had Dan squirming in his seat. Phil, however, endured it calmly, and looked right back.

“I hope he doesn't disappoint you too,” Maria eventually answered.

Dan's shoulders wilted, but Phil answered in a firm voice, “Not possible. People don't need to prove anything, Dan least of all. Maybe your expectations were too high.”

Dan was once again rendered speechless.

Maria simply gave a calm nod in response, then grasped Adam-or-Adrian’s hand and led him over to the other side of the restaurant.

Dan let out a shaky breath. He turned uncertainly to Phil, only to find him looking a little fiercely after Maria, still with a hand on Dan’s thigh.

Dan kind of never wanted to leave the moment.

_ Not mine _ , he reminded himself, because he wasn't living in a Jane Austen novel, and so he gave his head a little shake. He glanced down at his mostly-empty plate and murmured, “Sorry. I had no idea she would be here.”

“It’s no problem.” Phil still wasn’t looking at him, and he still had a hand on Dan’s leg.

Dan swallowed. He didn’t want to say anything -  _ really,  _ he didn’t - but he had to think of Phil here, and he doubted Alex would exactly approve of their situation. So, reluctantly, he shifted a little bit away from Phil and coughed. “And sorry - um - sorry about the - the thing.”

“The thing.” Phil’s tone was amused, his eyes glittering as he turned back around.

Dan waved a hand. “Yeah, y’know. That thing.”

“It’s amazing how you ever spoke in front of a judge.”

“ _ Shut up _ ,” Dan huffed emphatically. 

Phil pressed a hand to his mouth to hide his laughter.

“I  _ meant _ ,” Dan grumbled, “Sorry she kind of thinks we’re on a date. I shouldn’t have gone along with it.”

“‘S’alright,” Phil answered easily, stealing the last of the food off Dan’s plate. “You already know I have a thing for guys.”

“Yeah,” Dan bit his lip, “I mean, I do too, that's not the problem - but--”

Phil shot him an interested look. “You're bi?”

“Yeah - yeah, but I still shouldn't have just--”

“Dan, seriously, I don't mind.” Phil gave Dan’s shoulder a nudge. “I’m always up for rubbing success in snooty exes’ faces.”

Dan blinked.

“She was a bit,” Phil added through his mouthful, “Snooty, I mean. Sorry.”

“I don’t mind,” Dan answered faintly.

“And I didn’t like how she talked about you.”

“Yeah. She did that a lot.”

“Well, she shouldn't have.” Phil’s eyes were a bit too intense as he peered straight at Dan, stealing his breath away. “You're worth more than her opinion, Dan. And you always have been.”

Dan had to swallow past the sudden lump in his throat.

The moment held, not exactly awkward, just  _ intense.  _ Dan could feel his breath getting stolen away, his thoughts turning into a meddling mush. All he could feel was  _ gratitude _ \- he was so grateful to have met Phil. Even if Phil could never be his, Dan was thrilled to have someone like Phil in his life.

Phil didn't look away. He stayed close to Dan, his mouth right by Dan’s ear as he murmured, “She’s still looking, you know. Keeps stealing glances at us from the corner.”

Dan resisted the urge to turn and look - a feat made all the easier by sudden and unexpected proximity to Phil. He kind of just wanted to stay there forever, or maybe lean forwards and tug Phil against him. But they were in public, and it was  _ Phil. _

“I mean,” Phil murmured into Dan’s ear, “We could give her a real show.”

Dan’s eyes widened. “What do you mean?”

Phil’s eyes were glittering dangerously. Dan could drown in that look. “She's looking right at us - how about we steal away any of her misgivings?”

Dan swallowed audibly. His fingers were trembling. Seriously, he hadn't been this much of a mess since he'd first stutteringly asked his high-school girlfriend on a date -  _ why  _ was Phil so good at this? Dan lowered his tone, praying his words didn't come out as a squeak. “Are you having an idea?”

“I think I just might be.” And then Phil's hands were suddenly on Dan’s shoulders, sliding ever-so-slowly up around the back of Dan’s neck, slowly but surely pulling him closer.

Dan stopped breathing.

Phil kept his eyes trained constantly on Dan’s face. He was so close, Dan could count his eyelashes. “Is this ok?”

“Fine,” Dan all but gasped, and cursed his inability to keep his cool.

Phil’s lips twitched. He rested his forehead against Dan’s, and Dan reacted automatically, his fingers finding purchase in the open edges of Phil’s red jacket. The material was scratchy under his nails, grounding him, even as he was fully surrounded in  _ Phil. _

“She's still looking,” Phil whispered, and then he was leaning closer.

Dan’s eyes closed in anticipation, and then lips were pressed gently against his.

Phil was kissing him.

Dan inhaled sharply through his nose, his fingers tightening in Phil’s jacket. Phil’s arms were winding around his neck, pulling him in closer, and Dan jerked again when he felt fingers tangle in his hair. He couldn't help himself - he leaned into Phil. No matter how much Dan’s brain was screaming at him that this was wrong, he couldn't help himself. Not when Phil was being offered. His willpower wasn't strong enough, no matter how his moral compass was going wild.

Phil went to pull back slightly, but Dan chased him, and then they were kissing again, more fiercely. Dan felt Phil breathe against him and he couldn't help the little sigh that escaped him. Phil was so warm, so nice under Dan’s hands, and somehow his arms had found their way around Phil’s waist and they were clinging together through the uncomfortable stools at the sushi bar.

When Phil pulled back this time, Dan let him go with the biggest reluctance he'd ever felt. The drag in his chest was impossible. He forced his eyes open, slowly, and caught Phil looking at him with an expression of utter tenderness.

Dan felt his heart break.

And then Phil broke the spell further, even as he lifted a hand to gently fix Dan’s fringe. “I'm sorry.”

Dan trembled. He couldn't help it. To have Phil  _ apologising,  _ after what was probably the best moment of Dan’s life, was almost too much.

“Was that alright?” Phil suddenly sounded a little worried, and he pulled away from Dan.

Dan’s skull was a chorus of  _ no wait, come back.  _

He grabbed Phil’s hand before he could stop himself. “No, no, it was fine. I - thank you.”

Phil blinked, and Dan wanted to whack himself in the forehead. He tried again. “I mean - thanks for showing her. That, um,” he looked down, gnawing on his lip, “That I've moved on. That I'm capable of moving on without her.”

The awkwardness was going to kill Dan.

Phil, however, broke out into a small smile, and he squeezed his fingers around Dan’s. “I will always be amazed at how you ever held your case in a courtroom.”

“Hey! I'll have you know I'm very eloquent,” Dan muttered.

“Well, I've haven't seen much evidence.” Phil’s tone was full of warmth.

Dan glared at him. “I can recite the complete works of Shakespeare. For your information.”

The words had an unexpected effect - Phil’s mouth opened a little, and he blinked, and then he was shaking his head with a laugh. “Who  _ are  _ you, Dan Howell?”

Dan was smiling despite himself. He leaned into Phil’s side, lips still tingling, and allowed himself to relax in the warmth.

He couldn't have it forever, no. But maybe, for this small piece of time, he could pretend.

\---

Dan couldn’t sleep that night. He found himself totally incapable of shutting out the memory of Phil’s lips against his, consumed with thoughts about what it could  _ mean,  _ and what was he supposed to do now? It couldn’t mean anything. Phil was with Alex -  _ happily  _ with Alex - and Dan couldn’t bring himself to tear apart someone else’s relationship. He refused to be that guy. He might be at a pretty low stage of his life, but he was better than  _ that _ .

He had to be. No matter how much his instincts were screaming at him to declare loud love to Phil and whisk him away into the sunlight.

_ Not mine. Not mine. Not mine.  _ Dan savagely whacked his head against the soft pillow in his room at the B&B in time with the monotonous chant in his head. He had no way to move forward with this line of thinking. Dan  _ had  _ to put away any lingering thoughts he had of being with Phil - it just wasn’t going to happen, and he had to figure out a way to be ok with that.

Dan bit down on his bottom lip, squeezing his eyes shut. The tingling feeling still hadn’t gone away. Every time he remembered the way Phil had kissed him, his stomach dropped and his thoughts swirled and his chest grew very, very warm. No matter how much Dan tried to drag his thoughts away, it did him no good. Phil was imprinted behind his eyelids, burrowed in his bones, tucked inside his skull, and he didn’t seem to be in a rush to go anywhere.

Maybe Dan should start thinking about distancing himself.

Trouble was, that thought  _ hurt.  _ Dan rolled over with a sigh, tugging at the green and blue bedsheets until they were over his head. The little cactus on his windowsill was staring at him, and everything in this room was so  _ Phil  _ that Dan wanted to scream. It was like everything he’d ever wanted out of life was being dangled right in front of his nose, but there was no way he could just reach out and take it.

Because Alex existed. Alex was Phil’s.

Dan closed his eyes and allowed his chest to tighten, letting the pain swamp him for a moment. Yes, it hurt. He hurt, because Phil was someone else’s, and no matter how much Dan’s irrationally hormonal brain wanted to reach out and grab him and whisk him away, he  _ couldn’t. _

At first, Dan had hoped his feelings towards Phil were just a little crush - a rebound from Maria, a natural reaction to someone showing him actual kindness for the first time in literal years. But then Phil kept making him laugh, and caring for him, and insisting on taking him outside so he didn’t get cabin fever. He gave good life advice, his eyes crinkled up when he was happy, and he covered his mouth with shaking shoulders when he laughed. His eyes were impossibly intense, searing straight into Dan’s soul, and Dan kind of wanted to let him in deeper. He’d never wanted to bare his soul to anyone before, preferring to keep himself hidden, but Phil made him want to spill all his secrets.

_ Not mine, _ Dan reminded himself yet again. This thought process was only going to hurt him more in the end. He needed to shove all his feelings back away into a deep dark hole.

Maybe distancing himself from Phil would be the only way.

Dan could already feel it like a hole in his chest, but what other option did he have? Phil was never going to look at him in the same way. The way he’d apologised straight after he kissed Dan told Dan as much, and as much as he might fantasise about kisses like that becoming normal, he  _ couldn’t.  _ It couldn’t happen.

Dan needed to learn to let go.

\---

Dan crawled his way down to breakfast the next morning, bleary-eyed and all but dead on his feet. His thoughts hadn’t shut up for the entire night. He’d considered just lying in all morning, the covers warm and enticing, but Phil had a nasty habit of coming into his room regardless armed with cleaning materials and a booming voice. Besides, Dan was supposed to be helping him around the B&B now - he had to repay Phil somehow for all of the kindness he’d shown Dan.

Part of Dan squirmed at the thought of seeing Phil again, unsure exactly how to act after the kiss. They hadn’t talked about it at all the previous day - Phil had been right back to his normal self after they left the sushi bar, singing random made-up songs as they set about cleaning the B&B. He’d thrown a sock at Dan when he was taking too long staring into space instead of changing the bedsheets.

This morning, though, Dan couldn’t help but wonder. Had Phil had just as much trouble as Dan keeping thoughts of the kiss away? What had even made him kiss Dan in the first place? It wasn’t  _ really  _ necessary to prove anything to Maria - much as Dan appreciated the sentiment - but could he have had another reason? He mustn’t. There was no way he could be  _ attracted  _ to Dan.

Was there?

Dan allowed himself a moment to dream, to imagine it. Phil, crying, torn, suddenly finding himself attracted to Dan instead of his boyfriend of two years. Telling Alex somberly that he had to leave, that he didn’t love him anymore, that instead he’d fallen completely head-over-heels for Dan. Then he’d come running up to Dan’s room in the middle of the night, heart on his sleeve, begging Dan’s forgiveness, saying how he’d fallen madly in love with him…

“Pass the butter, will you?”

Dan jerked out of his daydream, finding one of the other guests this week staring at him from across the table. He muttered an apology and handed over the butter knife, realising slowly that he’d just been holding it suspended over his slice of toast for the better part of ten minutes.

He needed to get a grip. His daydreams were never going to come true. And even if they did, how could he be happy? He’d be destroying Alex’s life,  _ and  _ he’d be a homewrecker. He was supposed to be Phil’s friend. Somehow, Dan didn’t think Phil would appreciate those thoughts.

As if his thoughts had summoned him, Phil came bounding through from the kitchen, expertly balancing three steaming plates. “For Madam,” he bowed, placing one dish in front of the woman who’s asked Dan for the butter, “And for Sir.” The other, Phil placed before the other man at the table - the woman’s husband, Dan thought.

“And for the whiny man-child.” Phil’s eyes were glittering as he placed the third plate down in front of Dan.

Dan aimed a kick at him, trying to ignore how domestic the situation felt. Phil making him breakfast every morning had become such a normal thing that Dan couldn’t remember what his mornings had been like before. A rushed grab for a slice of toast while Maria dragged him out to work felt like a thing of the distant past.

In fact, Dan’s life before the B&B felt almost like it belonged to a different person. He’d done a lot of growing up here - or been forced to.

Phil grabbed himself a bowl of cereal and settled into his usual space opposite Dan, grinning easily at him. “You’d better eat your bacon, or Alex will be in to steal it.”

Dan blinked. Despite himself, the mention of Alex’s name was like a rush of cold water down the back of his neck. He shook the sensation off, berating himself, and summoned up a half-hearted smile from somewhere.

“Hey,” Phil’s tone was instantly concerned, “What’s up?”

“Nothing, nothing,” Dan insisted. “I’m fine.”

Phil continued to watch him with narrowed eyes, following his movements, so Dan shoved a slice of bacon in his mouth and chewed with ferocity, speaking around the mouthful. “See? Fine.”

Phil bit back a smile. “Is it because of seeing Maria yesterday?”

Dan almost choked. He’d thought they weren’t going to talk about it - that the events of the sushi bar would be filed under ‘things never to be opened up or discussed ever again’. He could have fallen out of his chair at how casually Phil mentioned it.

Or maybe it wasn’t such a big deal for Phil, because he didn’t have a huge crush on Dan and saw the kiss yesterday for what it was - just a kiss.

Dan swallowed, but something in his face must have shown distress, because Phil clucked his tongue sympathetically and patted Dan’s shoulder in a far-too-brotherly way. “I’m sorry. I’d offer to sit and eat ice-cream with you again, but I’ve got to go out.”

“Oh?” Dan tried not to appear too curious, but a day without Phil filled him with fear.

“Yeah. Nothing exciting - we were meant to see a man about our dishwasher ages ago, but he never showed, so I’m going to the company.”

Dan bit back his disappointment, instead shoving another piece of bacon in his mouth. “Oh, right. Phil the adventurer.”

“Reluctant adventurer,” Phil corrected with a sigh. “Alex normally does this kind of thing, but he’s still sneezing, so I didn’t let him get out of bed this morning.”

The bacon turned to ash in Dan’s mouth.

“Anyway, I’m actually going to be late if I don’t get going now.” Phil jumped up to his feet, turning to the door. “I’m sure Alex will be down to clean up later, but - sorry to ask - would you mind just putting the dishes on the side in the kitchen once you’re done?”

“Yeah, sure,” Dan said, because he hated himself. “No problem.”

“Thanks.” Phil flashed him a sudden, bright smile - the one that always felt like a punch in the gut. “I’ll be back later. Try not to think about Maria - honestly, you deserve better.”

Dan tried for a smile. Before he could think up any kind of reply, though, Phil had already disappeared.

Dan put down his fork, all appetite gone. Any illusion he’d been under had completely shattered - Phil wasn’t his, and never would be. Phil cared about Alex. Phil, presumably, loved Alex. And while Dan couldn’t, and wouldn’t, do anything to change that, he decided he  _ was  _ allowed to be sad about it, so he planned to spend the entire Phil-less day moping.

That being said, he still somehow found himself in the kitchen after the other guests had disappeared back upstairs, washing up the dishes in warm soapy water. Because he hated himself. And he still had some sort of strange innate desire to help Phil. Besides, the familiar chore was oddly relaxing - keeping his hands busy stopped Dan’s overactive brain from focusing in too much on things that were out of his control.

Dan almost had a heart attack when the shuffle of footsteps sounded from the door. He jolted, brandishing the sieve he was currently washing up, only to spot the yawning, scruffy form of Alex leaning against the counter.

“Sorry,” Alex mumbled, “Didn’t mean to scare you. Just needed some tablets.”

“Uh, sure --” Dan blinked. “Sorry. I mean, I should be apologising to you - this is  _ your  _ house.”

“It’s yours too, for as long as you’re staying here.” Alex smiled sunnily at him - not quite as bright as Phil’s, but still full of warmth. The two were a pair of sunbeams, seriously. Dan couldn’t quite bring himself to resent Alex - despite everything.

“Still,” Dan mumbled, edging back a bit, “I don’t want to impose.”

Alex assured him that he wasn’t, even as he had to squeeze past Dan to reach the medicine cabinet. “And you don’t have to wash those up, either, I can do it.”

“You’re sick,” Dan protested weakly, “And I’ve been staying ages. I want to do something.”

Alex surveyed him softly, and Dan felt a little odd about being looked at from such soft brown eyes. Alex’s head only came up to Dan’s chin, which didn’t exactly help.

“It’s alright, you know,” Alex answered eventually.

“What is?”

“You staying here.” Alex turned to fetch a glass from the other side of the kitchen. “I’m sure Phil has already told you, but you’re welcome here as long as you need. I’m sure you must be wanting to get back on your feet.”

“Yeah,” Dan replied, voice hollow.

“I mean, offering somewhere to stay for the lost - that’s kind of our thing.” Alex was smiling again. “Well - mostly Phil’s thing. He always dreamed of running a place like this, and you’re his perfect guest.”

Dan’s stomach dropped.

“He’ll love getting you back on your feet. It’s what he does best.” Alex moved over towards the sink, pouring himself some orange juice.

Dan couldn’t help himself. He had to ask. “Are you saying I’m some sort of …  _ project _ … for Phil?”

“No, no.” Alex frowned. “I mean - I suppose you could call it that? He likes helping people, is what I’m trying to say.”

“...Right.”

“I’m sorry, Dan, I didn’t mean to sound hurtful.” Alex gave him an imploring look, and Dan’s heart twisted inside him. This situation was  _ impossible.  _ Alex, apologising to him? After the thoughts Dan had been having about his partner? After Dan had  _ kissed  _ his partner?

Dan actually felt faintly disgusted with himself.

“It’s absolutely fine,” Dan rushed to say, “There’s nothing wrong. And I get it. Phil’s been great, actually, really helping me.”

“Yeah?” Alex brightened right up.

Dan couldn’t resist saying more. “Yeah, yeah, he’s - um - he’s really great, helped me figure out a new career, and everything.”

“That’s so wonderful, Dan.” Alex grinned up at him.

“Yeah, yeah, well--” Dan turned back to washing the sieve, still elbow-deep in soapy water. “Um - I needed a change, anyway, I think. Law never suited me all that much.”

“Oh, you were a lawyer?” Alex perked up, and Dan silently cursed having to continue this conversation.  _ Why  _ did he open this rabbit hole. “I was a clerk, before - well - before I bought this place with Phil.”

“Were you?” Dan couldn’t keep his surprise out of his voice.

Alex laughed. “I know - I don’t much look like one. But yeah. I used to work over at the family courts.”

“...Oh.” Dan bit his tongue. That was the same place where he’d made his fatal mistake and embarrassed Maria in front of everyone.

“Which company did you work for?” Alex asked brightly.

Dan bit his lip. “Oh - uh - Ross.”

“Oh! Maria’s bunch, right? I knew about them.” Alex paused to sneeze. “Never spoke to Maria Ross  _ herself _ , of course. Did you hear she just recently fired her assistant? He made a huge mistake, didn’t get her a file or something, she embarrassed herself in front of the visiting judge. It’s infamous.”

Dan’s stomach dropped.

“Apparently they were dating, too, though obviously she’s stopped that now.” Alex shook his head. “My friend Emma - she still works there - she said he tried to go back but Maria wasn’t having any of it. Can’t blame her, really. She was completely disgraced for a while, it’s taking her ages to build her reputation up again.”

Dan felt physically sick.

“Anyway.” Alex placed his glass on the side and backed away. “I should go back upstairs, Phil will kill me for being up. Are you sure you’re ok doing those dishes? You can leave them, honestly.”

“No, it’s alright.” Dan’s voice sounded slightly strangled. “Might as well finish now I’ve started, right?”

“Well, only if you’re sure. And you can stop whenever you like.” Alex sent him one more sunny smile on his way back out of the door. “I’m glad things are looking up for you, Dan.”

“Thanks,” Dan spoke to the empty room. His stomach felt like a leaden weight inside him. As soon as Alex was out of earshot, Dan dropped the sieve he was washing and leaned his head forward, squeezing his eyes shut. His life was completely crashing around him - that was all he gleaned from Alex’s conversation. And from the sounds of it, he had no way to get back into law.

Not that he even wanted to. Dan should know better than to try and get back into something that had failed him. Phil had already told him that, as well. He’d told Dan that he shouldn’t be doing law. Hell, even  _ Maria  _ told him to go and do something he enjoyed. Dan just didn’t know  _ what _ .

And Phil wasn’t here to help him work it out, and nor would he ever be, not really, because he had Alex, who was far too sweet and nice and happy for Dan to even contemplate getting angry at.

Dan’s eyes squeezed shut so tightly he could feel them burning. He needed to get out of here. This place was toxic in its beauty - he found too much of a comfort in Phil, too much of a place to call home. He couldn’t afford to stay. It would ruin him. Phil would ruin him.

Dan was going to find a way out.

\---

Later that day, Dan curled himself up under his green and blue blankets with a mug of hot chocolate that he’d stolen from Phil’s kitchen (eventually, he’d pay Phil back for everything - well, for what he could, anyway). Open in front of him was the notebook he’d used to scribble down some vague ideas, all bright in Phil’s coloured pens. It almost seemed like a mockery now. Dan the film reviewer - ridiculous, he should never aspire to anything like that.

But writing - that was something he enjoyed. Dan could maybe start thinking about typing up some articles, finding a few places to send them - that was the sort of thing he was good at. Sorting through critical thoughts, getting to the heart of an issue, that was always his favourite part about working in defence law. If he could just apply that, somehow…

Maybe running an advice column?

Dan almost snorted at himself. The idea of him giving life advice to anyone was laughable when he considered the current wreck of his own life - but maybe that would give him a place to start. He could at least try, couldn’t he?

After a moment, Dan reached for his laptop and started googling.

A few hours later, he had a fairly comprehensive list of publications, on the web and in paper copies, that he thought he could write for - a mixture of critical stuff and more advice-giving things. Gathering up his courage, he even emailed a couple of people, giving them his resume and asking if maybe they had any topics he could pitch to them. If he didn’t try, then his life would never move on, and he’d be stuck here living vicariously through other people forever.

With the emails sent, Dan instantly shut down his laptop and all connection to the internet, far too terrified to check for any response. Instead, he stretched himself out on the bed and wasted the time away playing games on his phone, trying to distract himself.

However, as soon as he heard the front door open, Dan couldn’t stop himself from sitting up and craning his neck, trying to listen in. Phil’s cheery voice was answered by Alex’s sniffly one, and the quiet murmur of their conversation echoed up the stairs. Dan couldn’t make out words, but he heard enough to know he didn’t want to go down there. He wasn’t sure how much he could take of their cute, coupley interactions.

Instead, Dan flopped back down onto his bed and had a staring contest with his laptop. With the possibility of moving forward opening up to him, Dan felt like reality was coming back to hit him in the face. He couldn’t live in this bubble of B&B and breakfast and coffee and Phil forever, no matter how much he might want to. Perhaps it was time for Dan to take back some control of the situation.

Reluctantly, Dan sat up and tugged his laptop over towards him. He pulled up his internet browser, still steadfastly refusing to log onto his email - he wasn’t checking until tomorrow whether or not he’d got any responses, seriously, he didn’t think his heart could take any more rejection without at least some sleep. He hovered reluctantly for a long minute before typing in a google search.

_ Single flats in London _

It was time Dan seriously started to get his life together. That meant removing himself from here, and from Phil - as much as the thought wrenched his heart. Maybe they could still be friends - Dan hoped they could still be friends. But living on top of Phil and his happy-go-lucky boyfriend was too much for Dan’s heart. He felt fragile here - that was no way to go on.

Dan tried not to think about waking up to an empty house. He’d never lived alone before - straight out of uni, he moved in with Maria, with only a space of few months in-between where he stayed with an uncle. But he was 24. It was time to grow up.

Dan bit down on his inner cheek savagely as he ripped out a fresh page of his notebook and started scribbling addresses. He’d book himself a few visits, after doing some budget checking. His savings should cover him for a few months, until he found a source of steady income.

Dan was going to move on, even if it killed him.

\---

The next few weeks were full of ups and downs. Ups, because Dan got replies from some of the people he’d emailed - not all of them, and most of them were saying they weren’t taking anyone new just then, but one said they’d be interested to see what he could come up with. They were a critical website that mostly reviewed films, so Dan quickly set about typing up a review to one of the films he’d seen most recently - a strange horror about a doll coming to life. The story hadn’t been that original, but the effects were great. The writing led him to need to research, though, and he found himself learning more about editing and post-production in film, and finding he had a bit of an interest in it.

So then he’d looked up courses in editing, and found a masters running at the university not ten minutes away, and got started on an application. Which got accepted. And just like that, Dan had a path in life again.

Phil was another one of the ups. He’d cheered for Dan as soon as he found out about the course, and got really excited about the reviewing and demanded to read what Dan had typed up so far. Dan had flat-out refused at first, but after weeks of Phil throwing bedsheets at him and holding back bacon, Dan eventually succumbed and let him read the first few paragraphs he had drafted.

“This is  _ really  _ good.” Phil’s eyes were bright as he read through the page. “Seriously.”

Dan scrubbed at the back of his head. “Thanks.”

“It’s amazing what you can do when you actually string sentences together properly.”

Dan whacked Phil around the back of the head, delighting in his yelp. “I’ll have you know I am the most eloquent of people.”

“Right, sure.” Phil rubbed at his head, sending Dan a betrayed look. “That’s why you couldn’t remember the word for carpet cleaner earlier, so you just said the  _ squidgy spray cleaning thing _ .”

“Did you or did you not understand what I meant?” Dan sniffed.

“Only because I’ve learned to speak your language over these months,” Phil muttered, dodging another whack. He turned back to the page with a small grin. “Really though, Dan, this is really good. You even get the technical facts right.”

Dan blinked. “How do you know?”

“I used to work in graphic design.” Phil flipped the page, skimming back through the other paragraphs.

Dan stared at him. “You did?”

“Yeah, before Alex found this place. He was a clerk, and I worked in graphic design.”

Dan blinked again, a little thrown. How could he still be learning new things about Phil, after he considered them to be close friends? It was like there were all these different facets to Phil that Dan wasn’t allowed to get at, no matter how much he dug his fingers in.

He thought he’d be quite happy to keep learning these things about Phil for the rest of his life.

But no, because  _ not mine _ . Dan had to remember that.  _ Not mine. _

“So how did you two ever meet, then?” Dan asked to distract his dangerously drifting thoughts. “I mean, you clearly didn’t work together. Unless you’ve ended up in court and didn’t tell me.”

Phil let out a short laugh. “No, nothing like that. I ran into him - literally.”

Dan tilted his head, lips twitching. “Well, now I  _ have _ to hear this story.”

Phil bit back a smile. “Well, you know by now that I’m the clumsiest human in existence--”

“ _ Literally,  _ you ran into a cabinet, fell over, and punched yourself in the eye just yesterday.”

“--Thank you Daniel, so, I was in a rush - late for a meeting, actually. I was running down the street without really paying attention and before I knew it there was a crash.”

Dan winced. “I hope you didn’t kill anyone.”

“Do I look like a murderer to you?” Phil huffed. “No. I just ran into this little cute guy, and accidentally made him drop his important files all over the street. Unprotected. Into a puddle.”

Dan pinched the bridge of his nose. “Oh, Phil.”

“Yeah. I know.” Phil looked a little rueful. “I apologised, of course. And helped him pick them all back up,  _ and  _ walked him to his office. And then he asked for my number, so, you know, it can’t have been all bad.”

Dan carefully kept his smile in place, refusing to let it slip at the reminder of just how perfect Phil and Alex were for each other. “Amazing. I’d have kicked you to the curb, personally.”

“Harsh.” Phil shook his head. “I probably would have tried harder, with you.”

Dan’s heart stopped.

“I mean, I think you’d be harder to please.” Phil was giving Dan a long considering look - the kind that was truly unfair to Dan’s mess of emotions.

“Oh yeah?” Dan challenged, not one to back away. “What would you have done, then?”

Phil’s lips twitched, and he took a step closer, the atmosphere in the silent kitchen growing tense. “I’d at  _ least  _ have bought you coffee. Maybe even thrown a muffin into the mix.”

_ Not mine, not mine, not mine,  _ Dan chanted to himself, even as he smirked. “Ah, shame. I was expecting something really extravagant.”

“I’ll show you extravagant,” Phil muttered, shaking his head. 

“Please do,” Dan mumbled before he could stop himself.

That, apparently, was enough to bring Phil up short. He stared up at Dan, still a step too close, and Dan was suddenly all too aware of the emptiness of the kitchen aside from the gleaming pile of dishes they’d just finished washing. The moment stretched, impossible, and Dan dared himself to hope, just a little. Even though he knew it was fruitless. Even though he’d just hurt more in the end.

But then Phil was taking a step closer, and Dan’s heart was in his mouth. He felt frozen in place, deer-in-the-headlights, unable to do anything but stand there as Phil crowded right into his space. Only he must have been moving back, because suddenly the counter was behind him and Dan was trapped with nowhere to go. And Phil was  _ still coming closer. _

Phil’s blue eyes sparkled at him. Dan had seen that look once before, in the sushi bar just before Phil leaned in and kissed him in what was still the most electric moment of Dan’s life. Dan drew in a shuddery breath, embarrassed at the way it stuttered through the kitchen. Phil’s lips gave an answering twitch.

He stepped closer still, until there was only a slither of space separating him and Dan. The hairs on Dan’s arms were rising, a shiver ran up his spine and down his neck, and Phil was hovering  _ so close _ . The tension only heightened when he lifted a hand, and Dan’s heart flipped over in his chest.

Phil’s fingers came up to adjust Dan’s fringe, gently brushing it out of his eyes. Dan was fixated on him, unable to look away, his heart thudding louder and louder, the blood rushing through his veins. His entire world was Phil just then - Phil, who was close enough that Dan could count the freckles scattered over the bridge of his nose.

Phil opened his mouth, eyes soft, but just then the snap of the door further down the hallway sounded and Alex’s cheery voice called, “Hello! Phil?”

Phil tore his eyes away from Dan, and Dan felt it like a physical wrench in his chest. He watched as Phil shoved the paper back towards Dan, then turned and left the kitchen, going to meet Alex in the hallway. Dan felt his heart break for about the hundredth time. No matter how much he enjoyed his time with Phil, there always came this moment - when Phil walked away from him, towards Alex.

Dan couldn’t take it. He had to find somewhere else.

The list of flat viewings in his notebook had grown somewhat, as Dan started to get more serious about finding somewhere to live. He had an appointment booked to go and see the first one the day after tomorrow, although thinking about it still made his heart wrench. So, Dan tried not to think about it too much. That was easier said than done, though, when every time he saw Phil he was torn by the desire to move towards him, so the world shrank until it was just the two of them.

Dan gave his head a shake. He had to get out, before he did something he was going to regret.

\---

Two days later, Dan was on his way back to the B&B after his first flat viewing. He was feeling a bit dejected. The flat had been pretty far out from the centre of London, not his ideal location when he was going to be starting at university again, and although it was right at the top of his price range it was barely bigger than a single room. Dan was starting to remember just how little money could buy in the centre of London. Being back on a student budget again was not going to be fun.

His heart was heavy as he unlocked the door to Phil’s B&B - Phil had gifted him with a set of keys after Dan had been there for two weeks and showed no signs of leaving. At first, Dan had spluttered and said he couldn’t take them, but Phil insisted, eventually saying it would be easier for Dan to just have his own set rather than make Phil get up to open the door every time he wanted to come or go. Dan had reluctantly agreed, eventually, much to Phil’s delight. 

Phil was out currently, gone to buy bacon and breakfast supplies, so Dan was expecting quiet. The new guests didn’t start arriving until the afternoon.

Dan had picked up some lunch on the way back, carrying it in a bag as he shut the door behind him and locked up again. He was about to start climbing the stairs when a small noise sounded from the otherwise silent B&B.

Dan jumped. He paused with his hand on the bannister, glancing towards the living room, listening intently until he heard another sound - like a little whisper.

Dan froze, his heart leaping into his mouth. If someone was breaking in, he should definitely go and stop them, but fear gripped him hard. He considered darting back out of the front door and calling the police, but he had to make sure it actually  _ was  _ a break-in before doing anything so drastic. So Dan gathered up his courage and dropped back down off the stairs, walking hesitantly towards the door.

It was open a crack, so Dan pushed it a little bit further, and promptly dropped his bag of lunch.

There were two people on the sofa - curled up so tight it was hard to tell where one started and the other one ended. Both male, one with dark hair and dark eyes who looked vaguely familiar, though Dan couldn’t quite place where from. The other, however, had achingly familiar light brown hair.

Alex.

Alex,  _ Phil’s  _ Alex, curled up on the sofa kissing another man.

Dan’s brain short-circuited, and he couldn’t help but emit a short, startled gasp. The two on the couch jumped apart instantly, Alex scrambling to straighten his shirt as he turned frightened eyes to the doorway. He paled considerably. “Dan!”

Dan’s mouth was open. He stared from Alex, to the other man on the sofa, back to Alex, trying to find words for the imminent confusion and slowly sprouting  _ anger  _ growing in his chest.

“Dan, wait--” Alex jumped to his feet, walking forward urgently, “Stop, let me explain--”

“Explain what?” Dan finally managed, his voice sounding squeaky, “Aren’t you - aren’t you with Phil?”

Alex winced.

The other man was quietly fixing his hair, standing slowly from the sofa and walking up next to Alex. Alex didn’t pay him any attention, though, his eyes fixed pleadingly on Dan. “Please, shut the door, let me just--”

Dan held a hand up, shaking his head fiercely. “Just what? I - are you  _ cheating _ ?”

“It’s not like that,” Alex said desperately, but the man at his side flinched. Alex turned to him instead, breathing heavily. “Well, no, obviously it is - I didn’t mean that, Jonathan--”

“No?” The other man arched a brow, and Dan suddenly pieced together why he looked so familiar.

“Wait - wait - you, you were at the bank the other day.”

Alex went quiet. Jonathan flinched, finally looking at Dan, and yes, that was the same man who had sneered so angrily at Phil when Dan came with him to the bank.

Alex blinked. “Jonathan?”

Jonathan’s jaw clicked. “I don’t remember.”

“Yes you do!” Everything was starting to fall into place for Dan. “You locked Phil out of his account deliberately, didn’t you?”

Jonathan’s eyes hardened.

Alex turned to Jonathan with a shocked look. “You  _ what _ ?”

“It was nothing,” Jonathan said quietly, “A misunderstanding.”

Alex looked at him uncertainly, but Jonathan gripped his arm, apparently trying to be reassuring. Dan tuned out then, because Dan didn’t care about Jonathan. Dan cared about Alex, because Alex had Phil, and if Alex had Phil then why on  _ earth  _ would he be sitting on the sofa kissing Jonathan?

“How long?” Dan asked suddenly, still in disbelief.

Alex was staring up at him with panic in his expression. “Dan--”

“How long have you been cheating on Phil?”

Alex winced again, visibly paling. He swallowed several times. “I told you, it isn’t like that…”

“No?” Dan glared, the anger slowly building until his chest felt too tight. “What the hell is it like, then?”

“Dan, I’m sorry, but it’s really nothing to do with you.”

“Of course it has something to do with me!”

“Why?” Alex flared, drawing in a breath. “You’re a guest, my - my private life has nothing to do with you.”

Dan felt that like a slap in the face. He was nothing more than a guest here, yes, but he’d been  _ trying _ , dammit, and Phil was his  _ friend  _ no matter what other forbidden feelings Dan might harbour for him. Dan was Phil’s friend, and Phil was living under the happy assumption that he and Alex were happily in love, when clearly that wasn’t true.

Dan felt a little faint.

He faced Alex, drawing himself up. “Phil is my friend. Are you cheating on him? On  _ Phil _ ?”

Alex flinched at the pain and shock evident in Dan’s tone. He swallowed, looked around helplessly at Jonathan, who only raised his brows. The silence in the room was overpowering.

Eventually, Alex buried his face in his hands, trembling. “You can’t tell him, Dan. Please, please, don’t tell him.”

“What?” Dan stared at him, more shocked than ever. “You want me to keep it a  _ secret _ ?”

“Dan--”

“You’re cheating!” 

“I  _ know _ !” Alex hissed, and then looked shocked at saying it out loud. He lowered his hands, slowly, but avoided Dan’s eyes, still visibly trembling. “I know, I know what it looks like, I just - Dan, please--”

“Phil is my  _ friend _ ,” Dan reiterated, “I can’t - I can’t not tell him.”

“No, no, please!” Alex did look at Dan then, desperation written all over his face. “Not yet, not yet, we’re going to tell him, just not yet.”

Dan’s eyes narrowed. “Why? What are you planning?”

“Nothing!” Alex was shaking, hard, his voice breaking.

Dan shook his head, eyes narrowing. “Tell me, Alex, or I swear to fucking hell I’ll call him right now and get him back here to catch you himself.”

Alex flinched. He drew in a shaky breath, crumpling in on himself, looking weaker than Dan had ever seen him. “I didn’t plan this,” he started brokenly. “I didn’t - I met Jonathan four months ago, and--”

“Four  _ months _ ?!” Dan’s voice squeaked.

Alex flinched. He hid his face in his hands again. “I know - I know, I  _ know  _ what it sounds like--”

“Do you?” Dan snarled. “Because it doesn’t seem like you  _ care  _ very much. What else are you planning?”

Alex floundered, looking up with a desperate expression.

Dan narrowed his eyes and reached threateningly for his phone.

“Alright, alright,” Alex gasped breathlessly. “I just - I - we’ve been planning when would be best to tell him. I didn’t - I didn’t want to rush it, have to give him time to find somewhere to live--”

“Wait, wait.” Dan held up a hand, paling. “You’re going to kick him out?”

Alex bit his lip.

“This is his home,” Dan growled. “His  _ business _ . He started this, you can’t take it from him!”

Alex was properly crying now, fat tears rolling down his cheek. He drew in a shuddering breath. “I have to.”

Jonathan moved right up beside Alex then, gripping his arm in support and leaning against him. Dan watched the familiarity with which they held each other in growing despair and anger. Alex was leaning into Jonathan’s touch, hiding his face in his neck, shaking, and Jonathan wrapped a hand around his shoulders and brought him in close for a hug.

Dan’s stomach churned.

Jonathan turned on Dan, then, eyes flashing. “I think you’d better leave.”

“ _ Me _ ?!” Dan all but snarled. “You’re the one not welcome here.”

“I don’t think any of this concerns you,” Jonathan snapped.

“Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? But Phil is my  _ friend _ , and I’m not just going to stand by while you ruin his life!”

“You seem a bit invested.” Jonathan’s tone turned silky. “Are you sure you’re  _ just _ his friend?”

Dan stopped short, his heart sinking.

Alex roused a little at that, blinking fast as he turned to Dan again, looking bemused. Jonathan turned to him, talking urgently now. “At the bank, too, he was so protective, and he had a hand on Phil’s arm the whole time - I did wonder--”

“Wonder what?” Alex’s voice was growing a little hysterical. “What are they doing?”

“Nothing!” Dan managed to grate, his voice trembling with the knowledge that that was exactly true. Nothing was ever going to happen between him and Phil, because Phil was in love with Alex, and Dan wasn’t a homewrecker. Only now that was all being thrown into question, because apparently Alex  _ was _ .

But Phil still loved Alex. And Phil needed to know.

Jonathan was still glaring at Dan, eyes flashing. “I thought you sounded jealous of Alex.”

Dan recoiled as if he’d been slapped. That was too close to the truth, but Alex had always been so sweet and caring, seemingly - Dan was having trouble reconciling that image with the same Alex currently curled up in the arms of someone who wasn’t Phil.

Alex was now staring at Dan with wide eyes. “Is it - is it true?”

Dan trembled. Every fibre of his being wanted to say  _ yes, Phil has me, he’s been with me, I deserve him more than you ever could, you cheating rat. _

But he couldn’t. Because Phil was good-hearted, and would never do something like that.

“No,” Dan managed to force out. “No, nothing - nothing like that. Not with me. Not him.”

Alex’s face softened.

Jonathan was soon stepping in and ruining everything again. His gaze was calculating as he eyed Dan closely. “You wanted it to, though, didn’t you?”

Dan was really starting to dislike him.

“No,” Dan lied through his teeth, staring Jonathan down.

“I think you’re lying.”

“That’s rich, coming from a cheating snake like you,” Dan hissed.

Jonathan barely even flinched. His eyes narrowed. “So you’re saying you and Phil have never kissed?”

Dan’s face dropped.

“Or  _ more _ than that?” Jonathan’s tone was shrewd now, and Alex was staring between them with wide eyes. 

Dan shuddered. His head was spinning, unable to properly defend this attack when it was so unexpected. The walls he’d built up around his feelings were slowly starting to crumble, and Dan was left vulnerable and terrified that all his secrets were going to be uncovered.

He couldn’t allow that to happen.

“Nothing is going on with me and Phil,” he grated out finally, “Which is more than I can say for you two.”

Alex at least had the gall to look guilty.

“When are you going to tell Phil?” Dan demanded. “Does he know you’re ripping his whole life apart?”

Alex trembled. He still looked unconvinced, but he was curled up close to Jonathan and staring at Dan with panic in his expression. “I don’t - I don’t have to tell you.”

“No, you don’t, but you have to tell  _ Phil _ ,” Dan drew in a sharp breath. “Does he have any idea?”

Alex looked down guiltily, giving his head a quick shake.

Dan’s heart stuttered. The idea of this happening to Phil - his golden-hearted friend who’d taken Dan in out of the kindness of his heart, who was the last person who deserved this kind of treatment - was unthinkable.

“I’ll tell him eventually,” Alex said brokenly into the silence. “I always knew I’d have to. We just need to get a few more things in place…”

“Things like what?” Dan pressed.

Alex flinched, but his expression set. “The contract is still being looked over, I need to make sure everything is watertight before I start running this place alone.”

Cold fingers wrapped around Dan’s heart.

“I’ll give him enough warning,” Alex tried again, looking beseechingly up at Dan. “He’ll have time - time to find somewhere else--”

“But he doesn’t  _ want _ somewhere else,” Dan interrupted. “He wants  _ here _ .”

Alex bit his lip.

“Tell me exactly what you’re planning, right now,” Dan insisted in a dangerously low voice, “Or I  _ will _ call him and get him here myself and you can tell him instead.”

Alex paled considerably. “Alright, alright,” he let out a breath, shifting constantly on his feet and all but squirming under Dan’s stern gaze. “Things haven’t been great with him for a while, and I...I met Jonathan, and…” he turned a beseeching gaze onto Jonathan, who gripped his hand and stepped in smoothly to continue the explanation.

“Alex has been struggling with the finances for this place for months,” Jonathan explained, his tone snide. “It’s more than evident that  _ Phil _ doesn’t know anything about running a business. He’s lucky they haven’t sunk into the ground already.”

Dan’s fists were so tight that his nails were biting marks into his palms.

“I didn’t want to kick him out,” Alex added softly, “But we have no choice. If we’re going to save this place at all, we need him gone.”

“Oh really?” Dan was so angry that he was physically trembling. “Because to me it sounds more like you want rid of him so you can set up shop with your new toy.”

There was a sharp intake of breath.

“Phil loves this place,” Dan continued faintly. “He  _ loves _ it. He told me it was his dream to start this, not yours.”

Alex closed his eyes. “Yeah. I didn’t even want it. It just made him so happy--”

“So why are you taking it from him?” Dan’s voice was squeaking; in any other moment, he’d have been mortified.

“This is my  _ home _ , for better or worse,” Alex defended fiercely. “I built this place up. Without me, it would have gone under  _ months _ ago.”

Dan gaped. “But you don’t even  _ want _ it.”

“You know nothing about what I want,” Alex disagreed, and his eyes were hardening up again. “You don’t know anything about me, actually.”

Dan shook his head. “Maybe I don’t, but I know Phil deserves better than this.”

Alex had no answer to that.

“I’m going to tell him,” Dan said quietly, ignoring Alex’s strangled sound. “He needs to know.”

“Dan, no, wait, please!” Alex darted out of Jonathan’s arms, but Dan was already turning towards the door. Alex scrambled after him, grabbing hold of his sleeve and tugging. “No, wait--”

Dan ripped out of his grip and stalked out into the hallway, striding towards the front door. His phone was already in his hand, opening up his conversation with Phil.

“Wait!” Alex called, “Please! You’ll break his heart!”

Dan spun around to face him, anger creasing his forehead. “No, Alex.  _ You’ll  _ break his heart.” With that, Dan strode out of the door and slammed it shut behind him, leaving Alex staring wide-eyed after him.

\---

[Text conversation with Phil Lester]

**Dan:** Where are you??

**Dan:** Pls answer as soon as you get this

**Dan:** I’m sorry to disturb you but I rlly need to talk to you

**Dan:** It’s urgent

**Dan:** Just tell me where you are as soon as you can

**Phil** : ?? I’m just leaving the shops, what’s going on?

**Dan:** DO NOT GO HOME

**Dan:** Let me come and meet you

**Phil:** I’m already on the bus Dan what’s going on?

**Dan:** Alright

**Dan:** Ok

**Dan:** When you get home don’t go in the living room. Go straight up the stairs to my room, I’ll meet you there, ok?

**Phil:** Ok but what’s happening?? Kinda confused here

**Dan:** I’ll explain later

**Phil:** Alright, I’m almost there (bought a new houseplant you have to see her)

**Phil:** (And before you say I have a problem she was abandoned at the back of a shelf and was in desperate need of rescuing)

Dan’s grip around his phone tightened until he was worried he’d actually snap it. In his desperation to find Phil, Dan had made it almost all the way to the centre of town on foot before Phil finally answered his texts, which meant he had a long walk back. Phil would beat him by miles. All Dan could hope for was that Alex and Jonathan had had the good sense to get out of there, and so the B&B would be empty by the time Phil got back.

Dan’s mind was still reeling from what he’d seen earlier. Alex, with someone else.  _ Alex,  _ cheating on  _ Phil _ . Why would that have happened? How could Alex do that? Alex got to be with Phil, why on earth would he throw all that away for someone else?

Maybe Phil and Alex were having problems that Dan just didn’t know about. He found that hard to believe, though. Phil had always talked about Alex with warmth and a smile, and Dan had never even questioned the strength of their relationship before.

Apart from the bit where Phil kissed him.

Dan shook his head. He knew that Phil had done that for his sake - to make Maria jealous. Even if it wasn’t specifically required. And sometimes, Dan had let himself dream that maybe Phil might be feeling some modicum of what Dan felt for him - sometimes when their eyes met for too long, or if Phil teased him about something stupid, or got too close when they were cleaning the rooms together. Phil had become such a fixture in Dan’s life, and yet always remained so unattainable, that Dan was having difficulty trying to understand exactly how he should be feeling about Alex.

The most obvious answer was anger. He hurt on Phil’s behalf, was  _ furious  _ in fact. Phil was the last person in the entire world who deserved this.

Dan made it back to the B&B, panting, and edged his way carefully through the door.

Thankfully, the living room was in darkness, and the place was silent. Alex and Jonathan must have had enough collective sense between them to have gone someplace else, then, which left the main problem: Phil.

Dan climbed the stairs with his stomach sinking, knowing he was about to break Phil’s heart.

He couldn’t  _ not _ tell him, though. He couldn’t leave Phil to think he had a happy relationship when Dan knew for a fact that Alex was cheating. It would hurt Phil, and that was the last thing Dan wanted, but this was  _ Alex’s  _ fault. He was the one doing this. Alex would be hurting Phil, not Dan. Not really.

Dan wished he could make himself believe that.

When he entered his bedroom, Dan found Phil already standing over Dan’s desk, frowning a little. Dan’s notebook was open on the desk in front of him, propped up by his laptop which was still on standby. Phil himself turned as soon as Dan shut the door behind him, a smile on his face despite the confused look in his eyes. “Hey! What took you so long?”

“Had to run from town,” Dan panted.

Phil’s eyes narrowed. “Run? You? Now I’m really worried.”

The expression on Dan’s face must have been quite something, because all joking drained out of Phil’s tone and he stepped closer, gripping Dan’s arm with a crease appearing in his brow. Dan couldn’t stop himself from leaning closer. He knew more than anything that he shouldn’t be doing this, but the knowledge of how much he was going to hurt Phil was weighing heavily in his heart, and Dan wasn’t so sure he could actually survive this conversation.

His mood seemed to get through to Phil, as he gripped Dan’s shoulder tighter and pulled him in for a rough hug, murmuring, “What’s wrong? Has something happened?”

“Yeah,” Dan croaked. He hid his face in Phil’s shoulder, taking the coward’s route, just for a moment. It was so easy to close his eyes and lose himself in Phil’s embrace, to forget what he’d seen earlier. He just wanted Phil to be happy - why was that proving to be so hard?

Then Phil was moving back, and Dan wanted to whine. He didn’t, because he was a responsible adult, but he seriously  _ wanted  _ to. As it was, Phil was meeting his eyes with a clearly worried frown, and he still hadn’t let go of Dan’s arm. “What is it? Are you ok?”

“ _ I’m _ fine,” Dan promised, even though his voice broke as he said it. When Phil’s eyes narrowed, he held up a hand, shaking his head. “I am. I promise. I’m just - shocked.”

“Shocked?” Phil’s tone was low but thrumming with emotion. “Why?”

Dan’s throat closed up. He looked into Phil’s eyes, his heart shrivelling at the knowledge that he’d have to hurt him. He wasn’t sure he could actually do it.

But then Phil was gripping tighter to his arm and saying, “It’s ok. You don’t have to go.”

“I - what?” Dan blinked.

“You don’t have to go.  _ I  _ don’t want you to go.” Phil’s voice was rough, his nails actually digging into Dan’s arm a bit.

Dan opened his mouth, then snapped it shut again. “Um. I wasn’t going?”

“I mean, it, I--” Phil stopped, then, looking marginally taken aback. “Oh. You’re not?”

Dan shook his head, dumbfounded.

“Oh.” Phil wasn’t blinking, which was a little bit unsettling. His eyes were darting back and forth over Dan’s face.

“Did…” Dan was three times more confused than he had been upon entering his room. “Um. Did you think I was leaving?”

“No!” Phil rushed to say. “No, no, not at all. I just. Um.” He waved a hand at Dan’s desk, where his notebook was still sitting open.

Dan followed the gesture with a confused little crease sitting in his brow. His heart still trembled in his chest, pulse fluttering, but Phil had thrown him for a loop. Again.

“Anyway.” Phil seemed to become aware of how much he was staring at Dan, because he looked away quickly and gave a small cough. “Um. What got you rushing back here so quickly?”

Just like that, Dan’s stomach sank again and his chest constricted. He drew in a long, calming breath, trying his best to stop his fingers shaking as he tried to figure out the best way to say this. “Ah. Well. Actually, that isn’t about me.”

“Oh?”

“No, it’s - it’s about you.” Dan swallowed.

Phil turned back to him again, eyes sharp and intrigued. “About me?”

Dan nodded, his throat closing up again.

“Oh. Ok, then.” Phil tilted his head, his eyes softening as he studied Dan’s expression. “Well. Hit me?”

Dan winced. The more he tried to speak, the more his throat was closing up, until he had Phil stepping towards him again with a worried look in his eyes. “Dan? What is it?”

Dan swallowed. He closed his eyes, knowing he was going to have to just get this out now, while he could, before he completely gave in and allowed Phil to live on in blissful ignorance. That couldn’t be better. Surely, it couldn’t be better. Phil deserved to know the truth.

“Dan?” Phil’s voice was suddenly much closer. “Really, what is it? You’re worrying me.”

Dan licked his lips. “Alex,” he said, voice barely more than a whisper.

“Alex?” Dan could hear the surprise in Phil’s tone. “What about him?”

“I’m so sorry, Phil.” Dan drew in a shaky breath, opening his eyes again to meet Phil’s gaze. “So, so fucking sorry.”

Phil stared at him helplessly, eyes wide and confused.

Dan swallowed, licked his lips, and dropped the bombshell. “He’s cheating.”

Phil didn’t react for a moment. He just stood there, staring at Dan, and answered helplessly, “He’s what?”

“Cheating. I saw him.” Dan didn’t know what to do with himself. He lifted a hand, paused, and lowered it again, eyes never once leaving Phil’s face. “I’m sorry.”

Phil shook his head. “You saw him? He’s what? Alex is  _ what _ ?”

“I’m so sorry, Phil,” Dan repeated in a whisper. “With Jonathan. I came home earlier, and there was a noise in the living room - I thought maybe a break-in, but I saw them. Together.”

Phil just stared at him.

Dan stared back, trying desperately to read Phil’s expression. He had expected anger, or hurt, or frustration, or tears even, but not this -- silence. Phil was just standing there, gaping at Dan, looking as if he’d just been run over by a bus.

“I don’t,” he said eventually, still just staring at Dan, “I don’t understand. Alex?  _ My  _ Alex.”

Mouth dry, Dan nodded.

Phil moved, finally. He took a step back, and Dan felt the irrepressible urge to follow him, to chase him and hold him tight and offer whatever comfort and help he could.

But Phil was shaking his head, determined. “No, you must - you must be mistaken.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered again. “I know it must be hard--”

“Hard?” Phil gave a harsh laugh, making Dan wince. “It isn’t  _ hard _ , Dan, it’s impossible. What’s wrong with you?”

Dan flinched at the hard question. “I’m just telling you what I saw--”

“You can’t be, you hear?” Phil’s face closed off, suddenly, and Dan didn’t have a clue what was going on under that mask. “I don’t know what you’re doing, but that can’t be right.”

“Phil, I know what I saw.”

“And I’m expected to just believe you?” Phil’s hands were curling into fists by his sides. “Who the hell is Jonathan, anyway?”

Dan let out a slow breath. “From the bank. The prick who wouldn’t let you into the account until you called for Alex? Remember him?”

“That’s absurd.”

“It was him. Kissing Alex, in your living room.”

Phil flinched. Dan instantly felt bad, wanting to reach out and take back the words, but Phil was moving further and further back from Dan, expression hardening with every passing second.

“You have to be lying,” he said eventually.

Dan raised a helpless hand. “I wish I was. Truly.”

“No, Dan, this is  _ sick _ .” Phil’s voice was hard, harder than Dan had ever heard it before.

Dan froze. His eyes narrowed. “I’m not the one cheating, Phil.”

“Aren’t you?”

Dan was completely taken aback by that question. “Excuse me?”

“You’re always here,” Phil argued, eyes wide and breathing heavy. “You said you’d stay,”

Dan was nonplussed. “...Yeah?”

“I thought you weren’t going to leave,” Phil growled, “And now you go and say  _ this _ .”

“You lost me,” Dan admitted.

Phil started pacing. Dan watched him closely, but it was like watching a wild animal pacing in a cage. He looked too big for the space, suddenly, and he kept wringing his hands in front of him like he wasn’t quite sure what to do with them.

“Your notebook,” Phil eventually snapped.

Dan blinked. His notebook? He had no idea how this related to Alex, or Jonathan, or anything, but if Phil wanted to talk about it then Dan was more than happy to comply. “What about my notebook?”

“You had flats written in it,” Phil said quietly. 

Dan was still flummoxed.

“And a viewing.” Phil’s tone was quite broken. “You had a viewing written in for today.”

“...Yeah?” Dan quirked a brow. “I went there earlier. It was when I came back that I saw … um … that I saw Alex and Jonathan, actually.”

Phil didn’t answer, but his mouth set in a hard line. Dan watched him pace around the room a little more, confusion still the prevailing emotion in his mind.

Finally, Phil gruffly said, “I thought you were going to stay.”

“Um.” Dan tilted his head, watching Phil. “Is that really what you want to talk about right now?”

“As opposed to what, Dan?” Phil suddenly flared, and Dan could see him falling apart, could see it in the depths of his unblinking eyes. “Some nonsense you say you saw?”

“It isn’t nonsense,” Dan answered quietly.

“I don’t know why you would do this.” Phil was staring straight at him, and his expression was  _ hurt _ . Dan hated seeing him like that, hated the unhappy frown pulling Phil’s mouth down, the deep crease in the centre of his forehead. “I thought you liked it here. We had a deal, Dan!”

Dan gaped. “Why are you even so desperate for me to stay? I’ve basically been freeloading this whole time.”

“You haven’t.”

“Haven’t I?” challenged Dan. “Really? I’ve been eating your food and sleeping in your room and I still haven’t given you a penny--”

Phil looked pained. “You don’t have to--”

“Look, Phil,” Dan spat, “I don’t care what kind of  _ project  _ you think I am - Alex told me I’m your favourite kind of customer, someone you can fix - but I won’t take advantage of you.”

“That’s not what you are,” Phil disagreed.

“No?” Dan looked him right in the eye. “Do enlighten me. What, exactly, am I?”

Phil opened his mouth, but no words came out. He stood there, staring at Dan, looking more than a little broken and helpless. Dan was hit with the urge to step forward and wrap him up in a hug, to hold him and protect him from all the harsh hurt in the world, but he couldn’t let this continue. Because Dan had a hopeless crush, and he had to stop pretending there was any way Phil would return it.

Until Phil did speak.

“You’re more than that,” Phil mumbled, still locked in eye contact with Dan. “Alex shouldn’t have said that to you.”

Dan stared at him, refusing to back down.

Phil shuffled on his feet, still not blinking, still not looking away. The tension was almost unbearable when he said, “You’ve always been more, Dan.”

Dan swallowed, hard.

This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t let himself think this was a possibility, because it  _ wasn’t _ , couldn’t be. Phil mustn’t realise what he was saying to Dan, what impossible hope he was giving.

The spell broke when Phil continued speaking.

“What I don’t understand,” he murmured, “Is why you’d make up something so malicious against Alex. I mean,  _ cheating _ ? Really?”

Dan’s heart tore. He glared at Phil. “You really think I’m so petty that I’d make up something like that?”

“That’s the only explanation I can see.”

“You’re  _ wrong _ , Phil.” Dan let out a harsh laugh, curling his hands into tight, tense fists. “You’re wrong. I saw it.”

Phil’s face screwed up, his eyes wrinkling and his mouth twisting down. Dan never wanted to see him looking like that again - so sad and broken, as if the world was crumbling down around him.

But Dan had to make him see sense.

“Four months,” Dan said quietly. “That’s what Alex told me. He’s been seeing Jonathan for four months. Phil, they want to take the B&B off you.”

Phil flinched back. He shook his head. “No. No, you’re wrong.”

“I’m sorry, Phil--”

“You’re  _ wrong _ , Dan.” Phil was stubborn, and sad, and harsh, and it was breaking Dan’s heart.

Dan shook his head, eyes damp. “I’m not. And I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I saw it.”

“No,” Phil murmured, but his tone had softened somewhat, and he took a step towards Dan with something unreadable in his eyes. “No, you don’t - you don’t have to say that.”

Dan blinked, dumbfounded.

“You don’t - I --” Phil stopped, huffed, and tried again. “I know - this, this  _ thing _ between us…”

Dan thought he was going to pass out when Phil stopped talking. He said, faintly, “What thing?”

Phil looked pained. “Don’t pretend you haven’t felt it too.”

Dan’s heart skipped.

“But, Dan--” Phil was reaching for him again, “You don’t - you don’t have to make something like this up. I can’t - I’m with Alex. I  _ can’t _ .”

Dan could feel his heart tearing. There was a wetness on his cheek and a burning in his throat and he  _ hurt,  _ his chest hurt and his brain hurt and he couldn’t process any of this. He wanted to hide, to disappear, and slowly, the hurt was replaced with a slow, burning anger that dragged through Dan's brain and soul until he was afire with it, eyes blazing at Phil.

“If you really think I could make this up,” Dan hissed, “Then you don't know me at all.”

Phil’s lips thinned into a stern line. “Maybe I don't. I didn't think - I didn't think you could  _ leave _ , but you've been planning this all this time too - and if you think that somehow telling me Alex is cheating is going to make me choose you--”

Dan rocketed back, heart tearing again. He was wounded and broken and Phil was just glaring at him with nothing close to sympathy in his eyes.

“I wouldn't sink that low,” Dan spat.

“No?” Phil's voice was rising to match Dan’s, contained in the trembling walls of their crumbling friendship. “Really? What else have you been doing all these months, staring at me with those eyes, always getting in my space--”

“ _ You  _ were the one that kissed  _ me _ !” Dan squeaked, because really, this was too much and he felt like all his hard-kept secrets were being revealed.

Phil, it seemed, had no immediate answer to that. His mouth gaped, opened, closed, until he just stood there staring helplessly at Dan.

“Exactly,” Dan hissed, breathing heavily. “You never did give me a good reason why. I didn't push, because you  _ already had a partner  _ and I am not and never will be that guy. But you? You think I’d make up something to hurt you just to - what - to get in your pants?”

Phil’s eyes had hardened into agates. “You can hardly say you had no part in this.”

Dan floundered.

“You  _ want me,  _ don't you?” Phil hissed, and suddenly he was stepping forward, a hand with an iron grip grabbing onto Dan’s wrist and holding him firmly in place. Phil was crowding into Dan’s space, hovering impossibly close, lips tantalisingly near and Dan was aching with it, aching with the desire to step closer and close the distance and drown himself in Phil. Phil backed him up until Dan felt the wall at his back, and he couldn’t  _ help _ himself. He moved closer.

Until Phil pulled away. There was a savage twist to his lips that Dan didn't like at all. “I knew it. I knew you did.”

Dan shuddered. He was torn completely open, staring helplessly, because  _ Phil knew  _ and Phil was never supposed to find out.

“It's not going to work though, Dan.” Phil's voice was back to a lower register. “I'm with  _ Alex.  _ Making up some terrible lies about him - it won't make me choose you.”

“I am not making  _ anything  _ up,” Dan snarled, hurt and angry. Because Phil wasn't choosing him. 

Phil knew everything, and he  _ wasn't choosing Dan. _

Phil stared at him, helplessly.

“If you honestly think I would do that,” Dan growled, “Then it's no wonder Alex is cheating on you.”

He could see the exact moment he'd gone too far - saw it in the way Phil rocked back on his heels, eyes widening, mouth dropping open. He looked as if he'd just been physically slapped.

After a long, torturous  silence, Phil recovered enough for his face to close off into a mask. Without a word, he lifted a hand and pointed at the door.

Dan swallowed, hard.

“I think,” Phil rasped, “That you had better go.”

Dan shook his head, eyes widening, but Phil was glaring at him with something burning in his eyes - the only thing expressive about him in that moment.

Dan hurt. He was aching and battered and bruised and maybe he'd pushed too far but  _ Phil wasn't choosing him. _

“I’m not lying, Phil,” Dan finally rasped. “I’m not - I wouldn’t. I wish you could believe that.”

Phil’s eyes were glistening.

“I’m going to go,” Dan murmured quietly, “If you think that’s for the best. But you know how to reach me. I - I promise, if I see you calling, I - I’ll always pick up.”

Phil didn't respond. Didn't move. Didn't reach out for him.

“Goodbye, Phil Lester.” Dan managed not to let his voice break, and then turned on his heel and walked straight out of the door.

\---

Three weeks passed, and Dan had moved back in with Stuart, much to his friend’s chagrin. Dan knew he was getting in the way again, knew he probably shouldn't be taking such advantage of Stuart when they were really only lingering friends from uni and Stuart had a wife and a baby and a life very much more together than Dan’s. He'd taken Dan back in with very little questions asked, simply peering at him when he gave his flimsy excuse that the last place ‘hadn’t worked out’.

Dan did his best to hide his red rimmed eyes. He refused to freeload again, not after so many months of feeling like a constant useless burden, so he did what he could in way of cooking and cleaning for Stuart and his stressed-out wife as they dealt with the baby and their own jobs.

Keeping busy also meant he didn't have too much time to think.

Dan hadn't been back to the B&B once, not even to collect the rest of his things. He had his phone and his wallet, which seemed most important, even though he could have done with having his laptop around. Dan just couldn't face going back there - not when he knew just who he'd have to see.

It still hurt. Thinking about the whole thing hurt, so Dan took the easy option and just - didn't think about it. He buried himself in mindless tasks, dodging all of Stuart’s well-meaning questions. Yes, he was fine. No, he hadn't found permanent work yet. Yes, he was looking. No, he didn't mind staying on the sofa while he looked for his own place.

And there was another problem. Dan had been to three more flat viewings, and none of them went well at all. The places were small, but pleasant enough (aside from the suspiciously damp patch on the wall of the second one), but try as he might, Dan couldn't picture himself living in one of them. Whenever he closed his eyes and tried to picture his ideal bedroom, green and blue bedsheets and an overflow of house plants always sprang straight to mind.

It was ridiculous, and Dan was getting tired.

Thankfully, not having a stable income allowed him an excuse for not finding somewhere straight away, despite it being close to six months since Maria had kicked him out. He'd applied for loans to cover the fees for his masters course that would be starting at the end of the summer, and in the meantime, Dan was completely free. He'd emailed a few other magazines and websites to see if he could get his foot in the door, but work was scarce and competitive. Dan was trying to practise his writing skills on the tiny screen of his phone, but it was hard. He was itching to have his laptop back.

Dan was settled into Stuart’s sofa with Stuart’s baby sprawled out on her playmat in front of him, half-watching her, half-on his phone, when he got the first promising email in several days. 

_ Dear Mr Howell, _

_ Thank you for your enquiry. We'd be delighted to see some of your work for our magazine. Please send us a digital copy of your article for our editor to look at further, we were particularly interested in your thoughts on the 10 best films that involve staircases. _

_ Yours sincerely, _

_ Elizabeth Steward _

_ Total Film Magazine _

Dan pressed a hand to his mouth, suppressing the excited squeal that threatened to escape. An interested answer. He actually had an  _ interested answer _ . Someone wanted to read his writing. They liked his ideas.

Dan hadn't been this excited in - well, about as long as he could remember, actually. He looked up with a grin at his lips, about to announce his news--

Only there wasn't anyone there to announce it to.

Just Stuart’s baby, who was lying on the playmat engrossed in her rattle.

Dan told her anyway. She waved her rattle at him, which he took to be a good sign.

Dan fired off an excited reply, probably a bit too eagerly for what the email required, but he couldn't help himself. This was the first bit of good news he'd had in months. With that, he got to work on the article, but was met with another obstacle - he could really do with having his laptop back. Writing on his phone was difficult and time-consuming, and he couldn’t get his thoughts straight when he was fighting autocorrect half the time. No, he needed his laptop with its actual keyboard to get this article right.

Even if that meant going to the B&B.

Could he do it? Dan shuddered at the very thought. If he went, chances were he'd have to meet either Phil or Alex, and, well, neither of those meetings were likely to go well.

Dan closed his eyes, drawing in a shaky breath. He'd hardly allowed himself any time to think about the mess of a situation he'd left behind there, but - but what had happened now? Was Alex still there? Was Phil still wilfully oblivious that Alex was cheating right under his nose? Or had he come to his senses and kicked Alex out?

But if he'd done that, then why hadn’t he let Dan know?

Dan, ashamed as he was, had kept his phone on him at all times, just in case he got that call. It never happened, and he didn't honestly expect it to after the rather epic fight he'd had with Phil, but still … there was a part of Dan that couldn't quite give up hope. That maybe Phil would be able to forgive him for some of the unforgivable things he’d said.

Not that Phil had been any better. Dan was still seething over the fact Phil thought he could be malicious enough to lie about cheating, when hurting Phil had been Dan’s absolute last intent. 

Dan still refused to think about the fact that  _ Phil knew  _ how Dan had felt this whole time, and still did nothing about it. He chose Alex, chose to believe Alex over Dan. That hurt far too much, so Dan simply didn't think about it, blocked all aspects of Phil from his brain.

Which meant he'd also had to forget about all his belongings, because they were still in the B&B, and the B&B meant Phil. Dan was currently living off Stuart’s castaways, and he had his phone and his wallet along with the stuff in storage, at least. He was just really starting to miss his laptop.

Maybe he should stop being so ridiculous and just go and get it back.

So, the next morning, Dan was up off Stuart’s sofa bright and early and off on the tube across London again. When he got off at the stop closest to the B&B, bile rose up in his throat and he almost got straight back on the train, but he had a long stern conversation with himself about being an adult and facing his mistakes, no matter how hard it might be. He forced his footsteps out of the station and into the bright London air.

The B&B looked the same as ever. The giant frondy-plant-thing was still on the doorstep looking ready to attack him, the sign was still a bit wonky, and the door knocker was the same giant lion’s head as it had always been.

Dan stood on the doorstep debating with himself for a good twenty minutes. Part of him was relieved to be back, calmed just by the knowledge that Phil was near, that it was the same place it had always been. Dan had found a refuge here when he had nowhere else to turn - that kind of thing left a lasting impact.

The other part of Dan was absolutely freaking out.

He  _ couldn't  _ face Phil again. He just  _ couldn’t _ . Dan didn't even know what he'd say, not after the way they'd left things last time. An apology didn't feel like anywhere near enough. Plus, Dan hadn't actually been lying, no matter what Phil might have thought, and there was a strong chance Alex was still here. Dan’s stomach turned at the thought. He wasn't entirely sure he'd stop himself from punching Alex if he saw him again, and that probably wouldn't help anything.

Or, more likely, Dan would run away from him like the coward he was.

He raised his hand to the lion’s head door knocker for the fifth time, biting his lower lip, when a curtain twitched in the window and Dan completely bottled it. He scampered away from the door and disappeared back down the street, breathing heavy and heart racing in his chest, with the constant feeling of being watched prickling at the back of his neck.

He could survive without his laptop for now.

Instead, the article was written up on his phone and sent off to the agency, and a few days later Dan got a reply off the editor saying they'd loved it and wanted to post it in next week’s edition. Dan may have freaked out a little again, but no one else needed to know. Finally, he had a path in life again, and this time in something he actually  _ enjoyed _ .

Only - Dan went to bed every night thinking his success would be so much sweeter if he had someone to share it with.

\---

Four weeks since Dan had left the B&B, and Phil was still moping.

Not that he'd ever  _ refer  _ to it as moping. Really, if he was taking his time about cleaning the rooms it wasn't because he didn't have a companion anymore, but more because he wanted to do a more thorough job. And if he was quieter at breakfast than normal, it was because he was focusing on his ingredients, not the Dan-sized empty space at the table. Really, it wasn't as if Phil  _ missed  _ him.

And why would he? Dan was a liar and manipulative and  _ cruel _ . Their last conversation still stung whenever Phil thought about it. He’d always thought Dan was kind and nice and warm and didn’t deserve the rather horrible lot life had thrown at him, but clearly, Phil had been mistaken. Dan was a liar. It didn’t matter how close they’d grown.

Phil’s forehead was permanently creased, his brows knotted together as he washed up the dishes from breakfast that morning. Thinking about Dan was becoming a habit that Phil needed to suppress - and had been suppressing for far longer than he wanted to admit to. Dan was just so  _ much _ . He was intense, and funny, and interesting, and different, and every time he stared at Phil with that dark gaze that saw so much, Phil’s breath was taken away just a little. He’d never quite felt anything like it before, never had a friend like Dan.

Only, Dan wasn’t his friend, was he? Clearly not. Not when he thought Phil was the kind of person who’d get cheated on, and deserve it.

Phil savagely scrubbed at the bottom of a frying pan, his face screwing up. It still hurt to think about their last encounter. Phil’s heart had been in his mouth when Dan texted him not to go home because Dan had something important to tell him. He’d instantly been consumed with worry. Had Dan had an accident? Was he hurt? Was he in desperate need of help, or in trouble? Phil had dashed straight up to his room obediently and hovered there, on the verge of panicking, for the better part of half an hour.

Until he’d seen Dan’s notebook.

He hadn’t even  _ meant  _ to read it, was the thing. He’d been awkwardly pacing around Dan’s room, back-and-forth from his bed to his desk, until he’d caught sight of the notebook lying open on the desk beside Dan’s laptop and then he’d just seen the words before he could stop himself. When he’d understood their meaning, it felt like a rock dropping to the bottom of his stomach.

A list of addresses. Flats. With viewings listed next to them.

Dan was planning to move out.

Phil couldn’t exactly explain why that hurt him so much. All he knew was that his chest constricted until it was hard to breathe and there was a harsh burning at the back of his eyes. He blinked several times, shocked that Dan could do such a thing. How could he think of  _ leaving _ ? Wasn’t he enjoying Phil’s company? Didn’t he know what that would  _ do  _ to Phil?

Only then, Dan had come back and sent the entire world crashing down around Phil’s ears.

Phil pulled his thoughts away, ferociously slamming the pan down onto the counter so the suds slipped down its sides. He couldn’t dwell on the past anymore. Dan was gone, and Phil was free to move on with his life. His life with Alex and their B&B and their guests who he got to feed and chatter to and share his houseplants with. In other words, he was living his dream.

Even if it didn’t quite feel like it right now.

Phil finished up the washing and dried his hands on his apron, biting back a sigh. It was hard to be enthusiastic, but he could do it. He’d find his happiness again. Just because he’d made a great friend only to find them to be a liar didn’t mean he couldn’t pick himself up again and carry on. After all, Phil wasn’t exactly a stranger to being let down by people he’d considered his friends. He didn’t have many people in his life long-term, and certainly not many he considered to be close to him. Before Alex, Phil had been a bit of an outcast, for his strange manner and bright ways that seemed so different to the way most of the world went about things. Dan seemed to just  _ get _ him in a way that not many people did.

Phil ignored the stab of pain at the thought. He took off his apron and slung it back in place, dusting off his hands as he headed back through to the dining room. The guests had all disappeared back upstairs now, or were checking out with Alex, so Phil had a moment or two to himself. He settled into his favourite seat and pulled the post over to him, glancing through with the crease still set into his brow.

He and Alex hadn’t spoken about the day Dan left. Alex had come in a few hours after Dan left, looking a little uncertain after another trip to the bank. Phil had simply told him that Dan had to leave, and Alex didn’t question him. Then they just carried on as they always had. Alex may have clung to him a little tighter that night, but Phil was glad of it. He wanted the reassurance that Alex was here, with him, that there was nothing wrong. That Dan had been wrong. That Phil had made the right decision.

A month had passed, and they’d slipped easily back into their routine. Phil ran most of the home stuff, cooking and cleaning and tidying, while Alex took care of the business and the finances and the bookings on the website. Phil liked doing the designing, though. Slipping into the routine felt natural and easy, and it kept Phil busy enough that he couldn’t do too much thinking, which would only lead him down dangerous pathways.

Phil glanced through the post, setting aside a few bills and important looking announcements for Alex to go through. He brightened a bit at seeing a new edition of his favourite film reviewing magazine, ripping open the plastic easily and settling in to give it a read. 

He’d been lost in it for maybe fifteen minutes when Alex came back in with his usual soft smile. “Hey. Want a coffee?”

“Please,” Phil murmured, barely looking up from his article. He didn’t even notice as Alex disappeared into the kitchen, too engrossed. He didn’t recognise the style of this one, which was unusual because Phil followed the writers of this magazine closely. He’d certainly never read the wicked sarcasm of this person writing on the ten best films including staircases. He was enjoying it. He’d already chuckled to himself four times.

When he finished the article, Phil’s eyes darted to see the name of the author, and he promptly dropped the magazine onto the table.

_ Daniel Howell. _

There, in black-and-white, was the name of the author, and it was so achingly familiar that Phil could feel his heart rate picking up, his palms growing a little sweaty. And really,  _ of course  _ it was Dan. Phil should have recognised that scathing tone straight away, in the precise way he picked apart the details of all the films. Reading the article was like chatting to him. Phil could picture it now - the way Dan’s dark eyes brightened whenever he opened up about something he really loved, how he could talk for hours about intricate details of his favourite shows, or point out exactly what key factors Phil had missed out on in his own, fairly passive viewing.

Suddenly, Phil missed Dan. Really missed him.

“Phil?” Alex reappeared with coffee just then, placing a mug down in front of Phil. “What are you reading?”

Phil couldn’t speak right away. He didn’t take his eyes off the magazine, eyes scanning back over the article, reading it so easily in Dan’s voice now. He remembered the number of times he’d been sitting here, in this very room, with Dan opposite him eating his breakfast, grumbling with sleepy tones or occasionally gracing him with that smile where his eyes creased up and he looked so  _ warm _ . 

It hurt to remember him like that.

“Daniel Howell?” Alex read the name of the author, his tone surprised. “Isn’t that the Dan who was staying here?”

Roughly, Phil nodded.

“I wondered what happened to him.” Alex moved away, edging around to the other side of the table, his own mug in his hand.

Phil traced his movements, watching him around the table. “He had to go.”

“Mm?” Alex barely looked over.

Phil swallowed. “He had to. He lied about you.”

Alex paused. He glanced back over at Phil.

Phil licked his lips. “Said you were cheating. On me. I didn’t believe him, of course, so he left. I thought it for the best.”

Alex had stopped moving. His face paled, his expression falling.

Suddenly, Phil’s chest felt very tight.

“He  _ was  _ lying,” Phil said carefully, “Right? He was, right?”

Alex sank down into the seat opposite Phil with his face crumpling right up. That look spoke volumes, and suddenly, Phil was finding it hard to breathe.

“Um,” Alex started, and he was avoiding Phil’s eyes. “Well--”

It was enough.

“He wasn’t lying,” Phil whispered. Spots were dancing in the corners of his vision. His fingers trembled, his chest growing tighter by the minute.

Alex placed his mug carefully on the table and buried his face in his hands. 

“You--” Phil tried to speak. He failed. “You--”

“I’m sorry.” Alex’s voice was muffled between his fingers. He couldn’t even  _ look  _ at Phil. “I’m sorry. We were going - we were going to tell you--”

“We?” Phil’s brain was stuck. He wasn’t entirely sure his body knew how to work. “Tell me - tell me what?”

“What Dan told you, probably,” Alex murmured. “He found us. Said he was going to tell you, though I tried to stop him. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

Phil blinked, hard.

He was telling the truth? Dan had been telling the truth? That meant - that meant he wasn’t a liar, he wasn’t manipulative or cruel or any of the other horrible things Phil had accused him of that day. He’d been  _ telling the truth,  _ and Phil had chucked him out anyway.

He’d been telling the truth. Which meant that Alex--

Alex…

“You’ve been  _ cheating _ ?” Phil asked, weakly.

Alex took in a breath. He dropped his hands and peeked up at Phil with those bright eyes that Phil had always trusted. They were shining, and his face was crumpled, but he nodded.

He  _ nodded _ .

Phil stared at him. “I - I don’t understand?”

“Phil,” Alex’s voice broke, “I’m  _ sorry _ . I wasn’t going to tell you until we had it all sorted--”

“What? What all sorted?”

“Well, when we were ready…” Alex trailed off. He was avoiding Phil’s eyes again. “When we had everything sorted about this place.”

Phil’s jaw dropped. “What sorted? About  _ here _ ?”

Alex bit his lip. He didn’t answer, but he didn’t need to, because Phil’s brain was finally waking up and he remembered Dan telling him about this, about Alex’s supposed plan to take the B&B, to take it off Phil. To kick Phil out.

He’d never have believed it, if he didn’t see Alex sitting in front of him right now looking as guilty as three hanged men.

“You’re taking it,” Phil whispered, “Aren’t you?”

Alex lifted his hands helplessly. “It’s my livelihood, Phil. My  _ home _ .”

“No.” Phil was shaking his head, his hands digging into the table. He felt a bit faint. “No, this is  _ my _ home.”

“Phil--”

“This is my business, Alex, we always said - it was  _ my _ idea, I was the one who wanted to do this--”

“But  _ I _ found the building!” Alex argued, and now his eyes were flaring. “I found it, I worked my arse off for this, to give you what  _ you  _ wanted--”

“What?” Phil’s breath was stolen away all over again.

Alex was glaring at him now. “I never wanted this! It was  _ your _ dream.”

Phil blinked. “Exactly!”

“I worked  _ so hard _ ,” Alex hissed, “For you. For this. Finances, taxes, advertising, you didn’t have a  _ clue  _ about any of that stuff. I still don’t think you even know what marketing  _ means _ .”

Phil flinched. “Alex--”

“But you were so happy, how could I refuse? I couldn’t back out.” Alex’s eyes were hard. “Until Jonathan showed up. He knows business, he knows how to make this place work.  _ Actually  _ work, without all the handouts and fucking  _ plants  _ and your stupid ideas about money, he - he has a plan, and it’ll work. I’m not going to give it up.”

Phil was speechless. After a minute, he gasped, “Is that - is that actually what you think of me?”

Alex winced. His expression softened, just a little. “I don’t - you’re a good person, Phil. You are. You’re just not cut out for this.”

Phil couldn’t breathe. The world was crashing down around him all over again, but this time there wasn’t even a Dan to help him build it back up.

Dan, who’d known this, who’d tried to  _ warn  _ Phil.

“So you - you want me out?” Phil managed after a moment, and he could feel it, in his chest, his heart breaking in two. “You want me to go?”

Alex was looking at him with nothing but pity.

“How long?” Phil whispered. “How long have you - have you - did this ever mean anything to you, actually?”

“Of course it did,” Alex rushed to say, “Of  _ course _ , Phil--”

But Phil was shaking his head, getting to his feet with trembling limbs. “It can’t have. If it did, you wouldn’t - you wouldn’t do  _ this _ .” His voice broke.

Alex was on his feet, then, reaching for him, but Phil backed away. He was falling apart and he couldn’t stand to have Alex touching him, not just then.

Alex stopped. Pain flashed across his face for a moment, quickly followed by resignation, and he crumpled a bit in his place.

They held eye contact, Phil and Alex, for a long moment - long enough for all the memories of the past two years to flash across Phil’s eyes. Every moment he’d been happy with Alex, when they met and dated and first kissed, when they moved in together and the day Alex had excitedly run up to Phil waving a brochure,  _ look at this, this could work, we could actually run our own place!  _

It all felt false now, because Alex was looking at him with pity in his eyes and Phil’s heart was breaking.

“I’m,” Phil gasped, “Going to go.”

Alex looked for a minute like he was going to stop him, but then his shoulders slumped and he nodded. His voice cracked a bit as he asked, “Where?”

Phil shrugged. His cheeks were wet. “I don’t know. Anywhere. Anywhere that isn’t  _ here _ .”

Alex just nodded again. “Text me when you’re somewhere safe?”

Phil could only nod. His vision was blurring. He span, forcing his legs to move, forcing himself to breathe despite the tightness in his chest. He counted every step to the front door, tried to ignore the cheery bell sound as it opened, and closed it firmly behind him.

He was barely three steps down the street when he was lifting his phone to his ear with trembling fingers. The call was picked up on the third ring, the voice that answered so achingly familiar that Phil closed his eyes and swayed on the spot.

“ _ Dan _ .”

\---

“ _ You were right. I’m so sorry, you were right.” _

Dan was frozen in shock. For all his wishing over the past month, Dan hadn’t ever expected to actually see the name he wanted flashing up on his phone; but there it was:  _ Phil Lester is calling. _ Dan had almost thrown his phone across the floor, only it wasn’t his floor to destroy.

Phil sounded tearful. Dan managed to notice that beyond the shock at hearing him again, and then simply wanting to drown in the sound of his voice.

“ _ Dan, I’m sorry _ ,” Phil sniffed loudly, “ _ You were right – it was Alex, he’s been— _ ” at that, Phil’s voice broke off, and there was the sound of muffled sobs through the scratchy line.

Dan bit down hard on his lip. An exuberant _ I told you so! _ was on the tip of his tongue, but he figured it wasn’t exactly what Phil needed to hear right then. Besides, the sound of Phil crying was breaking Dan’s heart. He’d never wanted to hear that sound. Dan couldn’t even congratulate himself on being right, not when hearing Phil cry was like having his fingernails pulled out slowly one by one.

In the end, Dan ended up just making soothing hushing noises down the phone while Phil cried himself out. He didn’t really know what else to say. He’d tried to warn Phil, after all, and Phil had all but thrown it back in his face. Dan could still feel anger and hurt twisting inside him, rolling in his stomach until he felt faintly sick. But right now, Phil was crying, and that shouldn’t ever happen.

“ _ I’m sorry, _ ” Phil hiccuped as soon as he was mildly coherent again.

“It’s ok,” Dan replied eventually, even though it really wasn’t.

Phil knew, as well, as he gave a wet chuckle. “ _ No. No, it isn’t, I shouldn’t – you probably don’t even want to talk to me. _ ”

“I always want to talk to you,” Dan answered lowly, because he had no dignity anymore with Phil. After all, Phil knew everything. It was kind of relieving for Dan not to have to hide the way he was feeling anymore.

Phil chuckled again, a kind of breathless laugh. “ _ I don’t want to prey on you— _ ”

“Are you joking?” Dan demanded. “I still owe you. A lot.” After all, Phil hadn’t given Dan a chance to pay when he unceremoniously kicked him out of the B&B.

“ _ I still don’t want to prey on you _ .” Phil was stubborn even in emotional turmoil, it seemed.

Dan sighed. “Where are you? I’ll come and find you.”

“ _ I don’t want to put you out _ .”

“Phil, you’re not. Stop it. Just tell me where you are.”

Phil sniffed. “ _ At the bus stop _ .”

“The bus stop?”

“ _ Yeah. The same one where I first met you, and you gave me a tissue that was all screwed up _ .”

Dan blinked. Why would Phil have gone there? That bus stop wasn’t even anywhere near his B&B – it was much closer to where Dan had lived with Maria.. It seemed only right that Phil was there now, waiting for Dan to meet him again.

“I’ll be ten minutes,” Dan promised, and promptly hung up the phone.

\---

When Dan found Phil, he was curled up on the bench in the bus stop with his head in his hands and a bag by his feet.

Dan’s heart tugged. He ducked inside the shelter, but didn’t make a sound, instead just leaning against the cracked glass. It was raining again. The similarities to the day that Dan had first met Phil were all but screaming at him – only this time, Phil was the one with his heart broken.

Dan had hoped never to see that.

Phil was bent almost double, his elbows resting on his knees, his head completely buried in his hands. All Dan could see was the tufty top of his black hair. Seeing him again – even like this – was enough to send butterflies storming through Dan’s stomach. A month hadn’t changed him much. The same black hair, the same nerdy t-shirt under his bulky metallic raincoat. The same galaxy rucksack sat by his feet.

Dan bit down hard on his lip, and then took a step forward.

Instantly, Phil’s head shot up. His eyes caught onto Dan’s gaze and held there, and just like that Dan was drowning again. There were tear stains streaking down Phil’s cheek, and his eyes were damp and dull in the shadowy bus stop, but his face was just the same.

Upon seeing him, Phil lowered his hands and summoned up something that was probably supposed to be a smile. It looked crooked and forced on his teary face. “Dan.”

Dan winced. His name, uttered with such weight from Phil’s lips, was doing strange things to his mentality. But Dan had resolved to keep his distance this time. He was here because Phil needed a friend, just as Phil had been the friend Dan needed when he was in this same situation all those months ago. That was all there was to it.

Phil hadn’t chosen him. Dan needed to remember that.

Phil’s eyes tracked pathways across Dan’s face. “Dan. I’m – I – thank you for coming.”

Dan’s lips twitched despite himself. He kept his arms folded sharply across his chest, his tone sardonic. “Yes, well, it’s about time I started paying you back.”

“No.” Phil shook his head, his face crumpling. “You don’t need to – I don’t need you to pay me back.”

“You never did, but I’m still going to.”

Phil’s lips turned downwards. “I don’t want you to be here just because you feel like you have to be.”

At that, Dan felt his resolve crumbling. Already. He was completely pathetic. As it was, his hands wilted down to his sides and he took another step forwards, towards Phil. “I’m not. I’m here because I want to be, Phil, I’d have thought you knew that by now.”

Phil looked up at him with something akin to awe. “Too good to me, Dan.”

Dan shifted uncomfortably. That hardly seemed fair – after all, Phil was the one who’d let Dan stay for free inside his home and eat his food for several months. Dan hadn’t even begun to pay him back.

As it was, Dan shifted on his feet, eventually edging closer and settling down onto the bench beside Phil. He left enough of a gap between them that there was no chance of them touching, but he could still feel that familiar urge to lean closer, to curl up close to his side.

Dan stayed in place.

“So what happened?” Dan asked lowly after several moments of awkward silence.

He could feel the depths of Phil’s sigh from beside him. “…You were right. About everything.” Phil’s voice was hoarse. “I didn’t want to believe you. I never believed it of him, but it turns out … you were right.”

“I wish I wasn’t,” Dan answered honestly. He flicked a sidelong glance, saw Phil with his face buried back in his hands. Dan winced. “I honestly would never have wished this on you.”

Phil’s shoulders were shaking again. He made a sort of strangled noise that might have been an attempt at speech, muffled in the palms of his hands.

Dan broke. He leaned sideways, wrapping an arm around Phil’s shoulder, and Phil absolutely melted against him. He curled into Dan’s chest and full on sobbed, tears dampening the front of Dan’s shirt, his metallic coat rubbing against Dan’s sleeve.

Dan awkwardly patted Phil’s shoulder, trying to stay as still as he could. It was all too tempting to lean into Phil’s embrace, to close his eyes and breathe him in and fall back into his world. It could be so easy. Dan was on the brink of falling all over again.

But there was a deep ache in his chest reminding him that Phil  _ hadn’t chosen him. _ Phil had known all about how Dan felt, had seen for himself what Dan was saying, and still hadn’t chosen Dan. The knowledge of that sat like a stone in Dan’s stomach.

Eventually, after several minutes, Phil drew away, just a little. He sniffed a few times, turning his head to look directly at Dan again. It was a bit distracting, with their faces so close.

“He cheated on me, Dan,” Phil breathed, his voice cracking. “He  _ cheated _ .”

Dan’s face screwed up. He rubbed his hand soothingly over Phil’s back – or he hoped it was soothing. “I know. I’m sorry.”

Phil sniffed again.

“If it helps any,” Dan added, “I yelled at him a lot when I caught them.”

Phil’s lips twitched and he leaned into Dan’s side. “Surprisingly, that does make me feel a little better.”

Dan closed his eyes. He allowed himself to hold Phil, no matter how short-lived this moment might be. He hadn’t got the chance to hold Phil in his arms before.

“So what are you going to do now?” Dan asked after another minute.

He felt Phil’s sigh against his neck. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I can’t go back there, though.” Phil bit his trembling lip. “I think – I think Alex wants to bring  _ him _ home.”

Dan’s expression tightened. He drew Phil close, protectively, allowing the flare of jealousy to grow in his gut. He was allowed to feel protective, right? He and Phil were friends, never mind any of the rest of their mess. In fact, Phil was the best friend Dan had ever had. He was allowed to be upset for him, to be protective of him. _ To want to gouge out Alex’s eyes for him? _ That was maybe a bit far.

“Have you got anywhere to stay?” Dan tried, again in a complete reversal to their first meeting.

Phil gave a soft chuckle, almost close to sarcastic. “No. My whole life was in that place, Dan, I haven’t got anything else.” His voice dropped, tone turning horrified. “I _ haven’t got anything else. _ Fuck, Dan, what am I going to do?”

Dan bit his lip, reluctant to tell the truth that he didn’t know, either. He’d tried to warn Phil so they could sort out a plan, but that hadn’t worked out. Dan hadn’t thought beyond this point. Honestly, he never thought they’d even get to this point.

Phil seemed to see the answer in Dan’s eyes, because his expression dimmed and he let out a heavy sigh, moving out from under Dan’s arm. Dan felt the loss with a grimace.

“I’m sorry,” Phil murmured. “I never should have asked. This isn’t your business.”

Dan winced. Still an outsider, then, just as he always was.

“I – I want you to know,” Phil started, staring up at him, “That I don’t expect anything. From you.”

Dan quirked an eyebrow, a bit too breathless to speak. He felt like there was a hole in his chest that only grew larger every time he saw Phil drawing away from him.

“I said such awful things to you,” Phil murmured, and he was staring so hard at Dan. “I never should have done that. I don’t expect you to forgive me, I didn’t even expect you to come – I’m sorry I called you.”

Dan blinked.

“You can go at any point,” Phil continued in a low voice, sniffling. “I’ll be fine—”

At that, Dan finally found his voice again. He stormed up to his feet and faced Phil with stony features. “No.”

Phil blinked up at him. “…No?”

“No. Shit, Phil, do you think – do you honestly think I’d just abandon you?”

“I—”

“Stop it,” Dan growled. “You were so kind to me, you gave me a bed when literally no one else in my life did, and I am never going to forget it. If I can return the favour now, that’s the least I can do. So shut up and deal with it, because I am going to help you.”

Phil’s mouth opened and closed in shock. He stared up at Dan with something like awe in his expression, despite his tear-streaked cheeks and the mess of his hair where he’d been pressed against Dan’s side. Dan tried not to think about how much he’d liked having Phil there.

“But,” Phil started, despite Dan’s glare, “You don’t owe me anything, Dan—”

“I  _ do, _ ” Dan growled.

“No, you were never a bother—”

“I literally ate you out of house and home.”

“No, you were fine—”

“Phil.” Dan huffed, darkening his glare until it would have killed someone lesser and had Phil shrinking back in his cramped bus shelter seat. “I know you’re stupidly kind, but I didn’t pay you at all. By anyone’s count, I owe you. So shut up and let me help.”

Phil’s face screwed up. “I don’t want you to help me just because you feel you have to.”

“Well, tough.”

“But you must hate me!”

Phil’s exclamation shut Dan up for long enough to stare at him. Phil gave a firm nod, his eyes fixed on Dan’s face. “You have every right to hate me, Dan. What I said was unforgivable. I’m sorry, more sorry than you’ll probably ever believe, but I don’t expect you to just carry on as if nothing is wrong.”

Dan bit his lip savagely, folding his arms tighter in front of his chest. His hands were balled into fists tight enough to leave nail imprints in his palms. Phil’s words sounded rehearsed. Had he been practising saying them to Dan, imagining that kind of a reaction from him? Dan couldn’t have been further away from it. Even when he was angry, when he was furious at Phil and wanted to shake him and quite possibly punch him too, Dan couldn’t walk away. He was hardwired to help Phil, it appeared.

Phil was watching him with an expression that fell with every passing moment. “So, Dan, you’re free to walk away at any moment. I don’t expect a future with you – I don’t expect you to still want that, I mean.” And suddenly Phil was muttering, looking down with a sharp tint to his cheeks. From the crying. It had to be from the crying.

Dan wet his lips, managing to croak, “What kind of future?”

Phil visibly winced.

“What kind of future, Phil?” Dan pressed. If this was going to be the last time he saw Phil – not that Dan wanted it to be, but the possibility was still there, this all felt so fragile – then Dan wanted to get answers. He was tired to the bone of constantly tiptoeing around Phil, and his only reason for caution – Alex – was long gone by now.

Well, maybe not long gone, but at least out of the picture. Hopefully.

Phil drew in a deep breath, readying himself. His eyes were once again fixed unblinkingly onto Dan’s face. It would have been unnerving if he were anyone else. “The kind of future where we do stuff. Together.”

Despite himself, Dan’s mouth fell open. He hadn’t been expecting bluntness like that.

“I don’t mean anything awkward or creepy,” Phil was rushing to add, and he buried his face back in his palms, voice muffled. “I always come off creepy here apparently, ugh. I just mean – Dan – Dan, I just mean—”

“What?” Dan asked faintly. “What do you mean.”

There was a moment of silence.

Phil’s hands dropped from his face and he lifted his head to meet Dan’s gaze dead-on. His eyes were shining, wet still with tears, but Dan still felt like he’d been socked in the gut.

“I mean,” Phil started, voice a little shaky, “That when Alex was telling me the truth, confirming everything you said – all I could think about was finding you again and apologising.”

Dan’s heart stopped.

“That even when my life was falling apart,” Phil continued, his voice growing stronger with every syllable, “All I could think about was finding you. How much I missed you. How relieved I was that you weren’t lying, even though it meant leaving behind everything I’ve worked for. Alex was leaving me, and all I could think about was you.”

Dan was struggling to breathe. His chest felt too tight, but not with fear or anger or hurt this time – no, for the first time in far too long, Dan was feeling hope.

Not a perfect hope. Not even a particularly  _ hopeful _ hope. But it was hope all the same, and Dan would take it after all these months of pain and heartache and loss and hurt. Maybe things could be fixed. Maybe there would be renewal for Dan after all.

Yet still, the hope was tainted, because despite everything that Phil was saying here, he  _ still hadn’t picked Dan  _ when he’d had the chance _.  _ In fact, Phil was only here because Alex was cheating. If not for that, Phil wouldn’t have been choosing Dan at all.

That thought hit Dan like a rush of cold water. Phil  _ hadn’t picked him. _ He was only Phil’s second best. Despite everything Phil was saying, everything that he’d apparently been feeling over these last few months, Dan was still only Phil’s second best.

“Like I said,” Phil murmured after too long a silence, “I’m not expecting anything. I don’t even know if you – that is to say, you must hate me, and even if you didn’t, I’ve just broken up—” his voice caught.

Dan made something like a strangled noise.

Phil stared up at him, alarmed, but Dan didn’t have the brainpower to answer him right now. Because Phil was broken up, Phil was single, and he was apparently saying he had some interest in Dan. Minor interest, too much too soon, messy as it was, it was  _ something _ . Even though Dan was only second best, Phil was still here, still saying these things. And he was single. And Dan was single. Dan’s brain was getting stuck on that loop.

“And you’re not long broken up either,” Phil hastened to add, “And I don’t even know if you felt – well. It’s all too new. But what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t be adverse to a future with you in it, Dan.”

Dan made the strangled noise again.

Phil’s lips twitched, despite his mess of a face. He sobered again after a moment, glancing back down at his feet. “But, Dan, I meant what I said. I wouldn’t blame you if you walked away right now.”

Dan’s brain was still stuck on the loop of  _ Phil is single, I am single, Phil wants a future with me in it, but is he only choosing me because I’m still here and Alex isn’t? _ He battled to drag himself out of it and back into the moment – the moment where Phil was staring at him with an oddly fierce expression, waiting for him to say something.

Dan opened his mouth, snapped it shut again, let out a breath, and said, “I don’t want to walk away.”

Phil’s expression shifted into one of cautious hope.

“I’m still pretty mad,” Dan clarified, “But I don’t want to walk away.”

Phil wet his lips, his eyes darting all over Dan’s face. He nodded cautiously. “I expected wrath from you, to be honest.”

“You might be getting that later,” Dan answered wryly. His mind was still in turmoil, and he was still terrified that all this was only because Dan was still here when Alex wasn’t. That once Phil got over this betrayal, he actually wouldn’t want Dan at all.

A chuckle escaped Phil without him even noticing. He pressed a hand to his mouth, saying into it, “Thanks for the warning. I’ll find somewhere to cower.”

Dan’s lips twitched in response. He was still angry, yes, and there were a lot of things to fix and Phil certainly needed to do some healing, but they were here. Phil was back in his life. And maybe, just maybe, Phil would get to be a part of his future.

But Dan couldn’t think about that yet. For a while, they had to live in the present.

Speaking of—

“There may be a slight problem,” Dan admitted, sending a cloud of worry instantly settling back over Phil’s features. “Nothing to do with you,” Dan hastily added, “But – I’m assuming you haven’t got anywhere to stay?”

Phil shook his head.

“Yeah.” Dan grimaced. “And therein lies the problem. I haven’t got anywhere, either.”

Phil stared at him. “But the flat viewings—”

“They were never my priority,” Dan admitted, glancing away suddenly. “I didn’t actually want to stop staying with you, Phil.”

“Then why did you do it?”

Dan flinched, wincing at the hurt tone to Phil’s voice. This wasn’t a question he particularly wanted to answer, but seeing as Phil already knew everything, there couldn’t be too much damage left to be done.

“I wasn’t sure how much longer I could cope,” Dan answered honestly. “There you were, being all perfect and adorable and kind, and I couldn’t – um.” He broke off, not sure exactly how to phrase _ I couldn’t exactly ask you out seeing as you were living with your boyfriend and flaunting your relationship right under my nose. _

Phil, it seemed, was on the same page as him, because he gave Dan a slightly wet grin. “Perfect and adorable, was I?”

Dan shoved him, screwing his face up. “Shut up. You know perfectly well what I mean.”

At that, Phil’s face sobered up a little. Dan winced again. He drew in a breath, looking away from Phil as he mumbled, “But you had Alex. There was only so much of that I could take.”

“So you were trying to move out because you were jealous?”

“Wow, Phil, way to be subtle.”

“Sorry.” Phil snorted, though, and he wasn’t running away or looking horrified or shouting at Dan for destroying his relationship, which was honestly a plus. Dan had done his very best not to do that, after all. “It’s just – all this time, and you were on exactly the same page as me.”

Dan blinked. Then blinked again. “…Excuse me?”

Phil was looking down at his shoes now, brow furrowing a bit. “I honestly can’t blame Alex for cheating. Some of the thoughts I’ve had…”

Dan’s breath caught.

Phil, however, shook his head and sealed his lips, much as Dan was willing him to continue. Instead, he got up to his feet and shouldered his bag, turning to Dan with a determined expression. “Right. So we need somewhere to stay. Wait – you haven’t been sleeping rough again, have you?”

Dan pushed aside his momentary disappointment in favour of letting out a long, exasperated sigh. “I was never sleeping rough, Phil, I’ve been staying with my friend again.”

“The one with the baby and the sick aunt?”

“Yeah.”

Phil tutted, loudly, and slid his phone out of his pocket. “Well, we’re not having that. C’mon.”

Dan arched a questioning brow. Phil, however, simply gave him a mischievous grin slightly crooked with sadness, and dialled a number as he started walking down the street.

Dan stood looking after his retreating back, debating with himself. Following Phil had only got him into trouble so far, and the waters were only getting deeper. There was still no guarantee that any good could come from this. Whatever Phil was saying now, it might all change as soon as he got over Alex, or when he was at least doing a little better. Dan couldn’t trust anything he said yet, because Dan was still only Phil’s second choice.

But Dan was tired of seeing Phil walking away from him.

Throwing his hands up into the air, Dan followed him.

\---

It turned out that Phil had a friend who also owned a B&B, further towards the centre of London. They’d met doing some competition between B&B owners to win an award, and they’d hit it off so well that they’d stayed in touch ever since. The B&B was totally different to Phil’s, with clinical white walls and crisp clean sheets that looked like no one else had ever even touched them. The lack of houseplants made everything feel slightly off.

Still, it was a roof over their heads, and much to Dan’s relief the room had two single beds in it. He didn’t think either he or Phil were quite ready yet for the kind of stress that would put on them. For one thing, Dan really was still pretty angry at him. Phil had shouted some really horrible things at Dan, accusing him of lying and manipulating in a way that Dan had never and would never do. In return, Dan had said some pretty nasty things back. He flinched at the memory.

All in all, they both had a lot of healing to do.

The first few days were spent in quiet awkwardness, mostly with them both lounging on their respective beds watching the same trashy daytime TV they’d both watched together during the day at Phil’s B&B. They made the same jokes, shared the same anecdotes, but something about it was just a bit – off. Mostly because Phil was still moping and miserable and consuming copious amounts of ice cream, and Dan steadfastly refused to push him or ask any questions that might upset the new, cautious balance between them. Dan was still terrified that if he said the wrong thing, or pushed too far, then Phil would go scurrying back to Alex. After all, Phil had chosen him before Dan, originally.

And some things – some things were better than they’d ever been. Dan learned the raspberry shower gel Phil used that gave him his constant fresh scent, and that he used three different towels after a shower for some reason that only Phil knew. He learned that Phil couldn’t function without at least two cups of coffee every morning, that he favoured the right side of the bed, that he always liked to leave the curtains open so he could see the sky from wherever he was, even at night. Dan argued with him over the neighbours being able to creep on them, but Phil had forcefully shoved Dan to look up at the stars in the nighttime, and Dan had stopped his constant griping.

“I suppose it isn’t so bad,” he admitted grudgingly, to which Phil gave a cheer. Dan would have complained further, only that was the happiest sound Phil had made since they’d come here, and Dan couldn’t bear to ruin it.

Dan still only had his phone and wallet, though, along with a couple of changes of clothes he’d stolen from Stuart, and Phil had barely picked up any of his stuff. They were both living off what they could buy from supermarkets and the generosity of Phil’s friend, although Phil refused to take advantage and insisted they had to sort out something soon.

“That’s kind of really ironic,” Dan pointed out on their fourth day as he lazed around on his bed.

Phil glanced at him with a tiny crease in his forehead. “Huh?”

“I kept trying to repay you for months and you were always like,  _ no, Dan, stop it, there’s no need, you don’t owe me anything. _ Yet you refuse to put yourself in the same situation.”

“That’s different.”

“I fail to see how.”

“Well, it is.” Phil had a stubborn twist to his lips as he set about pouring them both drinks – coffee for himself (his third), hot chocolate for Dan.

Dan sat up just enough to arch a brow at him. “Enlighten me?”

Phil glanced at him again, pursed his lips when he saw Dan wasn’t going to drop it, and turned to stare back at where he was ferociously stirring his coffee. “That was  _ you, _ Dan.”

Dan kept staring at him.

“You were always different,” Phil mumbled just loud enough for Dan to catch his words. “At first I just wanted to be a good person, sure, because you were lost and you looked so alone and dejected, but then you were just so … so  _ you _ . I can’t explain it.”

“Try?” Dan asked hesitantly after a minute, because this was the closest they’d ever got to Phil actually talking about his feelings. Dan was still mostly in the dark. He was still convinced that Phil loved Alex, and would choose Alex first, because, well, he  _ had _ . He’d known exactly how Dan felt, and still chosen to stay with Alex. Dan had no guarantee that that wasn’t going to happen again, and it hurt to feel like someone’s second best.

Foolishly, Dan still held hope that Phil might have wanted him all along, too.

Phil sighed. He put down his spoon, finally, and turned to face Dan with something unreadable hiding in his gaze. “You were just so  _ much _ . This whirlwind of emotion and turmoil just burst into my life, and you shook everything up, made me realise that there’s more to life than settling down in a little suburban house with the guy who’s sensible, who makes you feel sensible.” 

Dan felt hope starting to blossom brokenly in his chest.

“I had ideas, you know?” Phil continued imploringly. “Things I wanted to do, like making the garden a shelter for animals waiting for rehoming, or opening up a room for people who had nowhere to go, but Alex always shot them down.” Phil looked away, his lips turning down. “I don’t have a head for finances, or much business sense. He always made so much sense, but—“

“But it wasn’t what you wanted?” Dan finished for him, a questioning tilt to the sentence.

“Not exactly.” Phil grimaced, clearly trying hard to find the right words. Dan gave him time, settling cross-legged on the crisp white sheets and watching him as he grappled with himself. Dan’s heart was in his mouth.

“It’s like,” Phil tried eventually, “Like my life was the sensible little shrub that everyone walks past in the garden centre. The one you know is probably good for your garden, might add a little bit of character, but there’s no colour. There’s nothing exciting. It’s just a shrub.”

“…Ok,” Dan said slowly. He should have expected nothing less than plant allegories from Phil.

“And then you,” Phil continued, voice catching just a little, “You turn up, and you’re like this wild honeysuckle. You’re messy and expensive and I’m never quite sure it’s worth the money, and you climb up the walls and get in the way of everything and infiltrate yourself completely, but then you flower and you have the most amazing scent and suddenly there’s colour and bees are coming and butterflies are hovering everywhere and – and I’m still sitting in the shrub.”

Dan blinked. “…I’m not entirely sure whether to be flattered or insulted.”

“I was going for insulted,” Phil said with a straight face, and tried and failed to dodge the pillow Dan threw at him. “But yeah. There was this beautiful wild honeysuckle sitting right within my reach, and I just had to take the risk, to reach out and take it, but - but my shrub was still right there.”

Dan held back a wince.

“I couldn’t just leave my shrub,” Phil murmured. “Not after everything we’d been through. It was still a  _ nice _ shrub, and it was home. I knew my shrub. I was safe with my shrub. Only, in choosing the shrub, it looked like the honeysuckle was going to die. I couldn’t look after them  _ both _ , so I let the honeysuckle die, and then there weren’t any butterflies anymore.”

Phil went quiet for a bit, squeezing the pillow between his fingers for a moment, and then glanced back at Dan with something soft in his eyes. “I think I’d prefer to go with the honeysuckle.”

Dan felt the old familiar squeezing in his chest whenever Phil looked at him or said something sweet like that, only this time, he didn’t have to suppress it. Was Phil…actually choosing him? After Dan had been so sure that there was no way he’d be getting a chance?

It seemed he might be.

But still, there were unanswered questions. Things that Dan didn’t want to address, but were still looming large enough in front of him that he wasn’t completely happy yet, couldn’t completely trust Phil yet.

Phil was still looking at him.

“But the shrub,” Dan said finally, swallowing, “You still  _ like _ the shrub, don’t you?”

Phil’s eyes tightened.

“I mean,” Dan rushed to continue, “You still chose it. Him. You still chose him over me.”

The words were out, blatant, and Phil seemed to flinch away from them. Dan couldn’t blame him. In fact, Dan almost regretted saying them - they left him completely raw, completely open and vulnerable before Phil. As ever. As ever, Phil held all the power, he was the one with the choice to make, and Dan was just stuck along for the ride.

Silence held, in which Dan started to feel like he was going to be let down all over again, in that stupid gentle way Phil had that somehow hurt all the more. But then Phil was shaking his head, looking up at Dan again with the most vulnerable expression Dan had ever seen, and saying, “Dan, I was  _ scared _ .”

Dan’s heart fluttered.

“I was so scared.” Phil’s voice was barely more than a whisper. “I was safe, I was happy, or I  _ thought _ I was, at least. But then you came along, and I was just - I was feeling all these things I’d never felt before, and it was  _ wrong _ . I wanted you, and it was wrong.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered back, but Phil shook his head fiercely.

“No, it isn’t your fault. You didn’t do anything, you were just  _ you _ , and I was completely helpless.” Phil lifted one shoulder in a half-shrug, caught somewhere between smiling and crying. “But I was safe. I had my shrub. I couldn’t risk - I couldn’t ruin it. I still loved my shrub. It didn’t matter what I was suddenly feeling for you, because I still loved my shrub.”

Dan’s heart rocketed down again, and Phil was going to have to stop jumping around like this because it was going to break Dan eventually.

“But my shrub didn’t even love me,” Phil murmured, “Did it? This whole time, I was sticking with the thing that made me safe, not  _ happy _ but safe, and it wasn’t even worth it. Because he didn’t even want to stay with me.”

Dan’s brow creased. “He never ever should have done that to you.”

“I’m almost glad he did,” Phil disagreed in a tiny voice.

Dan stared at him.

“Almost,” Phil clarified. “Almost glad, because he’s finally given me the push to realise that I can go for things that make me happy and not feel guilty about it. I’m not betraying him, because there wasn’t even anything to betray. My shrub died a long time ago, and now I can go for the honeysuckle. If it’s still alive, and still willing to grow again, I mean.”

Dan was still staring at Phil, now in something close to shock, because maybe now Dan actually  _ understood _ . Finally, everything that had been going on these last few months was starting to become clear. It was still messy and dirty and covered in cobwebs, but the truth was there, the true feelings that mattered, and Phil was still right here with him. With  _ Dan.  _

The beginnings of hope began to stir again in Dan’s stomach, and he found himself smiling at Phil. Phil, of course, smiled back. Phil was always smiling back. He crossed the room, holding out a mug.

“I’m still pretty mad at you,” Dan said conversationally after a moment as he took his mug from Phil.

Phil huffed, opting to sit on the bed opposite Dan. “After I said something all sweet and smooth like that?”

Dan snorted. “I don’t think smooth is quite your forte, Phil.”

“Maybe not, but you’re still here.”

“…I am,” Dan admitted. He couldn’t really argue with that, after all, however insane it made him look.

“Honestly, though, I don’t blame you for being angry.” Phil was glancing down again – Dan hated when he did that, he was hard enough to read even when he was looking straight at him. “I said some really awful things.”

“So did I, to be fair,” Dan admitted.

“Honestly, Dan, I cannot believe you were ever a defence lawyer.”

“Well, I don’t have much to defend myself on, do I?” Dan demanded. “I told you it was no wonder Alex was cheating.”

“I deserved it, though!” Phil insisted. “After I thought you actually made it up! I called you a liar right to your face.”

Dan winced, not answering straight away. He wasn’t a liar. At least Phil knew that now – even if it meant he had to find out in a much less pleasant way.

“And I kicked you out, too.” Phil shook his head, his eyes dimming again. “After I fought for ages to make you stay, I was the one to actually push you out of the door. Frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if you never wanted to see me again.”

Dan’s lips twitched a bit, his heart picking up its beat. He spoke around the lip of his mug, peeking at Phil with warm eyes, because finally,  _ finally _ , he felt a little bit more secure. “To be honest, I can’t imagine ever not wanting to see you again.”

Phil choked on his coffee. Which, well hadn’t exactly been what Dan was going for, but he’d take it, along with Phil’s happy grin as he mopped up the coffee on his lap with a tissue from the B&B supply desk. “Good. I’d quite like to keep you around.”

Dan’s smile grew.

\---

Later that night, after they’d dropped the deep conversation for some lighter TV watching and then both crawled into their respective beds, Phil apparently decided it was a good idea to make loud rustling noises in the middle of the night at the foot of Dan’s bed when Dan was trying to sleep.

Dan groaned. He stirred slowly, his eyelids heavy and his brain craving more sleep. It had to still be the early hours of the morning – it was dark outside, and Dan hadn’t gone to bed until three (he had bad habits, it was a problem).

There was a bang, followed by a muffled squeak that was possibly a disguised curse.

“What,” Dan mumbled into his pillow, “Are you doing?”

There was another bang, before Phil stage whispered, “Nothing! Go back to sleep.”

Dan promptly tried to do just that, only Phil kept rustling around and making loud noises that Dan couldn’t really ignore. Eventually, he sat straight up and turned a tired glare onto the dark shape he could see moving around on the floor at the foot of his bed. “Seriously, what are you doing?”

At his annoyed tone, Phil’s head popped up over the top of the bed, glasses askew. He looked a little guilty. “Sorry. It isn’t important.”

“If it’s got you moving around at fuck-knows-what in the morning, it’d better be fucking important,” Dan muttered as he scrubbed at his eyes.

Phil looked a little more guilty. “Sorry. I’m just – going through some of my stuff. It’s fine. I’ll shut up.”

“No, go on, I’m awake now. Might as well help.”

“Oh – well – there’s not much to actually help with.” Phil glanced down, blinking quickly when Dan flipped the lamp on. “I’m just looking for my old address book.”

Dan tilted his head, saying flatly, “…Your old address book.”

“Yeah.”

“Forgive me for the dumb question, but  _ why _ ?”

Phil bit his lower lip. “It’s – maybe a little stupid.”

“You’re definitely telling me now, Lester.”

“It’s just,” Phil paused, flapping his hands as if they might give him the answer, “It occurred to me that all the people I’m in contact with think I’m living with Alex. And. I’m not, obviously, so I wanted to – update them.”

Dan sent him a flat look. “At four in the morning.”

“It’s almost Christmas card season!” Phil insisted.

“It’s literally not even October yet.” At least, Dan hoped it wasn’t, seeing as his masters course was supposed to start late September and he was 90% sure he hadn’t missed any classes yet.

Phil shook his head stubbornly. “It’s important. A lot of people get ahead these days, Dan, I’m just – making them aware of the situation before they start writing the wrong thing.”

Dan softened a bit. “Are you so sure you won’t be with Alex come December, then?”

“Yes.” Phil said the word quickly, followed by a firm nod. “Of course. Why? Do you not want that?”

“No, no,” Dan hastened to clarify. “I just meant – isn’t this a little sudden? You’ve not even been broken up a full fortnight yet.”

Phil wilted in place, deflating. He looked down, mumbling, “Yeah, it’s probably a stupid idea.”

“Well, no, I didn’t say that.” Dan gave a wide yawn, scrubbing at his eyes, and then scrambled down off the bed until he ended up perched on the floor next to Phil.

Phil looked at him with guilt sitting in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Dan gave a half-shrug through another yawn and reached for Phil’s bag. “So, address book. What’s it look like?”

“It’s red with black spots.” Phil’s lips were twitching upward despite himself. “You don’t have to, though. I know it’s dumb.”

Dan gnawed on his lip. “Maybe it isn’t.”

“You more or less just said it was.”

“Do you think I have any idea what to do in this situation?” Dan snorted.

Phil looked back at him with something twinkling in his eyes. “I don’t know. You did go through this recently.”

Dan snorted louder. “It’s been eight months since my break-up, do I  _ look _ like I have my life together in any capacity whatsoever?”

“You wrote that article!” Phil argued.

Dan stopped searching through Phil’s bag and turned an incredulous look on him. “How the fuck do you know about my article?”

Phil blinked. He looked down again quickly, avoiding Dan’s eyes as he mumbled, “Oh, I saw it.”

“You  _ saw _ it?!”

“Yeah?”

“When?” Dan asked, his voice pitched up several octaves.

Phil shifted around a bit, fiddling with the sheets of paper in his hand. “Um. A few days ago. It was for  _ Total Film _ , right? I subscribe to them.”

Dan blinked, hard. “...How did I not know that?”

“Because you’re ridiculously unobservant?” Phil offered with a small shake of his head. “I’ve been getting it every month the whole time you were staying with me.”

Dan whacked him on the arm. His eyes crinkled, though, as he thought, and he turned to Phil with a slight crease in his brow. Phil had read his article? That sent a tiny flutter hovering in Dan’s chest, a slight tint of  _ hope _ . He licked his lips, summoning up his courage as he asked, “So, um. What did you think?”

“Of your article?”

Dan nodded.

Phil looked at him, straight in the eyes, and his expression could only be described as fond. “It was brilliant, Dan. You’re brilliant.”

A bright, pleased thrill ran through Dan, and he looked down, smiling.

Phil shuffled a bit closer, until he was sitting on the floor right next to Dan, their shoulders lightly touching. “You write just how you talk.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good thing,” Dan answered honestly.

“I think it’s a very good thing.” Phil’s voice dropped a little lower, until it was barely more than a hum. “You talk like you love everything you see, and you pick apart all the bits you don’t like until you’re left with something beautiful.”

Dan’s breath caught. He didn’t think he’d ever been given a compliment like that before.

“It made me miss you,” Phil confessed quietly. “More than I already was, I mean. I read it and suddenly everything came crashing down, just how wrong my life felt without you in it.”

“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered. “I never meant to do that.”

Phil gave his head a fierce shake. “No, don’t apologise. I  _ needed  _ it. Then Alex came in and saw what I was reading, and he just kind of … broke. And he told me about Jonathan.”

Dan winced. Before he really realised what he was doing, he had his arm wrapped around Phil’s shoulders and was drawing him close, despite his brain firing warnings off at him. It was far too late to be having this kind of conversation. They were both sleep-deprived; but Dan just couldn’t resist pressing Phil close to him.

For his part, Phil leaned into him, ducking his head into the small gap between Dan’s shoulder and neck. They stayed like that, sitting in each other’s arms, and Dan listened to the slow rise-and-fall of Phil’s breathing, fancied that he could hear his heart beating steadily away in his chest.

“I didn’t think of going to anyone but you,” Phil said into the silence a few minutes later, his voice muffled against Dan’s skin.

Dan took in a slightly shuddery breath. “Why me?” he dared to ask, speaking soft so as not to crack this fragile moment.

Phil didn’t speak for a moment. He pressed himself closer to Dan, until Dan could feel his pulse. Dan automatically tightened his grip around Phil’s shoulders, closing his eyes and holding his breath. He’d never dared to believe he’d be allowed this close to Phil. Even now, everything felt like it could break at any moment.

“Do you really have to ask, Dan?” Phil whispered. “Would I really have run to anyone but you?”

Dan swallowed. “But you - but you knew how I--” his tongue stuck on the phrase  _ but you knew how I felt, how I feel. You know I want you.  _ Could Phil honestly be ok with that?

Dan didn’t dare to allow himself to think that Phil might want him in return. It was still too precious a thought, something that could break too easily.

As it was, Phil didn’t leave him hanging for long. He let out a low chuckle, and then moved back until Dan had to reluctantly relinquish his hold on Phil. Dan looked away, preparing himself for another rejection, but Phil reached out and grabbed his hands before he could move anywhere.

“Dan,” Phil murmured, “Look at me.”

It was hard. Dan was scared of what he’d see. Powerless to Phil, Dan lifted his eyes until he met Phil’s gaze, which was fixed straight on Dan’s face.

“I’ve treated you so badly,” Phil confessed quietly. “Leading you on this whole time.”

Dan trembled, feeling his chest tighten up. He couldn’t do this again. He wasn’t going to sit through another rejection.

Phil’s fingers tightened around Dan’s, until he was anchoring him in place, and then Phil said, “All because I couldn’t do what I wanted, which was just to reach out and grab you right then.”

Dan froze.

“I don’t know exactly when it happened,” Phil explained, his eyes soft on Dan’s face, “But it did. Before I knew it, I was getting up every morning because I wanted to talk to you, and doing everything I could to make you spend more time with me. And I thought - I  _ hoped  _ \- maybe you were interested too, but then I felt terrible, because I couldn’t  _ do  _ that. Not to Alex.”

Dan was staring at him incredulously. “Are you seriously telling me that you felt the same  _ this whole time? _ ”

Phil flinched, but he didn’t let go of Dan’s hands. “Um. Yes. I think I am.”

“But you told me no!” Dan still couldn’t believe it. “On the day I left. You let me think it was completely one-sided!”

“I didn’t mean to!” Phil’s tone took on an element of desperation. “I was just - I’m not a cheater, Dan, I’m  _ not. _ ”

Dan froze again, because that was it. Phil wasn’t a cheater. Phil hadn’t ever wanted to cheat, so he’d just been...stuck. Stuck with Alex.  _ He could have chosen Dan. _

“I wanted to make you stay,” Phil pressed on. “It was really selfish, I know, but I just - I couldn’t bear to let you go, I  _ couldn’t _ . I don’t know what I would have done, over time, but you - when you accused Alex, I just couldn’t believe it. I blamed you because it was easier than accepting you were right. I’m so  _ sorry _ , Dan, you have no idea.”

“It’s ok,” Dan said faintly, and it was true, almost. At least now he could understand where Phil was coming from, even more than the last time they’d come close to this conversation. That had given him hope, but this - this was Phil telling him what had actually been going on.

_ He’d wanted Dan, too. _ This whole time, Phil had wanted Dan, too.

“It isn’t ok,” Phil disagreed almost angrily. “It’s unforgivable. But I’m - well. I’m still here. Asking for forgiveness.”

“You already have it.”

“No, Dan.” Phil stopped him before he could say more, linking his fingers firmly with Dan’s and looking him straight in the eyes again. “I mean. Can you forgive me? Will you give me a chance?”

Dan let out a long, slow breath. He couldn’t  _ believe  _ it. All this time he’d spent fretting, worrying, positive that his love was unrequited, and Phil had been feeling the same  _ this whole time _ ? Dan would have laughed aloud if anyone else told him this, but Phil was staring at him with utter honesty written in his expression.

In fact, he was staring at Dan like Dan meant the world.

Dan took a moment to let his racing thoughts calm down, and then he was nodding and leaning in. He didn’t answer verbally. Instead, he slid his fingers free of Phil’s and reached up to cup his cheeks, carefully, eyes trained on Phil’s at all times.

Phil’s eyes slipped closed, and he leaned in, and that gave Dan the courage to close the distance and finally press his lips to Phil’s.

The kiss was slow, and careful, and everything Dan had been aching for. The last time they’d kissed had been for show, but this was different. This was just about them. Dan let himself fall into Phil, let himself melt into his touch, and he firmly pushed the last of his worries out of his mind.

Phil was here, and Phil was  _ kissing him back. _ He didn’t have to fight this any more.

When they drew back, minutes later, they both stayed close as if reluctant to move too far apart. Dan could feel himself trembling, still terrified that Phil was going to leave again, but instead Phil reached out to grasp both his hands and tug until Dan fell into his chest. His arms were around Dan’s shoulders in an instant, and Dan found himself fitting snug against Phil’s chest with Phil holding him firmly in place.

“Please tell me that was a yes,” Phil murmured into his hair.

Dan let out a snort, and once the barrier was broken he was suddenly shaking with uncontrollable laughter. He leaned in close to Phil and let himself be held, no longer having to fear that this was  _ wrong  _ or  _ immoral. _

He had Phil, finally. And maybe they were going to be ok.

“I promise you, Phil,” Dan said as he calmed a little, “That was most  _ definitely  _ a yes.”

\---

They pushed their beds together that night. Dan was reluctant, but Phil had argued that with his vast knowledge of running a B&B there was never a problem with guests rearranging the furniture, as long as they put it back in the morning. Dan was, frankly, too tired and too enamoured with the idea of lying in Phil’s arms to push the argument for long.

Waking up in the morning to Phil lying on his chest was one of the better experiences of Dan’s life. His lips twitched as he glanced down. Phil’s hair was a messy tangle, and his face was pressed comfortably into Dan’s side with an arm curving around his middle to hold him in place. Dan wasn’t exactly complaining. Phil was warm, and he was  _ here _ .

Dan closed his eyes and nestled back into the pillows. He was determined to make the most of his time in Phil’s arms, still scarcely able to believe that it was really happening, that it might become a fixture of his future. The idea that they could have this was just plain insane. For so long, Dan had forbidden himself from imagining something like this, so to have Phil in his arms after all this time - it was the best kind of bliss.

After a few more minutes of peaceful silence, Phil started to stir. He blinked bleary eyes open and seemed to take in his situation, and then glanced up to meet Dan’s eyes. Instantly, a smile lit up his face. “Hello.”

“Hello yourself.” Dan smiled involuntarily back.

Phil grinned. He rolled just a little, until Dan made a displeased sound and grabbed for him, and then Phil settled back down so he was level with Dan’s face. He watched him carefully, measuring, and then leaned in to press a small kiss to Dan’s lips.

Dan smiled again, ruining it, and Phil huffed. “Are you going to do that every time?”

“I can’t help being happy.” Dan wrapped his arms around Phil and drew him in again, kissing him properly this time. Phil seemed happier about that.

After a while, Phil drew back again, and he simply studied Dan. Dan studied him right back, his eyes narrowing a bit. Phil seemed to be - looking for something? Or maybe just reassuring himself that Dan was here. That was what Dan was doing, anyway - checking that Phil was really here, that he wasn’t going to disappear from Dan’s arms.

How long would it take before Dan stopped checking that Phil wasn’t going to walk away from him again?

“So,” Phil said quietly, breaking the careful silence between them. “The future.”

Dan arched a brow. “That’s quite a giant topic.”

“Yeah.” Phil’s lips twitched, and then he yawned widely before placing his head back on Dan’s chest. Dan liked him there. He liked the warm weight against him, the reminder that he wasn’t alone.

Phil continued, slowly, “I’ve been...thinking.”

“Always dangerous.”

“Shut it, Howell.” Phil propped his chin up so he could watch Dan closely, considering him. “Do you still want to look for a flat?”

Dan blinked. He...hadn’t been expecting that question. Honestly, flat hunting was kind of the last thing on his mind. Dan was wrapped up in Phil, as ever, always taking his problems ahead of Dan’s own. As such, Dan was most worried about making sure Phil was ok, and that he didn’t lose everything to a cheating scumbag like Alex.

Phil, it seemed, wasn’t quite on the same page, if the way he was staring intently at Dan was anything to go by.

“Is it really important?” Dan asked eventually.

Phil frowned at him. “Of course it is.”

“I just … thought you’d want to talk about something else,” Dan answered carefully.

Phil’s frown deepened. “What else matters? I was - well. I was going to say, if you’re looking … I could look, too. Nearby.”

Dan’s heart swooped.

“I mean, it’s a bit soon to just ask you to move in with me,” Phil added thoughtfully, “Or I would. But that would probably be crazy.”

“Just a bit, yeah,” Dan answered, breathless. His heart had picked up until it was racing so fast he was sure Phil must be able to hear it. Dan had just never even  _ considered  _ that Phil would want this, and now, to have it all right in front of him…

But it was so soon. Dan’s brow furrowed a bit, and he glanced down at Phil, saying words he was sure he’d come to regret. “But … are you  _ sure  _ that’s what you want?”

Phil’s brow creased. “Isn’t it what  _ you _ want?”

“I want what’s going to make you happy,” Dan promised quietly.

Phil melted against him a little. He pressed his face into Dan’s collarbone and let out a gusty sigh, enough to set goosebumps rising on Dan’s skin.

Dan wrapped careful arms around him, tangling one hand in Phil’s hair. “Be honest with me, Phil. What would make you happiest right now?”

Phil let out another small sigh, but he didn’t move back from Dan. Dan took that to be a good sign. Instead, Phil lifted his head enough to speak, dislodging Dan’s hand from his hair. “Honestly, Dan, I was happiest when you were a guest. I had the B&B, and you were around every day to laugh with me and make stupid, snarky comments.”

Dan’s lips twitched. “They weren't stupid!”

Phil chuckled.

Dan sighed, though, because that reaffirmed something he thought he’d already known, but hearing it straight from Phil was an entirely different matter. Dan shuffled down the bed until he was level with Phil, and then he murmured, “You want the B&B, don’t you?”

Phil’s face screwed up. He looked away.

Dan nodded, pressing his lips together firmly. This was why he’d tried to warn Phil early, so that they could figure something out, so they could make sure that Phil had a plan in place to counteract whatever scheme Alex and Jonathan had come up with. There had to be a better way out of it, for both of them. Dan knew without a doubt that Phil deserved that.

“My whole life was in that place,” Phil mumbled, which only added to Dan’s conviction.

With that, Dan sat straight upright, dislodging Phil entirely from his chest. Phil gave a yelp, spinning on Dan with wide, disgruntled eyes. “What was that for?”

Dan didn’t answer. Instead, he had his phone in his hand and was pulling up his contacts.

Phil’s face scrunched up in confusion. “Who’re you calling?”

“If you want the B&B, we’re going to get it back,” Dan assured, his voice thick with conviction.

Phil stared at him. “How are we going to manage that?”

Dan grinned at him, his fingers hovering over Maria’s number. “I’m going to get you a lawyer.”

\---

Maria surveyed them both over the tips of her fingers. Dan knew that look - that was her serious face, when she was unhappy with what she was presented with and was determining whether or not she should take the case. Dan had seen that face countless times before, and always felt sorry for the potential clients who were subjected to it.

Now, those unfortunate clients happened to be Dan and Phil. They were sat close together on the other side of Maria’s desk, back in the office that Dan had thought he’d never return to. They’d got a couple of dirty looks from the receptionist who went to let them in, but Dan didn’t care. Maria had promised them an appointment; all he had to do was make sure she took their case.

Phil was fidgeting by his side. He’d explained to Dan in a hurried whisper that he didn’t do offices well, so Dan simply laid a hand on his arm and assured him that he would take care of everything. Dan reiterated that now by laying his hand on Phil’s knee and giving it a squeeze.

Phil flashed him a grateful smile, then went back to chewing on his lip.

Maria pushed her glasses up her nose and sighed. “So you want me to take this, when all you’ve got is hearsay?”

“Come on, Maria, I’ve seen you do more with less than this,” Dan argued.

“Flattery will not help you, Howell.” She kept her tone flat, businesslike. Dan preferred that. He thought this would work better if they kept things on a professional level.

It also meant they were back on Maria’s turf, but Dan had learned a long time ago how to play the game.

“Look,” Dan stated, leaning forward to fix Maria with a stern stare, “We know Phil and Alex both have shared ownership of the building. It was bought in both of their names. That means they have equal rights.”

Maria lifted her hands in the air. “If it’s equal rights, then the assets will be split between them. The building will be sold, Dan, you  _ know  _ that.”

Phil flinched by his side. Dan squeezed his knee again, keeping his tone level. “Not if we try and get an out-of-court agreement done.”

“You want me to settle with them?” Maria lifted a brow. 

“Yes.”

“On what grounds?”

“Unfaithfulness and dishonesty, if nothing else,” Dan pointed out, and felt Phil flinch again. Dan hid a wince. He hadn’t wanted Phil here to hear such blunt statements, but Phil had squared his shoulders and stubbornly set his jaw, refusing to let Dan come in here alone and fight his battles for him. Dan had, reluctantly, agreed. Phil could be very … persuasive.

Maria, however, didn’t look like she was about to bend. “If they were married and applying for divorce, that would work. Maybe. But they’re not.”

“It’s as good as,” Phil mumbled, speaking up for the first time.

Maria pinned him with a look.

“I mean,” Phil defended, “It was  _ joint _ ownership. I have just as much right to it as he does. There must be some way to split it fairly.”

Maria pursed her lips, and now Dan recognised her thinking face. Her dark curls were pulled up into their usual bun, but a couple of strands were escaping. Dan used to love staring at them, imagining twirling them between his fingers. Now, he felt … nothing. All his attention was speared towards the man at his side.

“I suppose,” Maria murmured, “We could spin it that way. In a case of divorce, the spouse that kept the house would usually give up other assets to the other - cars, belongings, things of the sort that made up equal value.”

Dan turned to Phil quickly. “Have you got anything like that?”

Phil looked a little helpless. “Neither of us drive. We don’t have much.”

“What about inheritance? Joint savings?” Maria pressed. “Anything you might both have had access to, that you’d be willing to give up?”

Phil bit his lip. Dan could see him wracking his brains, and the slow dawning of a memory. “There … there was a bit of money Alex put aside. Said it was for our holiday home, one day. I never saw it, but he said it was for both of us.”

“Was it in both of your names?”

“I think so?”

Maria hummed, displeased. “It isn’t much.”

“Come on, Maria.” Dan kept his eyes trained on her, linking hands with Phil under the table. “You’re not the best defence lawyer around without reason.”

“Dan…”

“I have  _ seen _ you take cases on much less than this,” he argued. “You  _ know  _ you can do it.”

Maria narrowed her eyes. “Only if I knew there was something good behind it.”

“There’s something good behind this,” Dan promised lowly. “More than you know.”

Maria folded her arms.

Dan sighed. “If nothing else, do it for our history. This is the last time I’ll ever bother you.”

“You said that last time you were in here.”

“This time, I mean it.” Dan leaned forward, lifting his and Phil’s linked hands without removing his eyes from Maria’s. “I know I wasn’t a good worker, I  _ know _ I messed up, but don’t screw up someone else’s life because of that.”

Maria was wavering; he could see it.

“You can see the ethics in this case,” Dan continued. “Come on, I know you have better morals than this.”

Maria deliberated for another moment that felt like years, and then, slowly, she nodded. “But  _ only _ because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Maria, you are the  _ best _ .”

“I can’t promise to keep it out of court,” she warned, this time focusing her attention on Phil. “It might get ugly.”

Phil swallowed, but straightened his back. “I know.”

“You might regret this when we have to drag all your dirty laundry in front of a judge.”

“I know.” Phil drew in a breath, glanced quickly at Dan. “But I think this is the only way.”

Maria surveyed them both closely. After another painful moment, she held out her hand for them both to shake. “Alright. Let’s do this.”

\---

The case did end up going through court. Maria did her best to arrange a settlement, but Jonathan had apparently found another lawyer to take her on, so there was no alternative. It got ugly, but it could have been worse.

The case took six weeks in total, in which Dan had written five more articles and started his course, all while staying in a tiny B&B room with Phil. Phil’s friend had waived their charges when he learned about their situation, and quickly offered Phil whatever help he might need, saying that he’d ‘never trusted that Alex anyway’. Phil had given him a watery smile and a grateful thank-you.

And Phil … Phil was doing better. He’d got some life back in him, and started searching online about plans he’d wanted to add to his B&B that Alex had never approved of. Even if they didn’t win the case, he told Dan, they would find somewhere else to start up. Somewhere Phil could start fresh, could put in place all his plans. Dan, of course, was with him all the way, and wanted to help out as often as he could.

The day the decision was going to be made on the case, Dan and Phil were waiting for the phone call from Maria. After the first few days, Phil hadn’t wanted to go into court in person anymore. Their evidence wasn’t needed other than in paper form, and Phil didn’t like the pressure, or the formality, saying it wasn’t his territory.

Dan agreed with him. He didn’t like the courtroom any more than Phil did, not with the bad memories it held for him.

They spent the day inside their room, only going out when they were low on food. Dan was sprawled across the bed (they’d upgraded to a double after the first week, when it became apparent that sleeping in the same bed was going to become a fixture), his papers surrounding him, a notepad in front of him and a pen stuck in his mouth. He’d been offered a permanent column in one of the magazines he wrote for, so he was attempting to come up with a plan.

Unfortunately, it was more interesting to watch Phil.

Phil, who was set up by the desk with his laptop open, scouring websites about animal rehoming. The first thing he was determined to do was set up a shelter in the garden, a space that had been largely unused until now. Dan had made the mistake of asking him which animals, and sparked a whole list about the dogs and cats and chickens and even lizards that Phil was planning to get, eventually.

“I mean, maybe we should start small,” Dan chuckled. “A dog. And aren’t you allergic to cats?”

Phil didn’t answer straight away.

“Phil?” Dan looked up from his notepad to find Phil staring at him. He tilted his head, smiling. “What?”

Phil just continued to smile. “We?”

Dan blinked.

“You said  _ maybe we should start small _ .” Phil looked delighted. “Did you mean that?  _ We _ ?”

Dan glanced away suddenly, feeling a little abashed. He rustled his papers, trying to look efficient, and mumbled gruffly, “Well, sure. You didn’t think I’d leave you in charge of other life forms  _ alone _ , did you?”

“My houseplants survive well enough, thank you.” Phil failed in sounding angry because he was smiling so widely.

Dan made a face at him. “Dork.”

“Spoon.”

“Spork,” Dan returned, and then grinned. “Does this mean, if we win today, I’ll get to finally see the rest of the B&B?”

“I’m pretty sure you’ve been in every part by now,” Phil snorted.

“Well, probably, but I always wondered if your living bit was filled with as many plants as the rest of the place.”

Phil blinked. He quickly glanced over at Dan again, expression growing thoughtful. “Huh. Guess you never got to see where I was living, did you?”

Dan shook his head. He’d never been into the private quarters - seeing the place where Phil lived with Alex probably would have injured his already bruised heart a bit too much. Now, though - now, he wanted to help Phil clear out all the memories from it, and replace them with new, better ones. If Phil was willing.

Phil held his gaze contemplatively for a few moments before another smile flitted across his face. “I think you’d fit in pretty well there, actually.”

Dan beamed back at him.

The phone rang, then, sending them both scrambling. Phil got to it first, standing over the desk with Dan leaning right over his shoulder, literally bouncing with nervous energy.

“Hello?” Phil asked, and reached out to grasp Dan’s hand.

Dan squeezed it back reassuringly, although his stomach was doing somersaults inside him. He kept his eyes trained on Phil’s face. They’d both put so much energy into this, but Dan was the one who had originally pushed for this solution. If it went badly, he would be taking the blame. Phil would probably be too nice about it, but Dan was praying with everything he had that Maria had worked her wonders again.

He  _ needed  _ it. If nothing else, Phil deserved it.

Phil’s expression shifted from slightly terrified, to disbelieving, to a wide grin. “Really?”

Dan nudged him, whispering loudly, “ _ Did we do it?” _

Phil nudged him back, still clutching the phone to his ear, and then he let out a loud squeal. “We did it! Dan, we won, we’ve got the B&B!”

Dan cheered. He didn’t care that Phil was still on the phone, didn’t care that he didn’t know the details, he wrapped his arms determinedly around Phil’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

Phil was laughing against him, which meant Dan wasn’t all that successful. But then Phil hung up the phone and wrapped Dan up properly, and they kissed until both their lips were dry.

“We did it,” Phil whispered against his mouth, and Dan grinned, kissed Phil again.

“You deserve it.”

Phil stared at him with shimmering eyes and a wide, laughing mouth. “ _ We  _ deserve it.”

Dan’s stomach swooped low, his heart picking up speed. It didn’t matter how many times Phil smiled at him, it always felt like being punched in the gut. But Dan no longer felt like drowning - no, instead, he felt like he was  _ flying _ .

Then Phil pulled him in for another kiss, and Dan stopped thinking for the rest of the night.

\---

Alex and Jonathan were given two weeks to move out of the B&B, which meant Dan and Phil had two weeks to organise themselves for moving back in. Or, rather, two weeks to spend lounging around their room dreaming up everything they wanted to do. For Phil, though, it was a mixed reaction. Dan caught him sometimes staring in the mirror with a downturned mouth and slightly damp eyes, or they’d be watching TV and he’d get this faraway look on his face, shaking it away and saying nothing was wrong whenever Dan questioned him about it.

Dan had his suspicions, though. After all, Phil would be moving back into the house he’d built a life with Alex, only this time, Alex wouldn’t be there. Dan would, instead. Dan didn’t expect it to be entirely smooth sailing - part of him was still convinced that Phil would walk out on him at some point, or realise that they had far too much too soon. Phil hadn’t had any time on his own at all before coming straight to Dan.

Part of Dan was quite flattered at that. By the thought that Phil had run straight to him when his life had crumbled.

But the other part of Dan was aware that Phil must still hold a lot of hurt in him, and that would likely only be reawakened when they returned to Phil’s B&B. The thought of seeing it gnawed away at Dan, but then also there was the hope he held that maybe they could build a new future now. Phil seemed to want that, with him. With each passing day, Dan was growing to believe it.

Move-in day arrived, and Phil was up before Dan, making them both coffee from the tiny machine with a determined glint to his eye. Dan watched him for a moment from under the covers, assessing his mood, before sliding out of the bed to join him.

Phil watched him approach with a small smile. “I think this is the first day you’ve got out of bed on your own without me shoving coffee in your face.”

“Close enough,” Dan shrugged, stealing a mug from Phil and taking a long, comforting sip. It wasn’t quite as good as the hot chocolate Phil had given Dan every morning at his B&B, but it would do for now. “Besides, today is kind of important.”

“Kind of.” Phil was grinning again, and he wrapped his arms around Dan’s waist and drew him in for a hug.

Dan smiled against Phil’s shoulder.  He let the hug last for a moment before drawing back, his expression growing a little more serious. “Question time, though.”

“Oh dear.”

“Shush. I was just wondering.” Dan glanced down to his mug, swirled the coffee around inside it. “How are you  _ really _ feeling about going back there?”

Phil pursed his lips, seeming to take the time to think about his answer. Dan was grateful for that. He wanted to know what Phil was  _ really _ thinking, not some dressed-up version that he hoped would make Dan happy. It was about time they both learned to be honest with each other, and so far, Dan thought they’d been doing ok.

Eventually, Phil sighed and answered, “Honestly? It’s a mix.”

Dan bit his lip and nodded.

“Part of me never wants to go back,” Phil admitted quietly. “I just - it’s hard to imagine it without  _ him _ , you know? But then--” Phil glanced up and met Dan’s eyes with a quiet smile. “Then, when I remember how it was, half the time it’s you I picture sitting across from me at the breakfast table.”

Dan raised his brows at that, more than a little surprised.

“Don’t look like that,” Phil snorted, a soft hand coming up to fix Dan’s fringe. “You were a permanent fixture for months. And most of my good memories have you in them.”

Dan blinked. “Really?”

“Yeah. Honestly. Like, Alex took care of the financial side, and I was always cleaning the rooms and running the day-to-day business on my own, that was our agreement. It could be lonely, sometimes.” Phil’s eyes distanced, but then he came back to Dan and he was smiling again. “So when you offered to help out, it was a bit of a shock.”

“I had to pay you back  _ somehow _ ,” Dan muttered.

Phil shoved his shoulder lightly and continued, “But that’s my point. You made it  _ fun _ again. And you made me feel like I was worth something. It was good.”

Dan looked up at that, more touched than he thought he would be. He lifted a hand to touch Phil’s cheek. “You  _ are _ worth something.”

Phil leaned into his touch with nothing but warmth in his kind eyes. “That’s why going back won’t be hard at all.”

Dan’s smile stretched wider, and he could feel himself relaxing. He  _ believed  _ Phil. This would be hard, but Phil was truly happy with him. He could see it in his eyes. Dan could be enough for him, and they could face this together.

They took the tube together through London, pressed together on a sticky tube in strange heat for September, and then walked through the streets together hand-in-hand. That felt nice. Dan had never been one for outward signs of emotion before, but Phil had grabbed his hand to tug him out of the tube station and then hadn’t let go, and Dan wasn’t going to complain. Instead, he leaned into Phil’s side, and savoured the feeling of not being alone.

The B&B appeared soon enough, tucked away in its little corner. The place was empty. Maria had informed them that guest bookings had been temporarily stopped for the duration of the case, and they’d be able to open for business again whenever they were ready. Dan’s chest tugged at the thought.  _ He’d be helping Phil. _

Phil stopped just outside it, staring at the building with something unreadable in his eyes. Dan copied his motions, not too surprised when Phil spoke up before stepping forwards. “The last time I saw this place, I didn’t really think I’d ever be going back.”

Dan squeezed his hand, rested his head on Phil’s shoulder. He gave a quiet chuckle. “Same.”

Phil’s expression twisted a bit. “I’m sorry.”

It took Dan a moment to catch onto that, and he corrected Phil quickly when he realised Phil thought he was talking about when Phil had kicked him out. “Oh, no, that’s not the last time i was here, actually.”

Phil stared at him out of the corner of his eye. “What?”

Dan grimaced. “Erm. I may have hovered on your doorstep for half an hour? But I never quite worked up the courage to come inside.”

Phil’s eyes widened. “I  _ thought _ I saw you! I thought I’d imagined it.”

“Nope. Sorry.” Dan half laughed, stepping back to scrub at the back of his head. “I just wanted to see how you were doing. And maybe get my laptop back.”

Phil’s expression softened, and he reached for Dan’s hand again. “You could have come in.”

“I didn’t think you’d want to see me,” Dan shrugged. “Plus, I’m not sure I’d have made it out without punching Alex in the nose, so.”

A laugh escaped Phil before he could stop it, and he pressed a hand to his mouth, eyes dancing at Dan. He tugged on Dan’s hand and led him over to the door. “Come on, then. Let’s finally get you your laptop back.”

The entrance was just the same as ever; Phil gave a little stroke to the giant plant that occupied the doorstep. Dan merely sent it a mistrustful glare before following Phil inside.

Everything looked the same. The welcome desk was there, with the computer shut down and the guestbook closed. The keys were sitting on the table. There was no note.

Phil barely spared it a glance before tugging Dan through to the dining table, and then checked on the living room and the kitchen to make sure everything was still in its proper place. The rooms looked untouched, if a little too quiet. Dan had never seen it when it wasn’t bustling with guests, and the atmosphere was almost...eerie.

The kitchen smelled strongly of bleach, and Dan rolled his eyes a bit, guessing they must have gone a bit overboard with the cleaning. Phil simply laughed at Dan’s disgruntled expression, saying, “At least they didn’t leave it in a state. I was half-expecting to find everything destroyed.”

“That wouldn’t have been worth the expense of me sueing them for it,” Dan muttered, to which Phil laughed again and pulled him in for a kiss.

They checked the guest bedrooms next. Phil went to check on the two doubles, while Dan went straight to his old room to finally collect his belongings. The little ‘3’ was still wonky on the frame, and he gave it an affectionate little pat on his way inside.

The bed was still unmade, and his things were exactly where they had been. His laptop was still open on the desk, his notebook propped up next to it. His bag was spilling out all over the floor, and a messy selection of clothes still swamped the carpet. It didn’t look like anyone had been in here once since Dan walked out.

Dan headed over to the desk and gave his laptop a soft stroke (he hadn’t seen it in ages, ok, he was allowed to say hello again). He was just testing out the keys when Phil reappeared, watching him from the doorway. “You can move your stuff whenever, by the way.”

Dan turned to send him a questioning look.

“I mean, whenever you want to.” Phil was looking straight at him, his arms folded across his chest like he was bursting with something.

Dan arched a brow. “Move my stuff where?”

“Up to the private space.” Phil didn’t blink, but his lips twitched. “With me.”

Dan blinked.

“Only if you want to,” Phil added, and  _ how was his tone so casual _ ?! “But I figured, seeing as you’re not a paying guest, you should come join me. And maybe you want to be my assistant? I can’t run this place on my own, you know.”

Dan scrambled for something to say that wouldn’t just come out like garbled squeals, and managed to gasp, “ _ Assistant?  _ Excuse you, I think I should at  _ least  _ be manager.”

“Oh, I’m not so sure about that.” Phil’s eyes were twinkling. “I’ve seen your half-arsed attempts at cleaning the bathrooms, Howell.”

Dan spluttered. “Better than your crap attempts at folding sheets, I swear you don’t even  _ know _ what a right-angle is.”

Phil was grinning by this time, and he opened his arms. “Maybe we’ll work you up to manager over time. Perhaps even co-owner, if you stick around long enough.”

Dan’s answer was a glare, followed by walking into Phil’s arms and shutting him up with a kiss. The promise of a future here, a future with  _ Phil _ \- it had happened, it was right in front of him. All Dan had to do now was live it.

\---

The private rooms to Phil’s (and Dan’s) B&B were up another floor from the guest bedrooms, tucked away in an attic that Dan hadn’t even known existed. They were only reachable by a stairway hidden away at the back through a locked door, which meant even the most curious of guests couldn’t follow them up the stairs once they’d locked up for the night.

And they had some curious guests. Once they’d opened up again, Phil had insisted on allowing any type of guests to stay - families with children, people with dogs, everyone was welcome. As such, they’d had a rush of people flooding through their doors once word got out, and there wasn’t a week where they didn’t have at least one room booked out.

As a result, Dan was playing around with the idea of extending, maybe adding another room at the back. Phil humoured him, mostly, as long as they kept enough garden space.

Phil’s other dream had also come to life, and they’d now become the proud owners of a collie dog who’d needed rehoming, along with a host of chickens, two guinea pigs, and a chinchilla. They kept them out in the garden, aside from the dog who came and went as he liked, so they wouldn’t disturb the guests too much. Phil was happy as anything, and Dan, though he wouldn’t admit it, quite liked slipping out to play with them in the garden in his quiet moments, too.

Dan stretched out in their comfortable double bed, glancing up at the beams in the ceiling with a soft smile on his face. The green ivy that grew outside the window was just visible, as were the three little cacti lined up on the windowsill that Phil had insisted they kept. Up here, it was near-impossible to hear the sounds of the other guests starting to get up, or Phil in the kitchen making breakfast, as he would be. That almost felt like another world.

Dan rolled onto his side, eyeing the impression Phil’s head had left in the other pillow, and the warmth he’d kept under the blanket. Dan closed his eyes and breathed in his scent, just for a moment, and allowed himself to smile. Phil was, miraculously, still his. In fact, they’d both become happier than they’d ever been before.

Dan’s few extra minutes of napping were soon disturbed by the buzzing of his phone. He groaned, grabbing blindly for it and grimacing at the screen. It flashed up with a text from Phil, blaring:  _ don’t be too much longer, I’m nearly out of hot chocolate! _

Dan grumbled. He was ninety percent sure that couldn’t be true, seeing as Dan made absolutely certain they always had a supply in, but he couldn’t risk it. Phil  _ knew  _ Dan didn’t function well without it in the morning, and he wasn’t above holding it ransom to get him out of bed.

If that was the case, Dan would get him back later.

Once he was washed and dressed, Dan padded his way downstairs and waved briefly at the guests at the table, who smiled and greeted him in return. He was about to check if they needed anything (even sleepy, he knew his job as host), but then Phil reappeared with a steaming mug, handing it to Dan accompanied with a kiss on the cheek.

Dan narrowed his eyes at him. “We’re not really out of hot chocolate, I see.”

“Not really, but I had to get you down here somehow,” Phil answered lightly, and dodged his whack with a knowing little grin. “Sit down. I made you breakfast.”

“I’m only not arguing with you because you make good food,” Dan threatened, but took his place at the table readily enough.

“Oh, would you look at that!” One of the guests - a wrinkled little lady with white hair and a kind face - waved at Dan with odd familiarity. “It’s the young gentleman who was on his own last time!”

Dan blinked.

“Ooh, I do believe it is!” Her companion, an equally wrinkled lady with a slightly sharper nose, pulled on a pair of glasses and squinted. “Gladys, do you think he ever left?”

Dan’s eyes widened. “ _ Oh _ . Gladys and Edith? I thought I recognised your names in the book.”

“You remembered us!” Gladys seemed disproportionately pleased, not that Dan would be complaining.

Dan smiled back, turning on the charm. He did well to leave a good impression with his guests, after all. “Of course, how could I forget?”

“Ooh, aren’t you a nice one.” Gladys turned to Edith with a knowing little grin. “We’re here on our annual holiday. Been coming since the place opened, haven’t we, Edith?”

Edith gave a vigorous nod over her teacup. “Only last year, you were here alone, and that other fellow was around running the place with Philip. Have you replaced him?”

Dan spluttered. He floundered over what to say, still not really having any idea what to tell them, when he was rescued by Phil appearing once again with a plate ladled high with food.

“He has,” Phil assured them with a little wink at Dan. “Does a much better job of it, too.”

Dan grinned.

“Ooh, Philip, I’m glad you’ve made a good’un out of him.” Edith nodded appreciatively, with Gladys humming in agreement. “It’s nice to see two young sensible lads together.”

“It is,” Phil agreed, taking his usual seat opposite Dan. His eyes were glimmering, and Dan had to look away, feeling a ridiculous amount of happiness. Phil’s feet were nudging his under the table, and his hand was resting within easy distance of Dan’s, palm-up, inviting.

Dan reached out to take it.

Phil’s fingers squeezed around Dan’s and he smiled. “Have you seen today’s paper?”

“Not yet,” Dan shook his head, “I only just got up, remember? And only because  _ someone _ threatened to take my drink away.”

“You always need persuasion to get out of bed,” Phil shrugged, not even a little bit apologetic.

Dan glared at him. “It’d be nicer if you stayed in with me.”

“Then neither of us would get anything done, and you know it.”

“I’m sure we’d find other ways to be productive.”

“ _ Dan _ .” Phil sounded exasperated, but his foot was rubbing against Dan’s ankle under the table and he was biting back a laugh. Dan could hear it. “I only mention it because your article was published.”

Dan perked up at this news. “Yeah?”

“Yep. And you’ve got a few replies coming in online already, too.”

Dan grinned. “My adoring fans.”

“You’ll have one less adoring fan if you carry on like that,” Phil sniffed, sticking his nose up in the air.

“Aw, come on.” Dan nudged at Phil as he swallowed some bacon “They love my weekly column.  _ Film-watching with my boyfriend  _ won’t work nearly so well if the boyfriend is gone.”

“Well, you’ll just have to keep him sweet, won’t you?”

“Excuse you, I do  _ all _ the washing up around here, don’t I?” Dan huffed. “ _ And  _ it’s your turn to pick the film this week. And I tidied up your website for you, so quite frankly, I think you owe me.”

Phil grinned at him. “As if I don’t spoil you enough already.”

“Well, maybe,” Dan amended. “There’s always room to improve, though.”

Phil kicked at him, and then stood up to rush to attend to a spillage over in the cereal department. They had a family with young children staying that week, and the little girl had managed to spill milk on the carpet and was looking rather upset.

Dan watched as he speared another piece of bacon, watched as Phil crouched down to the girl’s level and comforted her, showing her how to mop up the spillage. It had something funny tugging at his heart. Phil had always been good with children, always watching out for them when they had guests. It set Dan’s thoughts down interesting pathways when he thought about the future.

But for now, he had the B&B, and the animals, and  _ Phil _ . Dan’s masters course was going well, he had his job writing for the magazine, and business was booming here. In other words, things couldn’t really be going any better.

Phil looked up then, met Dan’s eyes across the room, and his smile was wider than a beacon. Dan could feel his own answering grin stretching his lips wide, another burst of happiness billowing across his chest.

Finally, he had everything he’d never dared to dream of having, and it was even better than he imagined.


End file.
